Right Where I Need to Be
by Raven Lynn
Summary: Events in ME2&3 taken from Kaidan's POV. Idea that popped in my head and wouldn't go away. Some liberties taken. Playing Paragon should not mean you don't get angry. Paragon/Colonist/War Hero/ Savior of the Galaxy (again) Shepard/Alenko Please R
1. Chapter 1

Shepard had always been a loner. Since she had been a young teen in the colonies and the slavers had butchered or enslaved everyone she had known she had been resistant to let anyone in. Even her CO Anderson acknowledged few personal details past her reports and he respected her cool strength many saw as aloofness. That was until a Lt. Kaidan Alenko.

"I think the Commander is …having relations with Mr. Vega." Specalist Traynor blurted out to EDI.

"The Commander does seem to be showing signs of pent up aggression." The AI said without agreeing nor denying.

The stress of the Reaper War was taking its effect on everyone and the Commander had just made a better show of hiding it. But with the fall of Thessia and having to support everyone else on the crew the seams were starting to show in their steadfast leader.

"Perhaps I should tell the Major?" She bit her lip, trying to get the other woman's opinion without having to directly ask.

"I was unaware the Major had an interest in Lt Vega."

"No EDI. The Commander and the Major. I mean she risked a court marshaling before the fight with Sovereign for him and he came with us after he shot Udina. …" In truth she had seen them at the Apollo Café the last time they had been in Citadel Space and it seemed they were working things out. But since then the Major had spent most of his time in the Port Observation and Shepard was doing her usual, walking the ship talking to all crew members but Samantha knew there was an edge to the Commader that she had not been able to break since the second Specter had joined the crew. Even her two closest friends Tali and Garrus had taken to asking her how she was handling it but the act was wearing thin.

"The Commander has been training Lt. Vega for his N7 program daily." The AI remarked as way of conceding the point. Since he had approached Shepard about his invitation into the highest security program and she had supported it the two had turned an area of the docking bay into a closed off training quarters and would spend at least an hour there each day.

It was not the training that bothered Specialist Traynor but rather how the Commander came up afterwards from said boot camps. She having never been a true soldier herself she knew both the soldiers were in top physical shape but the Commander always came up hair askew and sweating profusely. She also noted that the Commander would make a beeline for her showers and was never seen without her N7 hoodie afterwards. No one dared speak the implications a loud.


	2. Chapter 2

2

Major Kaidan Alenko, the second human Spector was staring out into space from the crew deck of the ship. They were between missions and the downtime was grinding on his nerves. Throwing down his data pad in annoyance, he had not gotten any real news updates in days. He exits the room and heads to the mess.

It was a well-known fact that biotics needed almost double the caloric intake of others of their species. Anyone who had never been to an Asari banquet would attest …and the idea ran his body cold. Thessia was gone. The images of the city burning filled his mind but he pushed them away. He had spoken to Liara right after the mission but she was too grief stricken for him to be much help, he had meant to speak to Shep also but time had slipped away and much as Kaidan didn't want to think about it there was this unspoken rift between the two that neither was quite sure how to fix yet.

_It was never the right time the last time and you lost her because of it. _His inner voice chided.

Getting to the mess he was surprised to see no one but Gardner there. The former Cerberus mess hall officer had signed on as soon as the Normandy had been recomishioned. While he had been proud of working for the terrorist cell he had been swayed after Shepard's rescue from the Collectors and had followed the majority of the crew. It was unusual for Kaidan to see a ship that had its own cook in Alliance regulations but Shepard had insisted. Now he saw why, not only was the man a good cook. Able to handle making the best of bad rations and complex needs of different species but he also served as a morale officer. In these dark days everyone came to the mess to talk to or just to listen to his advice.

Without a word Gardner grabbed two trays and doubled them up, passing them to Kaidan with a wry smile. "Major." The mess was hardly ever vacant but Kaidan had never been a fan of crowds and noise, he tended to haunt the mess in the off hours or just eat alone to avoid migraines before missions. He noticed that Gardner was watching him closely but trying to appear as if he wasn't. Training as a Specter had taught him to be observant; fourteen years in the Alliance taught him to go with your gut.

"What is it Gardner?" He asked around a mouth full of meatloaf. The man shifted uncomfortably rubbing the back of his neck, a tell of a man uncomfortable with the subject.

"Wah? Oh it's nothing major. Just scuttlebutt you know… Something EDI and that Traynor woman were talking about. But you know how rumors go."

"Comm'on Gardner if those two said it it hardly counts as a rumor those two are as close to the lines as you get.

"Yea but it was not something. . ."He stopped looking Kaidan in the eyes and dropping his gaze. "We have so much going on right now. Do we really need to make waves when the whole galaxy is at war?"

"Gardner." His tone cool a trick he had learned from Shepard early on.

"It's just I thought I overheard I mean. "His hand was back on his neck now, his gazes firmly holding something on the floor." EDI asked the Specialist if it was considered acceptable for Commanders to have relations with two members of her crew. The robot was one of ours so she was looking into Alliance regs and all…"


	3. Chapter 3

3

He had tried to play it off in the mess hall. He had laughed it off with Gardner making comments that if everyone had Commanders as good looking as Shepard the Asari would have a run for their money. Gardner had laughed it off with him. A good attempt but one that never touched his eyes.

_He believes it._

In a daze he finished his meal and thanked Gardner . His mind wondering if any of it could be true. It seemed impossible Hell she never took Vega on missions after the shuttle crash, they were never seen together on the ship. When they spoke it seemed like a very cold mentor-pupil relationship outside of her N7 training in the bay. In the bay….Where they were alone for hours on end…..

Lost in his confusion Kaidan almost bowled over Tali who was standing in front of the memorial wall talking into her ear piece. Guarrus' thick grumble could be heard on the other end.

"Oppff oh sorry Tali!" He grabbed her elbow in an attempt to help right the Quarian. She pulled her elbow away and the LT could swear he heard anger in her voice.

"Kaidan. Have you spoken to Shepard?" Her voice accusatory.

"No I was just heading back from dinner and I.."

She put a finger to her earpiece. "No Garrus she's not here. Must be down in the bay. Are you going to talk to her?" He heard a negative sounding reply from the piece before Tali turned back to him.

"She's upset Kaidan even a blind Krogan can see that. We were all worried about Liara but the Commander is taking it really bad. It was only the second time I have seen her cry." Her voice dropped low on the last part, confiding in the other tech.

_Second?_ In the three years he had known and loved Jane Shepard he had never seen her cry. Not after Ashley, not after Earth's initial attacks, never.

"I have never." He replied flatly.

"You have but you don't remember it." She corrected matter of factly. He gave her a questioning look. In response she brought up her Omnitool and began punching in commands.

"Mars." Was her reply. She sent him the files she pulled and his omni-tool beeped alerting him it had been received.

"She needs you Kaidan. She was there for you and she won't let anyone else close enough." There was the accusation again.

Back in the observation room he pulled up the vid Tali had sent him. Briefly he wondered how Tali had gotten these since the Quarian had only rejoined the Normandy after him. But he reminded himself no matter how good he was with tech Tali was 100 times better.

It was eerie to watch what had so nearly been his death. The android emerge from the ship and to hear his own bones breaking. Being grabbed by the helmet and thrown lifeless. And then he saw what he had not before. Possibly the bravest and dumbest things anyone had ever done for love. Shepard, a small woman by most standards dropped her assault rifle and charged the android like a krogan.


	4. Chapter 4

4

"Get away from him you Son of a Bitch!" The scream was guttural even over the vid's recording. Shot from the landing deck cameras it gave a wide angle view of the scene. Kaidan unconscious lying broken at the feet of the AI, Liara injured struggling to her feet and Shepard her back to the camera charging the thing.

It would have been suicide if Shepard was wearing heavy armor or a half second slower. The crash had knocked out the majority of EVA's shields But it was still a metallic armor to get through. Shepard ducked and slide across the smooth landing pad on her hip. Momentum and body weight letting her keep her speed as she pulled out a pistol to overwhelm the things armor.

In under a meter the things armor is gone taken down by a pistol Kaidan can count on one hand how many times he had seen Jane use one. The AI had reached for the Commander and you could hear the telltale crack of a rib before Shepard is free again. Her other hand was orange energy of an omnitool. Rolling at the last second using the full force of her inertia and bodyweight to come up she came back within reach. Impaling the thing and lifting it off the ground as she ripped the blade up from navel to whatever served as the things heart.

Throwing it off the same way it had done to Kaidan only seconds before she is again in motion yelling to Vega for the shuttle and yelling his name as Liara limps over trying to pull Shepard away to look at his body.

The vid changes over to the Normandy Med Bay. Liara and Jane over his unconscious form. Jane is still in full armor holding his hand shooting question after question at the asari. Her radio comes to life and she is trying to give directions to Joker, Anderson and more still holding his hand.

The Hospital room appeared and Kaidan was surprised. He was not even aware his room had had a camera. A salurian doctor and Jane still in bloody armor only her helmet removed. The doctor is not optimistic about when he would wake and explained the reasons behind a chemical induced coma before exiting.

She was at his bedside her face streaked with blood and ash from the fire but it was her voice that tore into him. It was ragged with grief but she tried to keep it steady. The tears she had kept at bay in front of all the doctors, the crew on board spilled down her face as she spoke.

"I'm here Kaidan. I don't think you can hear me but the doctors are the best and say you are going to be just fine. Karin is here she is going to look after you but she wants to come when I leave….So is Dr. Mitchel I asked her to look after you.

She pulled off her gloves and is holding his hand between hers.

"I hate seeing you like this Kaidan. You always make me feel like together we can take on the galaxy. I'm so so sorry I was too slow." She pauses looking over his sleeping form, finally taking a shaking hand off his to wipe away the streaks on her face.

"Don't leave me again Kaidan. "She pleaded " I need you." Exhaustion and grief must have taken their toll because she puts her head down next to his hand and falls asleep still holding his.

Hours pass on the vids the camera dulling out between visits only snapping back when someone enters the room. Liara comes in looking at the two of them with a frown. 16 hours since they had left Mars and four since they had arrived in the hospital.

"Shepard will you please let the doctors look at you? And Hackett needs to talk to you on vidcom."

"But what if he wakes up and I am not here?"

"I will stay. The doctors think it will be several more days before he wakes up."

"Thank you Liara." Standing and limping over she gives the asari an awkward hug before hobbling out. The scene resumes several hours later Shepard enters the room leaning in the doorway looking in. Her ribs are tapped and her arm is in soft sling but she is in her civvies. The log shows it is 4am the following day.

"Hey there." She starts as if expecting a reply. She hooks the chair with her foot and limps over. With her good hand she runs her fingers through his hair. "I uh I hope it wasn't to forward of me but I sent a message to Earth. Vancouver got hit pretty hard but your Mom's ok. "

She sighs a mixture of exhaustion and grief and for a second he is afraid she will cry again but she doesn't. She talks to him about anything, about Horizon about Earth, it goes on for hours before the vid greys out again.

The third turned on with voices right outside the door. Karin and Jane discussing him and the hospital.

"Anderson got through he is sending intel when he can. Can Kaidan really be safe here? I mean I should stay Dr. Mitchell has too many other responsibilities."

"Commander he is at one of the best hospitals in the galaxy and C-Sec has been notified. Bailey can verify if you are still afraid. He needs to be here, and Earth needs you out there." Chakwas entered the room first ,checking his vitals before turning back to Shepard.

"I know but we are going to the Traverse. It is so far away if anything were to happen…"

Shepard comes in. Dark hollows still under her eyes but the sling is gone. She goes to the opposite side of the bed, reaching out to touch his cheek.

"Commander he is in the heart of the Citadel. The biggest threat I think the Major is under is waking up with a set of sores on that nice rump you like to stare at."

Jane laughs and then whines her hand going to her injured ribs which makes her laugh all the more. Chakwas puts a comforting arm around Shepard and the vid greys out.


	5. Chapter 5

5

"Kaidan. I have to go." The last vid clip shows six days before he woke up. Shepard is back in her purple armor placing her hand lightly on his chest feeling it rise and fall. "I want to stay but Palaven is under attack. You will be safe here. I need you safe."

She leans over and kisses his cheek her voice low in his ear. "Come back to me."

The vid greyed out and he sat staring at the darkened terminal. Tali must have gotten the vids but someone had told her too. Liara was the only one who made sense but Tali and Guarrus had been speaking when he walked over. They had all known, they had all been involved with Shepard since Cerburus had brought her back, when he had been to mad to see facts. And they were all right. Shepard needed someone and he had pushed her away.

Her voice from the vid came to his ears.

"_Come back to me."_


	6. Chapter 6

Sweat rolled down Jane Shepard's back. Her stomach had sheen on it like thoroughbred after a race. James across from her was no better. His bare chest reflected the lights of the small enclosure they had set up and he grimaced with concentration. He made a quick head shake and she broke off. He threw her a towel and leaned against the wall.

"Lola I still don't see how N7 almost didn't take you because of your record. Skills like that you could double as a commando and we would still be in this war."

She just shrugged, drying off. Leaning against an empty container that served as the walls, her back to the Lt. This mini gym had come to her as a series of ideas from Garrus and finally from James. The crew could keep their lounge when she had stress to blow off (and she always did these days) she needed this.

"You know they are talking about us." He broke in.

"Oh?" Her back was still to him as she pulled her hoodie on.

"Well of course. Stressful times stuck on a ship they got nothing else to do."

"And I am so sure you adamantly denied it."

"Hey don't look at me it was your sexy secretary upstairs and her mainframe!" He protested with that slick smile that made her eyes roll. She throws the towel at him and grabs her shoes on the way to the elevator. Vega had his skills she had to give him that but making her want to open up was far from one of them. The door closes as she leaves without bothering to say goodbye.


	7. Chapter 7

7

"What do you mean Joker?" Kaidan Alenko was not a man with a temper but given the circumstances and Jokers ability to line up bull crap and feed it to him was not appreciated right now. He had actually wanted to speak to EDI but as always happened Jeff had found his way into the conversation.

"I just mean her otherwise platinum record had two teeny little smudges on it. They might have something to do with it. I dunno have you tried just TALKING to the Commander she is really open to communication."

If the pilot didn't have a disorder Kaidan might have been threatened to use his biotics on the man. Let's see how funny baiting a superior officer is with two broken limbs.

"EDI what does he mean?"

"I believe he means you should try establishing contact with the Co.."

"No about her record EDI." Rubbing the bridge of his nose He could feel a migraine coming on. He knew they only let the best join the N7 program which is what started this whole issue with Shepard and Vega in the first place.

"Those records are classified Major."

"Yes then why does HE know about them?" Pointing at Joker annoyed.

"I didn't hack into her files if that's what you think Major. I'll leave that to you techies." He had a strange inflection in his voice. As if on cue Alenko realized what Joker had said in front of EDI. He gives a discrete nod and excuses himself.

Making his way back to the elevator he is rubbing his head trying to calm the pounding in his ears. Hearing the door chime he steps in, right into Shepard herself.

He was in such a daze he hadn't even noticed the elevator was going up to her quarters when he got in.

_Well fuck._


	8. Chapter 8

8

"Oh hey" Was her greeting. Her violet eyes flashed to the arrow pointing up and then back to Kaidan with that half smirk. "Going up?" The doors closed and he could swear he heard Jokers laughing as the doors swished.

Shepard was standing barefoot in the elevator her shoes in one hand. Kaidan cursed his inattentiveness but also his tongue tied-ness. He had taken the elevator up instead of down. There was only one room above and they both knew it. What was he going to say to her in her quarters?

The elevator stopped and the door opened behind him. She looked at him expectantly an eyebrow quirked. He was after all blocking the door. Damn it what about her made him a tongue tied teenager?

"Want to come in?" She motioned with her free hand behind him to her room. Given the oddity of their situation her tone was one of friends causally bumping into each other on the street not a lurker getting caught in a Freudian elevator slip. He nodded and let her by, still barefoot she places her hand on the door and it opens.

This was the first he had been to her quarters on this new Normandy. Like the woman it was soldier first everything else secondary. But relics and datapads showed the various other projects that had turned Jane into the larger than life legend. One in specific caught his eye, making his body run cold. On her desk as if a normal paper weight was a N7 helmet with a huge gash down the back, the visor cracker but not broken. He knew that mask anywhere.

It was the one she had died in.

Her light footfalls behind him bring him out of the horrific memories. She is not making eye contact but she is at ease despite it all. She throws down her shoes by the door and ruffles her short hair looking around her room with a shrug.

"Listen, I stink I am gonna hit the shower. Everything is open" She gestures to the data pad filled table which also serves as a liquor cabinet. "I'll just be a minuet." And with that she is gone into the small private bathroom.

He takes another look around the small table and desk setup besides the bed. Something about the last exchange didn't sit right with him but what of all the recent events had? While not avoiding him she was not exactly an easy woman to read . Then it occurred to him. While she was not exactly throwing herself at him he had not heard the bathroom door engage. She was testing him, damn her.

Shaking his head silently he hears the water running but turns back to the living quarters. A small omiboard is set with a chess game already in progress. Two datapads and empty glasses show a scene of a night previous. The fish and music playing make the room less like an official captains quarters but Kaidan has not decided if that is better or worse given the circumstances.

"Sorry about the mess." He had forgotten how silently she could move. He cursed himself for not even hearing the water turn off, lost as he had been in his own thoughts and concerns. He turned around quickly like a kid caught in his parent's nightstand.

_Her hair is longer. It suits her._

He had the sudden urge to run his hand through it still damp letting it cling to his fingers .But he was afraid she would pull away.

She was wearing sweats but water was still running down her neck. True to the navy she had taken a shower in less time than it would take most civilians to adjust the water temperature. Now she stood before him her arms crossed over her stomach in baggy clothes to hide just how small she really was. But that did nothing to blunt the calculating eyes that were fixed on him now.

Someone had once said that if Jane Shepard had been born on Earth instead of some backwater colony she could have been a model. Too short Kaidan always thought an actress would suit her better since she had a natural gift for speaking and a strong presence but she was striking none the less. She had an odd mutation that displayed as violet eyes like an old time movie actress from Earth. She also had sandy red hair that since her time in detention had grown out and darkened, tracing down her neck. But the hollows in her cheeks and bruised color under her eyes showed the effects of the past years. She was still good looking but there was harshness to her that had not been there before. How much of that had he caused he thought guiltily. With the weight of the galaxy on her lean shoulders having a sort-of boyfriend that was jerk should be the least of it.

A/N Wow! For my first real FF the responses have been amazing! The current plan is 2-3 chaps a day as time and muse permits. I have come to realize that this is actually two stories struggling to be written simultaneously and that being said I want to do them both justice separately. Reviews and Suggestions always appreciated and the outreach truly has been amazing ~Raven


	9. Chapter 9

9

The silence was long but not all together uncomfortable. Shepard had learned patience early on and an old employer and taught her to read people and body language even when they were silent. She was watching Kaidan who to his credit was not squirming but was clearly stalling for a way to break the ice.

_Always looking for a way out._

Still barefoot she slips pass the Major and scoops up the two glasses from the table. Over her shoulder letting him get situated she asks "Still take it neat?" Glasses already being poured, she didn't even wait for the answer. Wordlessly she hands him his and flops on the couch her feet on the table. He nods and takes a sip, gathering his thoughts. But Shepard has had enough.

"What are you doing here Kaidan?"

He almost gags on his scotch. Gods he had forgotten her bluntness when she lost patience. To her credit she did not look angry only tired. Had it really only been three days since Thessia?

"Tali and Guarrus wanted me to check up on you." What a lame opening.

"You were on the bridge." She shot back taking a sip but her eyes fixed on his face over the rim of her glass.

"I was talking to Joker and EDI. Christ you should have warned me about her like that." A horrid attempt at humor given the circumstances.

"Sure. OH hey Welcome aboard, the robot body that tried to kill you? It's now inhabited by my Cerberus developed unshackled AI. Mind the pointy hair."

Only Shepard could deliver that with the complete deadpan face she gave him. Kaidan did the last thing he expected to do. He broke into laughter. Whether a mix of the sheer ridiculousness of the situation or just relief that Shepard was still Shepard, smart mouth and all he couldn't stop. Putting his head back and placing his drink on the edge of the table he keeps laughing. It really wasn't that funny but it felt good damnit. Since Udina, since Mars hell since Horizon this felt good.

And she had slipped next to him, their hips touching and he wraps an arm around her shoulder. Nothing planned, nothing pushed it was just them.

"Oh man what is wrong with us Shep?"

"I am the genocide committing reanimated zombie and you are the Specter that loves her?" She asked the hint of a smirk on her lips. But the profound sadness is still in her eyes.

"Yea they should put us in the vids."

"So why are you really here Kay?" Her voice soft, turning the glass between her palms.

"I have been a bit on an ass and it took everyone else on board to point it out to me." He admitted.

"And it has nothing to do with the fact that 80% of my crew thinks I am riding the LT in more ways than one?"

Ouch. Had he come because of the video Tali had shown him or because the rumors that had been going around? He had always considered himself insightful but he had not stopped to think about that until she put it in stark terms.

"Shepard I didn't come here to ask you about that."

"Well we both know I have a history of it. Hell who knows I might have made it part of my MO while with Cerberus." She was just getting to the point of being angry. It was like a switch inside the Commander. She took all the sadness and grief and burned it into anger.

"I didn't come here to fight." He protested.

"You don't even know why you came here." Voice soft, dejected. Another point for her.

"You're right. Just with everything between the Citadel and Earth I don't even know where I am at most of the time. There is no time between one crisis and the next."

"Well they let me out of the brig so you KNOW things are bad."


	10. Chapter 10

10

The trial had not been kind to Shepard. Kaidan knew she had been in solitary for all of it. Only being allowed to see Anderson or Vega unless a military lawyer needed to see her and then only under intense scrutiny. Since the abrupt end to her otherwise stellar career and the Alpha Relay no one had known what to do with her. Even the Cerberus team she had built had paled in comparison to that horrific event.

The data that she had recorded against the organization and sent to Anderson showed her loyalty to the Alliance even after they had turned their backs on her. The good word from Hackett also backed up the intel that had lead up to the Alpha disaster. Another hard choice that weighed heavy on the Commander's shoulders that Kaidan had no idea how to bring up to her.

But the Alliance had called on many witnesses for Shepard's good character, even played the recording of her attempt to warn the Batarian's. Even after the fact and knowing the outcome it was hard to hear the near panic in Shepard's voice as the courtroom played that recording . She was only set free at the appearance of the Reapers, she had a reason to be angry but that didn't make being on the receiving end of it any easier for the Major.

He polishes off his drink, choosing his words carefully.

"I just needed you to know I am with you Jane. No matter what."

He couldn't argue with her, he couldn't accuse given everything that had happened. What right did he have? Just looking at her made everything come rushing back. He knew he had stayed away simply because it had been easier than facing her.

She puts her head on his shoulder and he holds her in silence just looking at the void of space flying by.


	11. Chapter 11

"It's difficult. All things worth keeping are." An oddly familiar voice played over Shepard's data screen.

Kaidan looked up from the couch questioningly. Since their first ill-timed elevator run in he had come up to her quarters only after mission debriefings and even then their interactions were ….Well he hadn't come up with a term for it yet exactly. It was clear the rift had not been mended between the two but neither was quite sure how to make the necessary steps.

"I recognize that voice." He started hoping she would let the walls down just a little. He had been invited up but she was still seated at her desk while he sat at the table. She didn't know how to turn off. Kaidan had begun to wonder if there was much of Jane left under all the Commander Shepard but times likes these shone through.

"Thane." A simple sadness in her voice as she looked at what he could only assume was a vid of the Drell who had died soon after Udina's betrayal.

When he had first woken in the hospital at the Citadel he had noticed the Drell keeping careful watch over him. It was only after a week of pestering that Chloe had told Kaidan who the Drell really was. Shepard had more than one set of eyes making sure he was cared for. At the time he had been suspicious but given Udina's betrayal Shepard had been wise to be paranoid. After viewing the vids from Mars he now saw her actions as signs of affection.

"We spoke in the hospital often. He was very insightful." Kaidan had a sinking feeling in his stomach from the tone of her voice. It was not jealously exactly but slight resentment that the man had bonded with Shepard when he had been unwilling to.

But what had their relationship been? A dying pious assassin was just the type of broken individual that Shepard would bring close to her in her unending efforts to save everyone in the galaxy except herself.

"I keep that recording as my manta now. Reminds me what I am fighting for I guess. Mordin was right, giving it a personal face helps keep it real somehow."

He nods not wanting to break her memories. Both Mordin and Thane had been lost and getting her to talk about them was a good sign. Across the model ships he sees her running a hand along the edge of the holo with a sad smile.

When he had finally been able to leave the hospital bed he made it a point to talk to the assassin. To say he was impressed was an understatement. The man made no effort to hide his intentions, leave it to Shepard to find the one straight forward assassin in the galaxy.

"Good to finally meet you Mr. Alenko. I recognized you from the photo. Commander Shepard speaks highly of you." He extended his four fingered hand the other still behind his back.

"I beg your pardon?" Dr. Mitchelle had told Kaidan about the Drell having worked with Shepard during the Collectors but she would not give an assassin his info would she?

"I overstep myself. Forgive me." The Drell blinks with two separate sets of eyelids. Tilting his head to one side.

"Drell have perfect memories and my experiences amongst the crew of your Normandy are ones I remember fondly."

_Not my Normandy._ He did not bother to correct the other man.

"You said a photo?"

The Drell turns his head clearly recalling the events in a stream of narrative.

"Captains quarters she brings every member up to thank them personally one by one before the final jump. I falter, confide in her that I now know fear. She bolsters me confiding she too is afraid but things are worth fighting for beyond ourselves. She looks to a photo on her desk, violet eyes darken. Human male dark hair light brown eyes SR1 logo on collar. She smiles turning back to me. "Thane you helped me find peace in a world that no longer had a place for me. I intend to return the favor." I look down at her quizzically. "You already have." I assure her. I take my leave."

The Drell comes out of his trance a smile on his lips. He looks up at Kaidan. "The photo was you of course. I knew it before Shepard found me and asked me to watch over you."

_Even after Horizon she had kept a photo of him?_

"It was supposed to be my last mission. Shepard had other plans. She always has other plans it would seem."

"Yea she is something else alright." Alenko stumbled. He was unsure what to say to this man he had just met who knew more about Shepard than he possibly did.

* * *

A/N Ok after admitting to myself there are clearly two distinct stories here I have to admit that this one will go in a completely different direction :) I am attempting for 2-3 chapters every few days for this one and holding off the muses for the other as yet unnamed story for later. As always thanks for the amazing support R&R appreciated-Raven


	12. Chapter 12

12

His time in the hospital was not entirely wasted. Talking to the Drell had many benefits the least of which was getting a firsthand account of the events of the SR-2. He hated to admit it but every memory the assassin told rang true as something only Shepard could have pulled off.

"You were not with her in the final push?" Alenko asked one day just before he was discharged. He and Tali had been on the Citadel when they had taken down the thing that had once been Saren. And he could not recall the break downs of teams that it had taken to destroy the former Protheans. He just knew the outcome of the so called suicide mission.

"No I had been given another task." The Drell had a wistful smile. He templed his fingers together leaning forward in the lounge chair.

So far it had been a good day for the man. The cough spasm's had been infrequent enough. A direct result of seeing Shepard the day before Kaidan was almost positive but he could hardly blame the man. Hadn't he too been swept up in admiration of the Commander from the beginning at Eden Prime? That hero worship had grown into something more over time but Thane had seen her at her worst but also at her best by his own accounts and Kaidan grudgingly agreed.

"You know how the Collectors lured us away from the Normandy yes? How EDI and Joker saved the ship and contacted us? "He nods he had gotten the mission summaries from Anderson after the Collectors had been neutralized and was filling in blanks from Thane's perfect memories.

"Miranda enraged, blames Joker. Shepard enraged pushes between them glaring Lawson down teeth grinding "Stand down Lawson! You missed it. I missed it. We all missed it. He and EDI are the only reason we don't have to take a g'damn shuttle back to your Boss right now." "Don't even get me started about the damn AI." Miranda crosses her arms trying to look in control, intimidated." You knew the risks when you installed her. She could have left us out there not sending the distress call. Or vented the whole ship. Jeff went above and beyond and you better damn well be thankful." Miranda chastised, acknowledges Joker before the Commander. "What do we do now Shepard?" "We get our people BACK."

The Drell leans back in the lounge chair. Coming back to the present to catch his breath. Kaidan had heard some of this from Moreau last time they had drinks at Apollo but the way the Drell was able to give such an exacting account made it all the more chilling. Besides who could take anything Joker said as truth? Somewhere between Anderson's files, Jokers bullcrap there was the truth. Thane just made it easier to find.

Kaidan had to admit the memories seemed to energize the former assassin. While normally conversing or exercising the man would become winded quickly but when reliving a memory he seemed strong again. Fluid in a way that showed his pain was gone and he had found the peace he had sought. This time Thane had sought the Major out.

"Major a query if you please."

"Sure Thane whats up?"

He had come to like talking with the Drell. He had even spoken to him about Udina's pending offer surprising himself.

" I know the human military adage 'never leave a man behind.' Does that hold true if the people are neither human nor military?"

Kaidan smiled at the question. He knew where this was going.

"It does to Shepard. She takes the crew and makes them hers. Even if she didn't like someone personally .Why do you ask?"

"The other day when we spoke you asked if I was with her on the final charge and I remarked it always seemed Shepard had other plans." He gestures to the two chairs by the window overlooking the Citadel that had become their local haunt as of late.

"Yea the reports show she had to split teams up multiple times."

"Yes we had reformed in the main room where the crew was being held. We broke them out many of them almost too weak to stand or frantic like Mrs. Chambers." Kaiden noticed this time the assassin was retelling the story not falling into the memory like he had previously.

"Everyone was accounted for but they were not soldiers, not warriors and certainly not in any condition to fight. She sent me with them to escort them to the ship." The Drell said simply but his features showed that something did not sit right with him about this.

"If anyone can get these people out of here it is an assassin. I protested saying this was not how it should be. If there came to a fight Grunt or Zaeed would be better choices. She pulled me aside, "look at them if they get spotted by the Collectors it is already too late. I nod looking at their draw and tired faces, faces I had come to know. She touched my arm lowering her voice "Saving lives is a hell of a better penance than asking forgiveness. Get our people home Thane."

"So you were upset because she sent you back. Ordered you to sit out of the fight." Kaidan could see Shepard's logic but something about it concerned Thane months after the fact.

"Yes her order made sense but I wonder if she did it for me and the crew or if she did not think I could have survived the final onslaught."


	13. Chapter 13

"I just sent Kolyat a transmission. He is back on Kahje. Thane has been given back to the depths."

"You wish you could have gone."

"How could I with everything? Damn Reapers don't let me cross the galaxy for the funeral of one of the most amazing men I have ever met." Her voice only giving a hint to the frustrations she felt.

"You got to say goodbye and you got his killer. Thane would understand. He choose his own end not sick in a bed months from now. You are looking after his son that is more than he could have asked for."

"He is alone now, an orphan like me. Something we have in common. To draw strength from."

She had never spoken about Mindoir openly before. Tali had been right again the walls Shepard had spent a decads building up were cracking and he was glad he got to be here for Shepard even if he was not sure what "being here" for her even met.

He wondered to himself how he would have reacted given the same situation. Being resigned to death only to be thrown back into the thick of things and given the responsibilities with no real direction how to pull off anything. Being seen as a traitor to everything you had once stood for. Hell he had fallen apart just from losing her she had lost everything not just the two years.

"I think it is good for both of you then." He stands from the couch and walks behind her desk putting a hand on her shoulder. Raising her hand and putting it over his she gives a squeeze.

"Well there is a big difference between watching your father save the entire Council and being a twelve year old who managed to get way to damn lucky."

_Twelve? All her records said she was sixteen at the attack before she enlisted._

His mind tried to process as he searched her reflection in the vid screen. She stood and buried her face in his shoulder. Wrapping his arms around her reflexively, his mind still racing. Something about it just didn't make sense and he was reminded of the conversation he had with Joker about tarnishes on her record and ways to sort out the truth.

"Luck only gets you so far. Luck didn't get you through N7, luck didn't get you into Specters."

At the mention of N7 her eyes go wide.

"Crap What time is it?" She checks her omni and frowns. "I gotta get to the bay!" She grabs her shoes and with a quick peck on his cheek is at the door. "Everything is open, let yourself out" And the door whooshes shut leaving him confused, his hand absently going to his cheek.


	14. Chapter 14

12

_Everything is open..._

Her words ring in his mind. Everything electronic maybe open to a tech like Alenko but Shepard was as enigmatic as ever. He felt like a heel but he had to know. Gnawing doubts had been growing worse since his rejoining the crew. Sitting down at her desk and opening his own onmitool he began to unlock her document blocks. Being a Spector had its benefits. One of the biggest was having the best of everything which included programs that could down security protocols like these in seconds. One by one files and vids began to unlock. He might not have Tali's prodigal skills he was still pretty damn good. The only question was how deeply he wanted to push since he had already taken advantage of Shepard's trust by doing this while she was out.

Placing the bug was a simple matter. Getting rid of the sinking feeling that accompanied it was not. He could still feel her warmth against him. The smell of her hair as she gave him that kiss on the cheek as she rushed out. An automatic action but a token of affection that was rare from her. After Saren before the first Normandy went down they had become more open about their affection but both were Alliance and knew they needed to be reserved. Everyone on the crew had known about them but years of training on both their ends had kept them apart more then he liked to dwell on.

The bug was a sleeper. It would remain dormant until activated. He could run it when he knew Shepard was away from her terminal which she used so infrequently anyway. He felt like a snake and vowed he would leave it alone until he could have a better idea what was going on between the two Specters. Twice now she had told him everything was open but they both knew how superficial that was. Everything tangible might be open but the whirlwind of temper and cunning that made up Jane Shepard was as difficult to understand as ever.

Even after meeting with the War councils she hardly ever called him up to vent her frustrations. He often would overhear bits and pieces of conversations as she made the rounds. Talking to Tali about the Geth/Quarian alliance and reconstruction. Garrus about the war efforts on Menea even the shuttle flier Cortez. The only one she never seemed to make it a point to talk to was Vega. And that bothered him almost as much as her tender sadness while talking about the Drell assassin.


	15. Chapter 15

15

"It would mean a lot to me Steve."

"No promises Shepard. It's an outdated model but she's a beauty. I'll see what I can do."

"Next time we are at Purgatory drinks are on me. Speaking of which get rid of those pictures. That's an order."

Laughing the Commander exits leaving Cortez to deal with the fall out of their exchange.

"Pictures?" Vega pops his head around the Kodiak.

"Well vids actually. Promised her I wouldn't upload them to the extra but you never know when good blackmail material will come in handy."

"You're shitting me Estaban." The boyish hope was not well hidden on the LT's face.

"No! Common I suppose I should thank you for warming her up anyway. Buying drinks for those Marines before hitting the dance floor. Classic!"

"Que Mierda!"

"You are just mad 'cuz she came down here to see me not you." Cortez leans against the craft. It felt good to be throwing it back at the big lug for a change. Since Vega got invited to N7 and the gym had been set up everyone suddenly was asking Cortez about his friend and their CO. He had respected both too much to say much either way but that didn't mean he was above giving Vega shit about it either.

"What is that piece of junk anyway? Looks ancient." Giving up for now on the topic of an intoxicated Shepard on video he switched to the item that she had left behind.

"Pistol. Civilian issue. Military upgrades but outdated as hell."

"But look at that POS things gotta be older than me."

"And for once Vega. You are not exaggerating." Cortez puts the antique on the work bench. It was weird having Shepard come to him about it. She had on more than one occasion modded her own weapons but this one clearly had meaning behind it. Getting the parts for this would be difficult if not impossible but given everything the Commander had done for him impossible was doable.

"Yea but why would anyone keep that ugly thing?"

Sighing at his somewhat dull-witted friend Cortez puts the pistol down gently.

"Unlike you some people keep things out of sentimentality. Some people look at things beyond what's on the outside."

"Says you. She's still damn hot."

"The gun Pendejo."

"Whatever. Actually I think I saw her use that thing on Mars. Not like I was paying attention after the concussion but seemed out of place."

"Yea well we aren't gonna get parts for it in Citadel space." He scans it with his omnitool putting in a work order for Shepard.

"Elkoss Combine. Out of circulation over two decades. Ok Vega I'll give you one. This thing was a piece of crap when it was new."


	16. Chapter 16

A muffled beep alerts Kaidan that a message had hit his omnitool. Not expecting any news from Earth for another few hours he steps away from the Observation Deck and pulls it up. Frowning he pulls up a work request that Shepard had signed off on for Cortez before her latest mission. Looking over the specs he frowns. Odd terminus system requisitions made in Jane's name for some pistol. On a hunch he pulls up the image scan. All weapons have an individual chip that can trace its history. Running the gun's ID goes back over thirty years. While it was listed as upgraded by Shepard years back with some good specs the original owner was one Robert Shepard last known habitance Mindoir.

When he bugged Shepard's terminal he had put out a lose net and this was the first real hit that had meant anything. She must have dropped that pistol off to Cortez before he had dropped them off at Tachanka. How had she managed to hold on to a gun from her parents over two decades? Keeping it in working order must have been a small fortune let alone how had she gotten it back after the first Normandy had been destroyed?

Another idea hit him. Not only were guns registered but service orders could often be tracked if anyone was interested. With so many large scale trades few people ever bother but if this was something Jane had cared enough about he wanted to help if he could.

Just as he had expected the service orders were spotty at best. Long periods of inactivity but some very interesting updates. Purchased by who could only ben Jane's father years before the slaughter that would cost him his life. Nothing else recorded until a police record a decade later. Used by unnamed human in self-defense against Batarian slavers. Weapon confirmed in four deaths, subject and weapon released. Jane had been a young teen at the time. All reports he had seen said she had hidden away but this report more resembled the Jane Shepard he knew.

Unnamed human brought in for servicing and heavy fire upgrade. Service Station Omega 2171, just a few months after the raid on Mindoir. The fact that any information had come up that pirate den was odd. The fact that it had not been more carefully monitored was just outright foolish.

_That's why she gave the gun to Cortez. She knows he is not about to run the tag._

His interested peaked he heads down to the one person on the ship who could acquire anything. Cortez was good but he was no Quarian.


	17. Chapter 17

"You are spying on her you Bosh'tet!" He had never heard Tali so angry.

"Not spying exactly …." Kaidan holds up his hands in self-defense. "Besides you two" He indicates the Quarian and her Turian partner in crime "are the ones who told me to help her!"

"Tasi! None said anything about breaking her trust! Keelah don't you think she's been through enough!" The voice projector in Tali's mask cracked out. He had never heard her so pissed. Garrus put a hand on her back to try to calm her down.

"I know I know, but you two where there for her…I need to make up for lost time ya'know? Everything is so different now. When I saw you guys on Horizon I was so sure it couldn't be her. With the scars and the Cerberus armor? I was sure it SHE" He corrected himself" had to be a clone or something. And then you were with her Garrus and I couldn't do it. Not like that with everyone stolen away by bug-men. I am looking for a way to make things right but sometimes…." He rubbed the back of his neck. He hated not knowing how to explain.

"Sometimes you feel like everything is moving too fast and you are just along for the ride." Garrus supplied .

"Don't you go sympathizing with him!" Tali interrupted but he could hear in her voice that the anger had mostly gone out of it.

Those two were good for each other he thought not without the twinge of jealously. He had no feelings of that kind for Tali. She was more like a little sister but they had been Shepard's ground team from the beginning. He and Tali had taken on Saren while Garrus lead Joker from the skies. But they had found each other in the days leading up to the Collector base and he and Shepard were still a mystery to Kaidan.

"He is right thought, Tali you gave me the vids from Mars and then I rejoined the Normandy and I guess I was just hoping things would come together like you two did. Sounds stupid I guess when I say it like that." Kaidan was aware of the look that passed between the two. He was pretty sure Garrus was onboard but Tali was the one he really needed.

"It's not perfect. It's not what you wanted. But it's the best she could do." Tali's said her voice oddly soft.

"Huh?" It was clear she was quoting something but what exactly Kaidan had no idea.

"That's what Shepard said to her when we first found. Well when we were on the Alarei." Garrus informed him.

"It's alright Garrus. Kaidan that was what she said to me when we found out my father was testing geth. When we found his…body. She swore to me she wouldn't tell my people so neither of us were exiled. She kept quiet because she knew how much he cared for me. She understood my father did stupid things for love."

With that admission he knew Tali was on board.

* * *

A/N Thank you for all the wonderful feedback and constructive criticisms. Please feel free to contact me if you notice mistakes that I missed. I would love to give you credit for catching my mistakes! I am also now caught up to the parts I have pre written so the time between my brain and actually getting them uploaded gives more chances for slip ups. Thanks in advance !-Raven


	18. Chapter 18

18

"But I am not lying to her" Tali protested .

"You" she poked a finger into Kaidan's sternum "need to cover your tracks better. That Comm Specialist is all over the Commander's communications. "I don't have time to fix it. Being an Admiral, an engineer and giving men hopeless romantic advice. I have no time for this!" She shook her head turning back to the drive core. Neither man was fooled that she was really annoyed.

"And you are loving every minute of it Admiral Vas'Normandy." Garrus chuckled giving her a squeeze and managing to duck under her halfhearted attempt at a swat to his scarred face. Nodding his head toward the door Kaidan followed the Turrian to the elevator and back to the main floor.

"Ah an Admiral, a Major and hell some sort of General I guess. What a messed up group we are eh Kaidan?" The thick gravelly chuckle made Kaidan smile.

"Yea well I don't know about Turrian Hierarchy but Earth's chains of command are getting pretty funky. Hell Commander is a term they just kinda throw around anyway. Anderson is pretty much leader de-facto of the resistance. Somehow Admiral or Ambassador don't cut it."

"Well if you four Alliance types start saluting each other all the damn time like Jacob did last time around we won't get a damn thing done." The two start walking toward the battery. There were yeomen still around the mess and Kaidan was quick to note the stares and averted eyes. Garrus gives a smile and nod to Dr. Chakwas before they pass.

"I don't think you have much to worry about there. Hell I don't think I have seen Joker salute anyone let alone me. And Vega…. Well maybe for Shepard." His voice had an edge he did not like but Garrus had the good sense to wait until the battery door closed behind them before saying anything more.

"Kaidan why did Anderson stonewall Shepard after the Council reinstated her Specter status?" He leaded on the command console facing the human. For once calibrations seemed to be the last thing on his mind.

"What? I don't know what you are talking about? Remember I was stationed on Horizon for months before the Collectors attacked. I had gotten some weird reports about Shepard with Cerberus but that was a day or two before you guys showed up."

Garrus mandibles clicked independently. Kaidan assumed that was the Turrian equivalent of sucking ones teeth.

"First thing Shepard did after getting to Omega for me and Mordin was meet with Anderson. He set it up, claiming he heard rumors she was alive. We arrived and aside from the glowing orange cheek Anderson treated her the same as he always had. Until she asked about you." His head tilts analyzing the Major's reaction before continuing.

"Everything you said to her about being a puppet, about owing them was nothing she hadn't already worried about. Hell all she had to do was look in the mirror to see what they had done to her. "He gestures one thick finger in the direction of med-bay then rubs the scar on his face.

"The first few days were brutal. Between me and her I don't think Chakwas or Mordin slept more than six hour shifts combined. But she demanded, she needed to know who….what she was. Every test the two could think of they ran on her. Hell I learned more about human physiology than I ever needed to know."

Kadian raised an eyebrow at that before Garrus realized what he had implied.

"Huh? You know what I mean. My cybernetics were extensive but mostly superficial grafts. Helped with the healing. Yes before you say anything they WERE worse before." His eyes narrowed but his bluster was mostly jest.

"But Shepard?" Kaidan pushed afraid to ask.

"Well she was not handling it so well. The first few days I expected her to tear Miranda apart. But she bottled it all up and got back to work at least on the outside. Inside she wouldn't admit it to anyone but she was terrified."

"That's kinda hard to believe Garrus. When I met you guys at Horizon she was giving orders like nothing had happened."

"Yea well after MRI's, Cats and any other invasive procedure that struck Mordin's interest they both gave her a clean bill of health. And to this day I have no idea what felines had to do with anything." He shook his head not understanding most of human medicine. "I just know Shepard woke up after two years- to the sound of gunfire over her head. Took a Reaper fragment to the gut and the idea of being part- one of them made by her enemy scared the hell out of her. Hearing you say it just made it more obvious."

"Why are you telling me this now?"

_It wasn't bad enough that he had lost all this time. Had treated her like a traitor and left her alone when she needed him most now Garrus needed to rub his face in it?_

"I can't really explain it. But there was something different about her." Kaidan's eyes went wide and the Turrian held open his hands trying to think of a way to explain it accurately.

"No I mean when she was in combat or giving orders it was the same. Same tone, same quick thinking, same "damn wish they could make more like her" sarcastic wit. But otherwise there was this rage and aggression like I had never seen before. It was like they threw some Krogan in the mix for good measure."

"While we were being examined she had me go over every mission with her, detail by detail just to test her memory of them. Make sure they were really hers not something Cerberus had just kinda implanted."

"Can they even do that?"

The idea gave Kaidan chills, the idea that the memories that had haunted him when he had lost her she might not even have anymore. Or worse that someone had gone in and somehow altered her own memories to make her more aggressive or violent was such a perversion of her strong character.

"They brought back the dead. Not mostly dead , Not "I don't want to go in the cart" dead. Stone dead." He pointed out. "But we sat up going over mission after mission from SR-1 and she remembered it all. She remembered Binthu , way I figure it if Cerberus wanted to make themselves out to be the good guys that is the one they would have patched. " Garrus gives an odd looking shrug.

"If you are trying to cheer me up Garrus you are just as bad at it as always." A wry smile crossed Kaidan's features but his friend had given him a bit of perspective about their rebel without a military days.

"No what I am trying to tell you is you keep spouting off about lost time and missed opportunities and I am giving you the background to make decisions. Don't treat everything like it should have been three years ago. It's not. "His mandibles click frowning. "Hell the night terrors and Joker's broken tibias can attest to that."


	19. Chapter 19

19

"You're telling me she attacked Joker?" While Kaidan had no doubt if it came down to it Shepard could do some serious damage to the pilot. But nothing in their demeanor had indicated that anything of the sort had happened between the two.

"Well she didn't mean to. After Horizon she kinda shut down. No, stop. I am not blaming you. "He puts up and hand and goes on.

"But everyone knew she wasn't sleeping and no one could talk to her about it. One night it must have gotten so bad EDI informed Joker and he went to check on her. Apparently she was thrashing around so hard he went to wake her afraid she would hurt herself, instead he got it. She must have kicked him before she came to and by then damage was done" The Turrian gives that odd bird shrug again, trying to keep his expression distant.

"I woke up to the sound of her calling Chakwas and carrying him into the med bay. Needless to say sedation was not an option. So we sat up watching her, she didn't trust the Cerberus agents but eventually Thane and Samara took turns. Thane taught her to meditate; it seemed to help calm her. Gave her back a sense of control that she needed I guess"

"So what does that have to do with now?" The idea of people needing to watch over Shepard, thrashing at enemies that aren't there trapped in her own nightmares chilled him.

" It was different than the SR-1. We were HER crew not an Alliance crew that was under her command. She recruited them one by one. You know how she makes a crew hers? Gives them everything they need so they risk it all for the mission?" Kaidan nods.

"Well like Thane, like all of us. She had nothing left to lose. She didn't plan on coming back but that didn't stop her. Samara and I stood next to her when we saw that….thing the Mega Reaper or whatever and she still told the Illusive Man to shove that Reaper where the sun didn't quiet reach. All the while I think she still believed that there was a kill switch somewhere in her brain. Part of her probably hoped there was."

"And then Hackett had her head to the Alpha Relay even though she wasn't Alliance anymore." Kaidan felt his stomach ball up, an odd mix of grief and sympathy for the crew he had only now months later come to understand were not the enemy that he had told himself they were. He had met Taylor at the assault on the scientists and knew Shepard had been in contact with the agent who had brought her back.

_Miranda._ He internally corrected himself.

_Even those two, totally loyal to "the cause" defected for Shepard. _

Kaidan and Garrus are silent for a long time, lost in thoughts of the past years. Of family and friends lost because of this war and how things could have been different.

"You know" Garrus interrupts Kaidan's train of thought. "I once asked Shepard how she could be such a good soldier. Know what she told me? I didn't think much of the answer at the time."

The Major tilts his head inquiring.

"She told me it was because she had forgotten how to be anything else."


	20. Chapter 20

20

He was on the bridge making small chat with Joker and EDI after lunch. Since the discovery of his bug by the Quarrian and the following conversations with the crew deck love birds Kaidan felt oddly optimistic. He wanted to know more about what had happened to Joker after having both legs effectively broken by a sleeping Commander but he had to admit he was also curious about the evolving relationship between his best friend and the AI. What made it even more amusing was Joker had confided in him that EDI had been talking to Shepard of all people about relationships.

"Pot this is kettle, so nice to meet you." The pilot had said with a gleeful smile when he told Kaidan about it.

"Yea but YOU say that to Shepard" He went on good naturedly. "I'd like to keep my bones intact this time around if it's all the same."

"Jeff about that.."

"Aw Shit. "Jeff"? This must be serious."

"Thanks for watching out for her when I was being an ass. Even if it cost you."

"Christ! Loud mouthed Turrian. He's worse than a den mother. Besides I didn't do it for you. I did it for her." The coolness of Joker's voice was uncharacteristic.

" 'sides why should you be the only one to get to see her in her jammies?" He was goading Alenko on now. "As far as I knew you were out of the picture and we were renegades against the law anyway why not make my moves? They gave me new upgrades might as well give them a full physical test. Crawling in her bed seemed like a good trial run."

"If that was the case it is safe to assume the results were conclusive that more improvements need to be made." EDI chimes in innocently.

Kaidan bursts out laughing and Joker scowls under the brim of his cap. They had served together too long for Kaidan to really think the other man was upset but it was damn funny to see him on the receiving end of it from his own ship.

Just as he is about to dig in further with Joker his omni begins to beep. It activates and Shepard's voice calls his attention.

"Kaidan? I just got off the comm with Hackett I got a mission you will want to be a part of. Met me and Liarra in the shuttle bay." The transmission clicked off without waiting for a reply.

Turning to go he heard Joker call out to him.

"Hey Kaidan you really want to get her going ask Shepard how Allison Gunn is doing."


	21. Chapter 21

"Eden Prime" He breathed the name as if it were a foreign word.

That was the mission Shepard had wanted him to go on with her and Liara. It really was a full circle to be back here where it all began. Watching the shuttle circle the now vastly more excavated dig site and follow Cerberus's tail. But as usual with their missions it got a whole lot weirder quick.

"Jenkins and that damn Geth recon drone." The first of many friends lost to this war.

"My fault Kaidan not yours. He had told me he was from here. I had him scout out ahead. He wanted to make a name for himself so I let him take point. Hell I might have spent the hour just shooting those gas bags if he hadn't told us they were harmless." She touched his arm lightly. They had been over this before, of course but somehow hearing her blame herself this time made it harder.

"Not a lot of people have had my back from the beginning. It means a lot to have you here." She gives his arm a squeeze but her eyes are already on the horizon scanning the LZ. He does notice with a degree of satisfaction that she leaves her gloved hand on his arm and the barest trace of a smile plays at the corners of her lips when he squeezes it.

That was the beginning of possibly the weirdest mission in the history of weird Shepard does the impossible missions ever.

Finding the pod was easy enough, as was taking out the assorted Cerberus goons that came with. There was certain glee that filled Shepard as she took down the minions of her former employer. Finding the intel for the resistance on the rest of Eden Prime was just a bonus between messages that only Shepard could understand.

Standing over the console before activating the pod Shepard begins to laugh. The two look at their leader as if she had just taken a flying leap off the deep end.

"Shepard?" Liara's voice rising as the Commander just keep laughing, motioning the Asari over.

"Hey Li remember when you came to tour the N2 right after the Shadow Broker mission?" Shepard is trying to take deep breaths still giggling.

"Yes…? I don't see how that is relevant now."

"When you came up to my room and were saying you would be 109 and could see the end of the whole universe?"

"Shepard now is not the best time."

Shepard turns on her heels holding out both her arms toward the unlocking pod hands spread, a triumphant grin on her face.

"TaDa! Happy Birthday!"

Kaidan didn't know which was better the grin that had been missing off Shepard's face or the completely confused look on Liara's

"So Liara did you ever dig up a dinosaur?" Kaidan couldn't help himself. The whole situation was unreal and Shepard was having a ball with it. More centurions arrived while the pod thawed and Shepard was taunting them out of their ships. Standing beside the pod and lofting grenades into Liara's singularities while the other two remained behind cover.

Giving a sigh of disgust at both teammates apparent leave of their senses Laira bends over the pod looking at their newest guest. She gives a very girlish squeal as the Protean's eyes flutter open and the two soldiers laugh all the harder.


	22. Chapter 22

22

That was just under three hours ago and the sight of Shepard laughing still made Kaidan smile. He had almost forgotten how the purple of her eyes seemed to light up when she laughed, or that the fine lines that now made her look tired had first formed as laugh lines around her eyes. A sign not of battles won but of life lived.

He had left the two ladies working with the Prothean Javik in the lower deck. He had just finished washing up before grabbing dinner when his omnitool clicked on. By the sound of echoing boots he knew it was a live feed. He heard Shepard's voice among others. He heard a soldier telling them SOP included assume hostilities, well the Prothean certainly counted as hostile when he had first woken.

"I don't think our guest will be a problem. Will he?" Came over the tool and he heard Liara's gasp. In his mind's eye he could see the thing grabbing Shepard as it had on the planet, sharing memories via touch. He was headed to the elevator before he even heard the reply.

"Among my people there are virtues we embody. I am vengeance. "Its odd voice crackled without any emotion.

"I don't care if you are the embodiment of "hey kids get off my lawn." We are fighting the Reapers can you help us?" There was something like a primal growl and Liara gasped again.

The telltale sound of a rifle being brought up and Shepard's unwavering voice. The elevator doors opened and he ran to the room which lay out just as he had imagined it. Four marines all having guns trying to train on the Prothean around Shepard's form. Her hand a fist extended back toward them in a hand sign without looking, trusting the Marines were well enough trained to follow unspoken commands.

_Halt. _

"That's not going to do any good boys. Our friend here is a biotic. But we have the same enemy so we will not waste our efforts on each other."

For a tense moment the thing looked poised to attack. Gathering his energy from around the room Kaidan felt his biotics tingling. Blue energy wrapped around his fists as he watched the four eyes appraise the slight woman in front of him before nodding. She lowers her fist and the marines leave the room with a salute.

Without turning she says "Thanks Kaidan." Looking up at the Prothean she continues." I am going to be upstairs. Have EDI call me if you need me. "She looks to Liara and then back to Javik. "Either one of you." She nods and turns to leave. Kaidan falls in behind her wondering what the hell just happened.

Shepard does not say anything as they step into the elevator. He hits the stop button between floors and turns toward her.

"What the hell just happened?" Confused at her smirk he demands an explanation.

"I think it turned out rather well don't you?"

"You are gonna get yourself killed pulling stunts like that! Why did you alert me anyway?"

"That was nothing. When I let Grunt out of the tank he bull rushed me and I didn't have 4 armed guards in the room." Shaking her head she explains everything simply as if it was the most obvious course of action.

"I turned on my audio feed because we saw him use that biotic attack on the surface. In closed quarters like that things could have gotten bad fast. Every Marine might be a rifleman but they don't account for biotics if they fired in a confined space. And Liara would have tried to analyze the Prothean while he threw me around the room like a bouncing ball. You would have kept me safe." She gave him a shy little smile.

Kaidan let out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding. He wanted to be mad at her for taking such stupid risks really he did. But hearing her say that part of her "master plan" had included letting him come to her rescue made him feel a little less pissed. After seeing her laugh like a crazy teenager on the planet and comparing the 50,000 year old alien to a cranky old neighbor he didn't know what to say but his crooked grin spread across his face despite himself.

"Come here you. "Wrapping his arm around her waist and gently pulling her in close." Don't try that again. Last thing this war needs is you getting sidelined because you wanted to give someone a birthday present they will never forget." He was chuckling now in spite of himself. For the moment she contented herself to be held, putting her ear to his chest.

"Commander the elevator has been manually disabled do you and the Major require assistance?" EDI's voice chimed over the speaker.

"Make sure you decon the thing when you are done with it! Geeze you have a room you know!" Jokers voice cutting in over EDI's.

Still wrapped in his arms Shepard tilts her head up to the speakers cringing. "Just for that Joker I am gonna rub my ass on all the handrails!"

"Hrrmmm" the voice intoned "That only works if you are wearing the black lacey ones." And the speaker cut off.


	23. Chapter 23

23

Groaning Shepard reburied her face into Kaidan's chest. He could just see the tips of her ears turning pink peeking out between her matted hair.

_Have to tell Joker he actually managed to make the Commander blush._ He chuckled to himself.

Contented to hold, her he runs one finger in her hair, tucking it behind her still reddened ear. He ran three fingers through the tangled mess of her hair and she leaned into his touch like a cat. Her face was still buried in his shirt but he could imagine her face with that small contented smile she allowed herself from his affections. An evil thought came over him and he had to push. Moving his hand from the small of her back to the belt loops of her civvies, he gives a slight tug mischievously.

"Well Commander are you?

He heard a grunt that sounded distinctly like an 'ugh!" from his shirt fabric and she pushed him away with an eyeroll that didn't quite reach her small smile. The same smile she kept just for him.

"Kaidan…"

"Don't Kaidan me. This is business." His attempt at humor from the fiasco at Mars. But apparently that wound was still too fresh for the Commander. She scowled up at him finally stepping away.

"I appreciate what you are trying to do Kaidan, really I do. Please just don't." She looked up at him the sad sweet smile that pulled at his heart. Her shoulders slumped and he reluctantly let her step away from him. Her eyes had bruised look to them and the line that would knit itself between her eyebrows when she was thinking something was evident.

_God she looks exhausted. While you were unwinding in the Observation Deck hoping she would stop by she was paying peacekeeper to a 50k year old killing machine and his biggest fan._

"Shepard. I'm sorry I guess I can't joke with you the way Joker can."

"Kaidan..I.. "Her shoulders slump, she looks up at him about to say something but it interrupted by the rumble in her stomach. "Hey wanna grab a bite? I know this place upstairs. It doesn't have steak but sometimes it manages potatoes with something vaguely meat like." Abruptly changing the subject.

_Pushing you away again. Every time she gets close to letting you past the walls damnit._

"When you put it like that how can I say no? The beautiful Commander Shepard just asked me on a date to the mess." He gave his best goofball grin.

"Yea I guess I did." She contented herself with wrapping her arms around his left arm and leaning her head back against his shoulder. He reluctantly reactivated the lift.

"Man there better be some damn coffee."


	24. Chapter 24

24

"Honestly Shepard I don't know how you do it." Kaidan mushed around the small plate of food in front of him.

Like a champ Rupert had dished out food knowing Kaidan had already eaten and poured a massive cup of coffee for Shepard before even grabbing her tray. Shepard had her head down over the steaming cup as if just the smell would diffuse the caffeine into her bloodstream. Her tray was filled with a grey mush that was certainly not a meat like product that she had promised.

"Honestly? I have just fallen into the 36-hour day and even then it gets tight." She admitted her eyes peeking up through her bangs. She still hadn't done anything about her hair since leaving Earth. It had grown out and was at that point where it just long enough to get in the way but not long enough to be held back.

"36 hour? How does that even work? "

She shrugs, finally wrapping her long fingers around the cup and taking a swig before answering.

"Well the citadel is on a 20 hour day; Anderson is 30 LY's that way" She motions in a general direction. "Hackett is at Arcturus 47 LY's away that way" She makes another motion in the complete opposite direction "so I take the calls when they can make contact. While they are out there fighting seems to be the least I can do not to have them talk to an answering machine"

_No wonder she looked so damn tired all the time. _ He nods, brushing the fingers wrapped around her mug with the back of his.

"I am a Major now you know; Maybe I can take some of the field command calls so you can get some sleep. You look like you could use it."

"Yea maybe." Was her noncommittal reply

"What the hell are you eating anyway?" He gestures with a spoon to her bowl of grey-mush.

"Oatmeal."

"You're serious."

"What? I LIKE oatmeal."

He shakes his head amused. Shepard ran around for hours in 20 kilos of armor went toe to toe with a formerly extinct species and she was having oatmeal for dinner as if she was on R&R.

"Nothing. Thinking like a biotic. I would keel over if all I had to eat was THAT." He makes a face and gestures again to the congealing pool of food.

"Well there is the coffee."

"One of these days I'm gonna have to take you out to a real place. Wine, Candles, Honest to goodness from the cow's ass beef."

"Promises, promises." She says but she does not seem to object. "Besides most places like that don't let me take my gun."

"Maybe not on Earth. I'll have to ask around; maybe Allison Gunn would have some ideas."

Shepard's eyes went wide, and then a half scowl as her eyes flicked upward toward the bridge deck. The next thing Kaidan knew there was a "plop" and a damp stickly spot on his shirt.

"Did you really just fling oatmeal at me? What are you five?" He was more shocked then disguised. This day was just full of surprises. She shrugged, licked her thumb and index finger clean of the goop and stood.

"You want command responsibilities? Good go knock our pilot down a peg. I gotta hit the bay. " She pauses a second , turning to him."Thanks for everything today Kaidan." She reached out with her hand and ruffled his hair as she turned to leave.

Out of the corner of his eye Kaidan watches Shepard head toward the elevator. He always liked the way she moved but now the graceful fluid motion was replaced by a steel determination. He was just about to return to his meal as her movement catches his eye. Just as she is about to round the elevator, blocking his view. He could have sworn he saw her reach into her pocket pull something and palm it into her mouth before grimacing and taking another pull from the coffee.

A/N The 20 hour day on the Citadel is actually discussed in one of the books when Anderson is there. The 36-hour day is a nod to the circadian cycles which are natural but in places that don't have day/night cycles (like space stations and starships) can be modified over time. Just my take on them


	25. Chapter 25

"Major Alenko incoming vid from Admiral Anderson. The Commander has requested your presence."

"Urh? Oh alright EDI thanks." Gazing bleary eyed at the terminal across the room he saw Normandy clock read 0400.

_Well she DID warn you._

Despite all the ups and downs of the day Kaidan had fallen asleep in the Observation Deck going over mission reports sometime around midnight. Since being promoted in the Alliance and being made a Specter it seemed the vast majority of his work entailed getting "caught up to speed" on others peoples works.

Standing up and feeling every joint crack in protest.

_I am getting too old for this. _

Then he remembered who was on Vid Com. Anderson had at least twenty years on Kaidan all of it active duty and given the reports coming in from Earth Kaidan felt like a real jerk even complaining about having to do the paperwork aspect of the job. Anderson was spending every moment of every day fighting and here was the second human Specter griping about falling asleep in an uncomfortable position.

Straitening his blues as much as he was able, he heads to the elevator. The lights had been dimmed and was running at skeleton crew. The galaxy map and security were empty; the two marines that had been hoodwinked into joining the crew Campbell and Westermore had even retired from their position.

Shepard is waiting for him in the war room just outside the vid room. Cracking her neck side to side, rolling her shoulders. Kaidan thinks of earlier when he had seen her pop pills before heading back downstairs …to whatever she occupies herself with in the shuttle bay. He made a mental note to try to bring up that argument later as well.

_Don't think about that now! _He chides himself.

"Thanks for calling me." He says by way of greeting. She nods turning on her heels into the dark room.

"Don't know how long we can hold connection. Was afraid you would miss it." She walks to the monitor and activates it. The image is choppy at best. After a few seconds of loop and EDI working to clear it up the sound syncs. His former Captain, now the leader of the Earth resistance in blue rendition stands in front of them.

"David, are you safe?"

"As well as can be said for anyone. Shepard, Major" The image nods its head by way of greeting.

"We are on the move. Communication is spotty at best. We are relocating off the North American continent. Probably the second best decision I have ever made." He gives a wry smile.

"I have sent out the reports that we have Commander. The smaller cities seem to be our best holdouts. We have local contact with Atlanta, Chicago, Manitoba. There are reports of a large movement in Tijuana. We are using old technologies those seem to be working under the Reaper's radar for now. But if those go down we will need another alternative and fast."

"Understood. Let me know if I should start brushing up on my Morse Code."

The image wavers as Anderson chuckles, shaking his head.

"EDI has the info I passed on. I have downloaded your reports to boost moral here. Every little bit helps Shepard. I gotta get back to it. Anderson out."

The image fades as Shepard salutes. Doubtful that he would have seen it the Marine in her does it reflexively. Shepard is already getting fresh datapads for the new intel.

"Second best decision?" Stifling a yawn Kaidan is amazed at how efficient Shepard appears to be.

_Stims can do wonders in the short term._

Shepard rolls her eyes slightly, shaking her head, her eyes never leaving the orange pad in her hand.

"Shepard." Pushing gently

"I assume he is referring to recruiting me."

"Wait what? Anderson was your recruiter? Why did you never mention this?"

It all made sense. The anger she showed when Udina had first removed Anderson from the Normandy. Anderson helping them steal the Normandy back before the trip to Illos. His unflagging belief that she was a soldier first not a Cerberus puppet when even Kaidan had not been sure.

"Ancient history. It never seemed to matter, Do you remember your recruiters name at Brain Camp?"

"That's different and you know it. I was just a kid."

"So was I, that's why it didn't matter." She gives that noncommittal shrug again her eyes scanning the read out before making an "AHA" noise with a triumphant grin. She hands it over to Kaidan with a mischievous grin.

A list of relocated civilians alphabetical and locations. Anderson had said that Vancouver was being abandoned since it had been hit in the first waves. Smaller camps had been set up outside cities along the former Canadian border and further south. About to ask what was so important about these reports she had had Anderson send but then he SAW it. Alphabetical listing of names. Survivors.

Alenko. V.A relocation-Winnipeg

"My mom."

His voice croaked sounding funny in his ears. His arms felt too long holding the datapad as shock set in, an almost out of body feeling. He hadn't been able to get word from earth. She had gotten it.


	26. Chapter 26

Still numb Kaidan looks at Shepard. The woman who head-butted Krogan to prove her point looked almost shy about what she had done. Looking up at him over the mess of hair, crossing her right arm defensively grabbing her left elbow against her abdomen. He was aware how small she looked in her loose fitting hoodie and baggie blues. She was watching him, patiently waiting for him to internalize the bombshell of news.

_My mom. Safe._ That alone was amazing.

_Shepard managed to track her down. For you._

Her words from the hospital vid while he was still out came to his mind. She had found word on his mom right after the attack but he had told her what he knew when they had lost contact. When his father had been shipped out was the last anyone had heard. She had never said anything but she must have had someone keeping an eye out for his mother since then.

_You had confided in her but she never said anything until she was sure. She was doing this for you and never said a word._

Had she known Anderson would have the info this time? Is that why she had EDI call him into the meeting? It was a stretch but Shepard had gone with her gut and had it pay off before. He had no idea how she had managed it or if Anderson had been involved. To himself he thought that unlikely since the Admiral had more than enough on his plate and Shepard was not the type to pull her former CO into things without thinking it would pay off.

The shy posture remained, the arm clasped over her ribs defensively. But her eyes were alert, reading his expression intently. She had not said a word to him in the darkened room illumined only by the backlight of the vid comm displays. Her violet eyes seemed to reflect the scant light as she stood motionless.

_Giving you the way out you always want._

"Shepard Thank you." He swept her into his arms; it was neither amorous nor sensual just an expression of the pure relief flooding him. He lifted her off her feet in a strong bear hug that she was not precisely expecting. Her muscles tensed up reflexively before putting her arms on his back, unspoken consent. He put her down and leaded into her, resting his chin on the top of her messy hair, absorbing the moment as if he could burn it into memory.

Kaidan was not sure how long they stood there. Neither one speaking nor moving away. As the adrenaline left his body the fatigue of the day and the emotional rollercoasters set in. Every ache and headache pang seemed well worth it. Slowly he slides his arms loose around Shepard's waist to look down at her.

"Thank you. " He pulls one of her hands up and kisses the back of it, not breaking eye contact.

"For calling me down, for watching out for my mom even when I was a jerk. For being the most amazing woman I have ever met."

"Kaidan ..I.." She smiles but fidgets. It wasn't quite a blush but it would do.

"You must be exhausted. Have you slept at all?" Eden Prime, the Prothean incident, Meeting with the Asari Councilor and Liara, now this. 36 hour day was right. Boosters or not Shepard had to be running on fumes by this point.

"Here and there…I think" The last part is muttered as she looks away.

"Well there is still another two hours before the next shift starts. I'll tell EDI to hold messages for the next four or to send them my way. Let's get you upstairs."

Not meaning it as a come on but rather as a way of showing his concern Kaidan was surprised to see Shepard's eyes go wide for a second remembering something then pushing it away. In their brief time together between the Battle at the Citadel and before the destruction of the SR-1 he had never been one to push anything even so seemingly insignificant as being invited to her room.

"Yea, sure. But the place is a mess."

* * *

A/N as you can probably already tell if you are keeping up with this story my schedule has changes a bit. I still plan on updating almost daily bit I will not be able to upload until much later in the day. On the good side this probably will result in longer chapters for you :)

That being said you notice any glaring mistakes or things that just don't make sense please PLEASE let me know so I can fix them before I upload more . Thanks as always for reading and the wonderful encouragement. -Raven


	27. Chapter 27

27

When a Marine says a place is a mess that usually implies that the rack is not folded or that it would fail inspection. When a CO says that their work space is a mess it usually implies that work has spilled over into their other centers filling their bed with data pads and unread reports.

Shepard's room was all that and more. Kaidan had not really been sure what to think when Shepard seemed hesitant to invite him to her room. He was pretty sure she was taking stims but had yet to confront her about it. Hell given the past 6 month she had gone through she could be running on methamphetamines and cybernetics and he could hardly blame her.

The clutter he had seen …_God was that really only two days ago?_ the empty wine glasses and chess board had been replaced with datapads, two empty bottles of scotch and surprisingly only one bottle of stims was evident on her workstation. The most surprising of all were the large paper pads that were strewn across the table and black sticks next to them.

Curious he walks around the table to get a better look. Actual paper was a rarity in space but these pads could have been in her footlockers that were already on board when Alenko and Vega retook the Normandy. Her N7 armor had already been in the armory as was her weapons, proof on Anderson's intentions before the trial. These could have been anywhere throughout the ship like the models had been held in storage while the techs did their repairs.

Sitting down at the couch he picks one up to flip through. Some images he can make out. The overgrown ruins of Ilos, the beacon at Eden Prime but some where nonsensical images. One of what looked like geth machinery and flesh. Horrific images that didn't make much sense but still chilled him.

The realization hit him. He had been a fool. It was not the pills or liquor she had not wanted him to see. It was these things. She had doubted her own actions and was worried he would condemn her looks up from the pad and she is leaning against the wall that separates the table and living area from the work desk. Again she is silently watching him, indecision and doubt fills her face.

"What are these Shep? Some of these I can make out." He gestures back to Ilos. "But others…." He does not point to the more gruesome ones. Instead leaving the page open to the overgrown ruins.

"Art therapy." She grimaces. "Chambers suggested it. Might have been the best suggestion she had considering I am here and she is not." The bile is not hidden in her voice. The Cerberus head shrink had not been one of Shepard's favorites. More than once the Commander had referred to the Communications Officer as her invisible leash. Another set of eyes that had been spying on her while she had a mission to do.

"At first I used it to test my memories. Some of the images came easier than others. The more we learned about the Collectors the more I tried to make sense of the beacon, the cipher. All those Prothean images that didn't make felt like a race against time."

"Did it work?" Most of the images seemed to be battles, planets or technology that didn't look like anything Kaidan had ever seen before.

Again that noncommittal shrug "Sure beat having Liara go trouncing through my brain every time something seemed familiar. "

Finally as if walking in a dream Shepard comes over. Alenko flips through the pages of the pad, each one more graphic than the last. While they are certainly not fine art they are clearly depictions of scenes once you know what to look at. The wires snaking through buildings and into forms clearly Reaper tech.

The first sketches had been black and white but these later ones incorporated red and beige as well. They were disturbing, violent but it was clear the artist had been trying to show something. Whatever that was it seemed Shepard herself did not even know.

Having seen how the Prothean Javik had communicated by touch and Shepard had gained access to his memories it now made sense why the beacons they had discovered were always fragments that didn't make much sense. It would be like trying to make sense of the history of human conflict by looking at a snap shot image of one battle.

"That is why the Illusive Man had me brought back. "Her voice low but resolute. "He could have hired ten ships with all loyal agents for the price of our one to seize the Collector base. This: whatever it is." She motions to the images." Is what he couldn't replicate. That is why he couldn't afford to let anyone modify me beyond the necessary."

Her voice was so flat she might as well have been talking about a map or the weather. Not the idea that she had been completely in the control of and rebuilt by one of the most diabolic men in history. The idea that she was an afterthought to some technology she had burned into her brain. No wonder Garrus had said Shepard had believed there was a dormant kill switch somewhere inside of her.

"Shep don't do this to yourself. Trying to understand the Illusive Man's motives would be like trying to teach that Prothean about music. It doesn't matter what he wanted it, it doesn't matter why. You did what you had to do regardless of what he intended you to."

Not looking up from the sketches the right corner of Shepard's mouth quirks ever so slightly but her eyes remain bitter.

"Yea and the Alliance got a free ship and one hell of an AI and all it cost me was everything I was." She sighed, the sound conveying the grief, exhaustion and hopelessness that she refused to put into words.

"Hey hey. There are things that even the Alliance couldn't take away from you. I saw the reports even when they refused to reinstate you ,you kept sending intel. As much as everyone: me included thought you were a puppet to Cerberus you kept it up. You made two of his top agents defect directly. Who knows how many more now that word has gotten out that they are attacking colonies like Eden Prime.

The Alliance grounded you, threw you in solitary and you gave them provisions before turning yourself in. Ever the Commander watching out for her crew you surrendered so they would be allowed free. You think if it had been anyone else Joker would have been allowed anywhere near this ship? If you hadn't dictated the terms of your surrender before you even hit Earth space? Chakwas doing R&D for Hackett? Hell even me being promoted.

You even came out swinging the day Earth was attacked. Everyone else in that room save you and Anderson are dead. N7 training or not I saw that war zone you were unarmed and unarmored but you made it on foot. Don't sell yourself short Jane."

"Didn't you hear Javik? That beacon on Eden Prime, the archives on Mars they were warnings. I was supposed to be able to prevent this from even happening. Warn the Council, move them away from the Citadel who knows but I didn't. Maybe if I had been a biotic like the Prothean'ss or even a tech who could understand the memory shards better…." She trails off the hopelessness creeping into her voice.

Kaidan was sure this was the first time she even spoken these fears aloud. Regardless of how much she trusted Tali or Garrus on the field or even watching her back these were not the kinks in the armor she would let anyone see. Being on a Cerberus ship with an ever present AI she would have kept it hidden like the good soldier she was.

"Guess what? Regardless of how much hero worship Liara has even the Prothean's were harvested. Did they give us a head start between the signal at the Citadel and the beacons? Maybe but could one person have stopped all this? I would like to see Javik try. That memory shard he has contains the memories of all his people and he won't even look at it. You have been staring at it nonstop for 8 months!" He points at the image of a Prothean being repurposed by the Reapers. The figure reaching up to the sky in the final death throes that conveyed all that had been lost to the ages.


	28. Chapter 28

It was hours before Kaidan could sleep. He had managed to convince Shepard she was no good to anyone least of all herself drained as she was. She finally confided in him what he had already known from Joker. Not only was she pushing herself too hard because of the importance of their mission but the nightmares and insomnia had gotten worse since the Alpha Relay. Not judging, only showing his concern he managed to get her to take something to help her sleep. The opposite of what she had been doing to herself with the stims but he didn't say anything about that. She was already on edge and he knew that chiding her would only lead to an explosion that he was not ready to handle.

Bitterly she had informed him that while the "software" had been (mostly) left alone there were several enhancements to the "hardware". Her metabolism and liver had been toyed with during Project Lazarus and she did not expect the drugs to stay in her system long. One of the results Chakwas had stumbled across during the many tests Shepard had undergone when she had first been revived.

_Well that explains the two bottles of scotch and the stims at least._

As the drugs started to work Kaidan guided Shepard over to the bed. Trying to find clothes to change her into she muttered that this was just easier. Her words came out slow and sluggish as she pushed him away, preventing him from taking off her hoodie. Tucking her in like a child she mumbles in her half sleep. Among the whispers he hears one phrase distinctly. "Please Stay."

Removing his pants and climbing in next to her she is already back under. Wrapping his arms around her he hears a small cooing noise.

_Well THAT'S new._ _But you never had to drug her to get her into bed before either._ He had to remind himself.

Less than an hour had passed before the nightmares began in earnest. Even in his sleep he could feel Shepard's body tensing. Not fully aware yet he rouses himself to pin her arms down but her breathing was still slow and shallow, an effect of the drugs. He was positive that she would have issue breaking Kaidan like she had accidentally done to Joker but it was best to prevent it from ever being an issue.

She was shivering despite the heat of the room and their shared body heat. Shepard was not conscious of her movements, still in the throes of her own nightmares and drugs but Kaidan notices she is thrashing. Fighting her own private monsters all the while shivering and clawing at the back of her head.

_Where the crack in the helmet was._

That morbid memento she had recovered that sat on her desk a few meters away. Watching them like a grinning skull,a testament to the life she had lost.

_Space is cold and dark. So is Death. The Reapers are always cold and dark. _

The official reports had said she had died in the explosion. Her body never recovered but it was easier to deal with the grief believing that she had not suffered. Had not slowly died alone in space. But looking down at her thrashing in pain even in her sleep he knew that had not been the case.

* * *

A/N Sorry about the delay! I am in the process of a MAJOR rewrite to the tune of 2500 words! Too many ideas and not enough time I got too ahead of myself. As always thanks for input and appreciation!


	29. Chapter 29

Alenko woke feeling as if he had fallen down a mountain in full armor. The thrashing had started up again a few hours later but unlike the first time Shepard had not woken or seemed to even known he was there. He had just held her down whispering to her. This was more bearable than the vacant eyes from earlier.

_The terror you mean._

Once she seemed to have stilled again he hazarded a look at the clock alongside the bed. It had only been a few hours. It was just after 0900 and the drugs were supposed to knock someone Kaidan's size out for 12. Jane Shepard was markedly smaller and lighter then he but still her system had been fighting against them. If this was the reaction that both Joker and Garrus had experienced he had understood why they had said the drugs were no solution. How had she managed those months alone on Earth?

_Alone with her nightmares. Little wonder she clung to Anderson and Vega. You weren't even allowed to visit._

He did notice this time however that in her sleep her demeanor had seemed to relax slightly, finally giving in to exhaustion and falling into deep sleep. After the initial thrashing and attempts to get away, this time she seemed almost aware of his presence. Before he had used his body weight to pin her down to prevent injury to either one of them now she had wrapped her arm around his and nestled in him. Her shivering had stopped and she seemed almost at ease in his embrace. That was probably why his body was reacting.

_Not the best time_ He tries to calm himself.

Even worse than having to force Shepard to take drugs to sleep was trying to explain how her body against his had caused his reaction should she wake unexpectedly.

_This is what you wanted all these times when you missed her. Fantasized about her after she was gone._

But not like this. He had spoken to her on Mars and in typical Shepard fashion she had been upfront with him. She had even told him then she still cared about him but he had not been ready to hear it. For him what was a lifetime ago, when he lost her had only been a few months to Shepard.

The Collectors, the Alpha Relay even her incarceration had left little time for her to contact him after Horizon. He at least had the Alliance reports to keep up with the Normandy while he was training his recruits. She had been in a blackout until Hackett had called in his "personal favor."

She had been angry at him on Mars, he had seen the rage in her eyes but she had bit her tongue. The shock of Earth and leaving Anderson behind only compounding the hurt that Kaidan had not trusted her when she had needed someone. Only showing her true feelings in the hospital when she thought no one could see. The emotion finally getting the better of her while he was comatose and could not push her away.

After the Citadel attackand Udina they had talked but the war was already pushing her to her breaking point. She had wanted him on the Normandy, had said so from the moment he woke in the hospital but she had held back saying it was for HER sake not the mission she wanted him there.

At Apollo they had finally taken some time for themselves and he had seen how much she was still the same woman he had given his heart to. Strong,determined but still afraid of putting too much of herself out there. She had been spurned not only by him but by the Alliance but she didn't let that show how much it hurt her.

He knew better.

Shepard shifted in her sleep and made that small cooing noise again. She finished moving and her hip was rubbing directly against him. Her face half buried into his chest.

_Really? Like I'm going to be able to sleep NOW._

He looked over at her and was surprised to see she was actually smiling in her sleep. The worry line between her eyebrows had finally released and the fine lines and bruised color that had darkened around her eyes also seemed have faded as well.

_Her hair still smells like cut hay._

The nostalgia swept him up. In the days after the attack on the Citadel after she had gotten light duty from her injuries he had spent many nights with her. The smell of her had never gotten old, even hours after they got suited up he would smell sunshine and cut hay from her hair on his clothes.

With a gentle hand he runs the back of his finger along the side of her face. The strong angular cheekbones that on anyone else would look mannish but defined her face. The small nose that had just a few freckles on it from her time absorbing sun planet side. Her skin was lighter now, having lost the tan from a childhood spent on a farm. The image of her from Horizon springing to mind. The glowing orange against the pale skin. How he had wanted her to be a fake then but now so glad she wasn't.

He noticed the scar on the bridge of her nose that had extended under her right eye was gone. After her cybernetic scars closed he was sure more than a few of her hard earned battle scars had been replaced by new ones. From what he had seen in the past few hours he wondered how many of them were physical and how many of them had scarred her much deeper.

Resisting his body's insistence he tries to find a comfortable position. A few minutes of shifting uncomfortably against her warm body tells Kaidan as much as he was complaining about feeling to old earlier parts of him were still more than willing to act like a teenager in her presence.

_Ok this is ridiculous._

Disengaging himself from both Jane and the covers he regretfully leaves the bed. Before attempting sleep they had informed EDI to keep messages on silent or to contact Kaidan if there was an extreme emergency. Joker had not come on shift yet so there were no barbs or smart ass remarks only acknowledgement.

Not wanting to disturb Shepard he makes his way over to the table. Stumbling over a pile of clothes near the bed he makes a mental note with a smile.

_Not black and lacey but jewel green and definably not SI._

Sitting down at the table he grabs one of the half empty mugs. Taking a sip of the cold contents with a grimace he is not surprised to taste old coffee and scotch.

_She brought you brandy in the hospital. She drinks it with Karin when the doctor has. Will have to ask what kind of testing she put her liver through since she sounded so sure. We can pick up something much nicer next time we have a free few hours. _The thought of that made him smile.

Settling down he looks at the datapads scattered across the table and couch. He picks up one and begins to read. Somehow he was not surprised that none of them were password protected. Shepard was not a tech but more than once she had shown her trust in him by leaving him unattended with her personal correspondence.

_And you repaid it by bugging her mailbox._

Pushing that guilt away he begins to read.

Shepard,

Subject Re:Re:Re:Re:Re

I hope this message finds you well. I know you are very busy so taking the time to write your letters brings me happiness in dark times. I have been spending much time with the priests since returning home. Arranging my father's affairs was brief, given his profession I understand he made sure things were in place long ago. You were right that only now is his loss beginning to hit me. I am lucky to have my aunts and uncle who watched over me when my mother died to be support me now at well. I pray you too will find the strength in others during these most difficult times.

-Kolyat

That was the most recent ones but there were letter dating back since they had first left the Citadel. Kaidan thinks back to the first time he had felt jealous of the Drell who seemed to be on Shepard's mind often and now he understood more. In times of war and so much death it was important to keep those who matter to you as close as you could. He glanced over to the form in the bed. A pile of blanket and just the top of sandy red hair visible and his heart felt whole for the first time in a very long time.

Shepard,

Subject Re:Re:Re:Re:Re

I have enclosed the meditations you asked for translations from the memorial. I also took the liberty of enclosing some of the tales of Siha. As far as I can tell the closest your culture has to her would be a Valkyrie. It does seem fitting.

Kolyat

The majority of the messages had been quick replies that must have been written between missions. There were so many messages from people she had saved that just wanted to thank her personally. Or forwarded transmissions from planets that mentioned her by everyone's least favorite newscaster.

_If I have to try to say her name I will trip over my own tongue._

_Al-Jinna? Jinnani? Even she had been swayed by Shepard's war efforts._

The last message to have been queued up caught Kaidan's eye. It had been transmitted from Earth but was dated several weeks ago and never opened.

Subject: I remember you.

Commander I am not sure if this will get to you but I had to try. You helped me when I had first gotten free and made my way to the Citadel. You talked me into seeing doctors who helped me regain my words and myself. You also paid for those doctors. They told me when you had died that there was enough to help me for as long as I needed it.

I never got a chance to thank you before the war but I wanted to now. I want you to know that I remember you. I remember your family since there was not so many human families there yet with kids. I remember home as it was before the attacks. For a long time I could not get anything straight in my head but the doctors have helped me become me again.

The hospital is closing now because of the war. I have decided to go back to Minoir. I know it is much different than when we left but I would like to see it again before the war gets too bad. My doctors think it will be safe too because the population is so small. We were never a big colony anyway. Did you know the new settlement is named Shepardsport? You might not like it but I like to think it is named for your whole family. The family that saved the colony and now the galaxy.

I also wanted to show you what I remembered in case the worse should happen. The doctors told me my memories were confused but over the past few years they helped me make sense of them. They thought I was putting you into my memories because you had saved me at the Citadel but I remember now.

I remember James. At first I didn't know who he was but the purple eyes gave it away. My doctors thought I was trying to make sense of everything but I found the records on my own. He was in the schools army program so I guess he wanted to help. I guess being a hero runs in your blood.

He was the one who tried to save us when the first attacks came, I am not sure if you knew that. He was older so I didn't know him well but I wanted you to know that someone else remembers how he saved all those people that day.

Eternally Grateful,

Talitha Gavin –Mindor

Kaidan had been with Shepard when C-Sec had contacted her. He could not exactly remember if they were in a meeting with Udina or Pallin but she had just up and left. The girl was a mess when they got there- a pistol to her own temple. Shaved head, mostly starved but wanting to place Shepard who she seemed to be able to remember from a lifetime ago.

Jane had been very distant for days after that. At the time he did not know his new Commander well enough to push the issue but now looking back it made sense. The life that had been ripped away from her had been drug back into the present and she handled it the same way she had learned to handle every personal problem. Push it down and make your work primary.

The girl had been taken into care and Shepard had never mentioned it again. But apparently like Kaidan's mother she had done something about it. And the revelation that she had had a brother who had been killed made an odd kind of sense too. She had never wanted to talk about the attack even if most of it was public knowledge.

_James. A solider recruit. 16 years old about to leave and enlist in the Alliance and managed to get himself killed in the process of saving his little sister._

Suddenly the comment she had made about being twelve and too lucky at the time made more sense. He had lived with survivors' guilt over the Normandy for two years and it had almost ruined him. Shepard had lived with it for her whole life. The conversation in the battery with Garrus came to mind.

"I once asked Shepard how she could be such a good soldier. She told me it was because she had forgotten how to be anything else."

"Oh Shep" He whispers softly. "Why didn't you tell me?"

* * *

A/N Working on multiple different chapters at the same time. Decided to cut this one here and see what you guys think since I am my own worst critic. Let me know!-Raven


	30. Chapter 30

"What the hell are you doing?" Shepard's voice almost made him jump out of his skin.

He had been reading the logs and must have dozed off on the couch. He had wanted to crawl back into the bed but had restrained himself lest he wake her from the best rest she had probably gotten since leaving Earth. More than once she had cried out in her sleep or thrashed enough to convince him it was probably for the best at the moment if he didn't. They would have to talk about options later.

"Looks like catching forty. " Straightening his neck he was surprised to see it was 1100. He had slept later then he had thought and EDI had not messaged him.

"Yea but why there?" She seemed genuinely confused, pointing to the couch as if the events of last night hadn't sunk in.

"You were pretty adamant about it actually. Maybe you thought the idea of having me next to you would be too much for you to stand."

"And here I was hoping we had mutually wore each other out."

"If that were the case I would like to think you at least remember it in the morning." He feigned insult but he could tell just from her teasing that Shepard was doing much better. The residuals from the meds mostly gone from her system.

"Oh I remember some pretty dirty things, especially that weekend in Nos Asta." She bit her lip wickedly.

When Shepard had gotten out of the hospital before being assigned to take out the geth he had taken her to Illyum for the three days shore leave. For the entire time Kaidan hadn't seen more of the city then their suite and a small café in the lobby. Another memory he had pushed away when he had lost her that she remembered in perfect detail.

"Are you done being a crazy tease?" He puts down the datapad trying to look stern but he can't stop grinning.

"Me?! I tried to drag you back here after the Apollo but you were more interested in your beer and steak!"

His mouth clicked shut audibly. At the time he had just thought she was toying with him. Stammering he looked at her at a loss for words. The peal of her laughter made it worth it. Her hair was tangled and a mess but the laugh lines around her eyes crinkled her nose in that way he loved.

"So seriously Shepard. We have a lot to do before this is over. Let me help, you don't have to do it all alone. You always said we make a great team."

She lets out a huge yawn and stretches, her arms flung out to either side.

"That we do." She said thoughtfully. "Alright, hell you were always more by the book then me anyway. Between me, Anderson and Hackett I guess the chain of Command is getting pretty light. Yesterday Liara and I had a meeting with Tevos. Li is trying to co-ordinate escape from Thessia. Make a retreat to Illyum and regroup. You would be great at that. Training biotics like your students but with asari militia. They won't be commandos but it's better than hiding."

Kaidan thinks about it for a moment before nodding.

"Yea I could do that. You talked about this with them already? You did not just come up with this just now first thing in the morning."

"No during the meeting. They were both too torn up and I needed to talk to you about it first. Asari don't have a military like we do. One of the reasons Thessia didn't hold up like Earth." She frowns realizing how cold that sounded (but not inaccurate). "Besides I am pretty useless before my first liter of coffee in the morning."

With a nod Kaidan stands up and walks over to the desk grabbing two of the empty mugs. Getting water from the bathroom and the instant stuff he sets it to reheat on the small plugin she had next to her work station. Shepard watches him a bemused look on her face.

"Making yourself right at home I see." A smirk as he hands over the mug to her eagerly outstretched hands.

"You did ask me to stay last night Shep." He takes a seat next to her on the bed.

She bites her lip for a long moment not looking up from the mug. Her shoulders slump and she speaks into the hot liquid.

"Was it really bad? It was dumb of me. After Jeff I should have known better." Her voice was even and soft but Kaidan knew the turmoil behind it. He had seen it last night. She wanted him there but was afraid to ask. At heart she was more concerned about everyone else around her then her own damaged self.

"Shep I am still here." He puts one arm around her and the second hand he puts over her two hands wrapped around the mug.

His one palm almost encompassing both of hers. The hands that had stabbed the android that had almost ended his life. The small delicate hands that held a sniper rifle to a brute when the world was shaking around her. The hands that had pulled Joker out of a burning cockpit. The hands that had lain on his chest while he was unconscious as if they could transfer some of her will into making him whole again.

"When I said let me help that includes this. I'm here because I want to be,"

"Kay….Weren't you the one telling me duty and crew has to come first? Before Ilos before all this craziness?"

"Yea well that was before I lost you and most of the universe went to hell. Now…" He pauses choosing his words carefully. "A Drell assassin told me that there are things worth fighting for beyond ourselves." He takes her hand from the cup and brings it to his lips softly. "This is worth it to me. The chance to see you happy again. Even if it is just seconds at a time."

"I can't ask you to go through that again Kaidan. The chances that any of us will make it through this. Even getting back to Earth seems impossible until Cerberus is out of the way."

"Yea well the chances of us getting to the Mu Relay, the chances of you bringing your whole team back from the Collector ship, being brought back from the dead….Need I go on? Call it what you will Shep you make the impossible eventual. This time is no different you just need more help getting there."

"And you have the nerve to call me stubborn." She says by way of concede. Putting her head into that comfortable hollow of his shoulder she sips her coffee with a small smile on her lips that finally lights up her eyes.


	31. Chapter 31

Kaidan tried to ignore the wide eyed looks from the few crew members in the mess. He had offered to get himself and Shepard some breakfast (even though it would be 1200 before they actually got to eat it) while she cleaned up and made her rounds for the day. Few people were allowed to eat at their posts and Kaidan bringing up breakfast to a notoriously early rising Commander was sure to draw attention.

It never ceased to amaze Kaidan how once she gave her word how steadfast Shepard could be. Once she had told him about Thessia and he had expressed wanting to help she had jumped into motion. She would look over the battle reports and talk with Liara but it did not look like it would be difficult to arrange extra support. The Asari were still reeling from the attack and any aid would be welcome.

She had said there was a stop she had to make before they ate and she would meet him back upstairs. He had wanted to question but something in her expression made him realize small steps here were much better than none and had gone about getting them food.

* * *

Given the events of the past few days it was easy to feel the tension in the crew. Shepard had been so swallowed up by her own guilt and failure she had almost forgotten what had mattered most. Having Kaidan point out to her how much he actually knew told her there could only be one source.

Before the attack on Earth Shepard would always stop on the bridge after each mission, a habit that had carried over to the SR-2 but had fallen off since Shepard's attempted court marshaling and reinstatement. One of a hundred tiny habits that had made Jane feel human that she had lost and now needed to rectify.

Without even turning around Joker begins to speak. Years of working together he knew her approach and his shield of sarcastic humor was in rare form.

"So Thessia, huh? Guess the Asari are wishing they had fewer dancers and more commandos right about now."

The words had barely left his mouth as he gives a quick check over his shoulder. Even EDI looked surprised at his bluntness, glancing between the pilot and the Commander.

"Too soon?"

Surprised by his harshness Shepard knew there was something he was trying to deflect with his grim joke. Hell she was the master of that, one of the reasons she had Jeff had hit it off so well from the beginning. Her tone harsher then she meant it Shepard informs him how many lives were lost planetside. Lives that were on her hands but she did not tell him that.

Without so much as turning to look at her Joker pulls up an aerial of a small human settlement. The image could be one of a thousand small colonies. For all she knew it could have been Mindoir.

"You see this? Tiptree. My dad lives there, so does my sister. Reapers rolled in about two weeks ago. So you can assume that I'm generally aware there's a war on Commander."

"Then why the jokes? Even for you that is dark."

"Cuz EDI says you are under more pressure now then during the Blitz, than back on Elysim where 10,000 Batarians were gunning for you. AND the last time I had a briefing with Anderson, he told me to take care of YOU."

He pauses to let that sink in.

"The guy leading the resistance –on Earth is worried about you and somehow I am supposed to help!"

The cracks in her armor had been showing and everyone knew it. The problem had been no one had known what to do about it. The last time Jeff had tried to help she had repaid him with a trip to the medbay and weeks of physical therapy even after the Cerberus upgrades.

Trying to convince him what they both knew to be bullshit was her duty.

"I appreciate it but really. I'm FINE."

"Like hell. And it's my fault. You died coming back to save me when the Collectors hit and now I'm supposed to watch you fall deeper and somehow help."

Quirking an eyebrow at him she gathers her words carefully.

"And how many broken bones have you taken trying to help me Jeff?"

"Bringing up my Vrolik's is hardly the way to win back my favor Shepard."

"No, it speaks of your character. I can't name any damn pilots that have answered the call of duty the way you have. Both for ship and crew. My count is 3, 4 if you count the clavicle from rifle recoil at the Collector's Base. "

"Well my CO has this crazy knack for getting her ass in too deep and needing to be pulled out sometimes." In spite of himself a small smile appears under the brim of his hat. Like always when the situation gets too serious the humor and ballcap hide his reactions.

"On your feet soldier." A command she has never given Joker since taking the Normandy from Anderson.

"What? Shepard I …."

"EDI has the helm. On your feet!" Her best DI voice without needing to yell in the small room. She had been getting a lot of use out of it since taking Vega on in his pre N7 training. But Moreau was a soldier and he knew to obey a command. Even the ones he really didn't like let alone understand.

Struggling to his feet, conscientious of Shepard's gaze on him he attempts to stand at attention. With one fluid motion she wraps her arms around his torso and hugs him tight but not too much to hurt him. For once they are almost on eye level. Standing even with his bowed legs Joker is slightly taller than Shepard but that was the point, he had nowhere to hide behind. Cap and sarcasm kept at bay by Shepard's intent gaze.

"Thank you Jeff. Thank you for everything. For believing in me when no one else did. For knowing me when I didn't even, back with Cerberus. For not letting me fall too far down the fucking rabbits hole in this mess. Hell for making sure I was still human even when it cost you."

She shifts, putting her forearms underneath his arms, taking his weight off his legs but keeping her gaze locked on his.

"Have Liara look into your family. We have one hell of a shuttle pilot and Vega has been itching for a fight. I'm sure EDI would be willing to go if we find anything, anything at all."

"Thanks Shepard."

* * *

A/N: I love this scene in ME3. As usual I took some liberties but I think this has a better feel then "We have work to do."


	32. Chapter 32

Kaidan had been waiting in the Captain's quarters for a quarter turn. He was congratulating himself on managing both not to have set anything on fire with his recent foray into the Mess Kitchen and having had the foresight to have grabbed tray covers and reheat packs for the food.

He should have known Shepard would have taken her sweet ass time about talking to the crew. Try as he might, he really couldn't bring himself to be too annoyed at her insistence to visit her crew. The past few days she had been like a walking corpse and it would do moral a huge boost to see Commander back as she should be. He felt overly proud for having played a part in that.

_Is that what it must have been like when she came back after Lazarus? _

Finally giving in to the grumbling of his stomach Kaidan tries to content himself on coffee and toast while he waits for her to make her way back up to him. The idea makes him pause, a wad of bread in his mouth half chewed.

_You mean her room._

The idea that she was going through the motions with the crew only to spend more time with him was utterly ridiculous. But that didn't make the simple idea of sharing breakfast together before going over the newest terrors of the war any less significant to him. She had said she would include him in the war efforts and that was one thing. But something in her demeanor had made a marked change which he could only take as a good sign.

A strange motion catches the corner of his eye. Something in the fish tank that darted back out of sight when he turned his head. Curiosity peaked he walks over to the large tank. It was odd to see so many fish inside an Alliance ship. Shepard had collected a fair number of the things in her rogue Specter days. Jellyfish and skates swam between the two panels. But what had darted out? Taking a closer look at the fish he can name just the koi native to Earth and the terrestrial equivalents to the others. Peering in closer to look at the school of sunfish a sudden maw pops out from the rocks and hits the glass barrier with a wet thunk.

An eel the size of Kaidan's forearm slinks back into its den in the rocks. In his prior visits he could not recall seeing the thing but based on its habits it is possible it had been there all along. Hiding beneath the rocks, just out of sight.

"EDI? Can you identify the eel in this tank please."

"That is a Khar'shan Snapping Eel Major. "

Khar'shan, the batarian home world. Leave it to Shepard. Mindoir, the Blitz, the Alpha Relay and she put a damn predator fish from their home world in with her guppies. But somehow they had survived all this time. The gesture seems oddly symbolic but Kaidan can't decide if it is a motion to save a now probably endangered species or a constant reminder of how she had suffered at the hand of that race.

Still puzzling out the stupid fish, his omni starts to beep. A local transmission meant it was from someone on board. Opening the keyboard to reply he is not surprised to see it was from Joker. The pilot would have been one of Shepard's first stops and the chance to needle Kaidan would never go unchecked.

Just letting you know I am putting in a commendation for your man parts.-Joker

_The hell…?_

What are you talking about?

Shepard just left. I don't know what you did but she is back in this thing. On second thought I know WHAT you did just would rather leave the "you" part of it out. Much less disgusting that way.

Nothing like that. But glad we got priorities straight with or without you thinking about my junk.

Yea, yea "priorities" so black and lacey eh?

You're an ass. And no, not black.

With that he closed the display board. A smile crossed his lips when he glanced over to the pile of clothes Shepard had partially kicked under the bed this morning. A true Marine she refused to leave the room without making her bed but peeking just out from under the bedspread was her rumpled civvies and the green undergarments she had threatened to how had she put it so eloquently to Joker?

_"Just for that Joker I am gonna rub my ass on all the handrails!"_

Typical Shepard classy as hell when she wasn't busy saving the whole damn galaxy. The whole damn thing was nuts but somehow none of it really surprised him. From Shepard to Joker the crew just kinda meshed in a way unlike any other assignment he had been on.

Another beep from his omni and Kaidan was expecting it to be another quip from Joker but was pleasantly surprised to see it was from Tali. He could almost hear the excitement in the message.

I found them! Tali

The what brought a smile to his face. It had only taken a few days but securing and installing would probably take more.

You're the best. Where is she?

Just finished with Adams. Headed your way lover boy.

The idea of Tali calling him lover boy when she and Garrus had been playing find the" seam leak"since before the ship had left port struck Kaidan as more than a little funny. It also meant that she was no longer_ as_ pissed off at him. The old adage held true a happy Captain makes a happy crew.

Reheating another set of mugs he hears the elevator doors open outside and her door disengage. Shepard comes in balancing a tray with mugs of coffee and two bowls. Barely managing to enter the room without spilling she looks at the two covered trays at the table with a questioning eyebrow.

Kaidan walks down the stairs to the small table. Putting the mugs he had just made down and taking the tray from her, she is still looking to the trays he had brought up questioningly. Motioning for her to take a seat he removes the tray covers to reveal eggs and bacon. Reconstituted of course but at least Kaidan thought it looked light years better than the oatmeal Shepard had brought up with her.

"Well that kicks the crap out of my working breakfast." Her eyes already fixed on the plate. Handing her a mug and sitting beside the second tray.

"Well I knew you would be a while so I made use of the time."

"Oh my god, Kaidan this is amazing. Thank you." Bits of egg threaten to fall from her mouth as she attempts to eat all the food while simultaneously showing her gratitude. No one had ever said table manners were Commander Shepard's forte.

"It is just standard mess hall food. You would know if you ever made it down during hours." Chuckling, he dabs at the corner of her mouth where an egg curd had taken up residence.

"Cluck, cluck, cluck mother hen. You sound like Traynor." She takes another bite of her food, savoring it as if it was the most delicious meal she had had in months. For all he knew it was.

"No, it's better. It's hot and real-ish. From the powdered chicken and everything."

They fall into a comfortable silence while they eat. The calm is interrupted by the sound of several messages hitting Shepard's terminal indicating they had just passed a comm buoy. With a cynical chuckle and an eye roll Shepard reaches over to her desk and grabs a fresh set of data pads in her left hand, toast still grasped in her right.

"Oh here before I forget." Around a mouthful of toast she begins typing one handed before sliding the pad to Kaidan.

"What's this?" The icon of the Systems Alliance on the screen before fading to reports.

"Personal files. I figured the XO should have them. Got to be honest I haven't even looked at them, for all I know they are all outdated. Hell as is we are only running on half crew without counting in dignitaries, mercenaries or stranded Marines." Referring of course to the two female Marines who had gotten stuck on the Normandy when the ship had left Earth.

"Hey you're not on here." Kaidan says with a smile.

"Neither is Joker. Remember we were "pending trial" when the Reapers hit. I doubt there is a bunker somewhere under the cities with a secretary diligently updating our records as we speak."

While the mental image was amusing it was clear that her thoughts had gone back to the day that Earth was attacked. Now knowing her connection to Anderson a little better he could empathize why leaving had been more difficult than he had seen at the time.

"Shepard don't think about it like that. Anderson was giving you the ship back. Before the meeting he told me so. Why else would your armor and equipment have already been here? You think anyone other than you would have been able to fit that stuff? "He hooks a finger at the locker.

"Think about how scary the coincidences were Kay." Leaning back on the couch she rattles off details on her fingers.

"Joker just so HAPPENED to be aboard while I was being sent with Anderson." First finger

"You getting done with the admin and leaving with Vega just moments before the attack so you managed to get to the Normandy in time." Second finger

"Traynor and Cortez aboard already familiar with the new systems and on board." Third

"The three of you convincing Campbell and Westmoreland to sit down and shutup while you effectively stole an Alliance prototype vessel." Fourth

"Sounds almost as crazy as you and Anderson making it to ground level and to the Normandy with two pistols and 6 clips between the two while an army of things ran you down." Kaidan retorts with a smile.

Shepard gives a shrug.

"Meh. It was like being back at the Villa again. But I was just thinking what would have happened if even one of those things hadn't worked out right."

"No you are trying to process Thessia. I know you Shep, you are trying to find your mistake. You are dwelling so you don't make the same mistakes again. Let me be clear in this. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this. Asari high command refused to help Earth remember? They wanted to shore up their defenses while the Reapers tore us and the Turrians to pieces. Stop beating yourself up over it."

"Guess I am that predictable huh? Still not gonna make this any easier."

"Oh? Where we headed?" Shepard had left her message console blinking since the last buoy.

"The Citadel. Damn I hate playing politician."

* * *

A/N Forgot to add "the villa" is another name for the n school of the Marines. It is the private training facilities in Rio de Janerio where the first 6 training events occur. My version of Shepard had never been to earth prior to starting her N training. May or may not come up later ;)


	33. Chapter 33

Kaidan's omnitool came to life. They had just started their accent to the Mass Relay in the Widow System. As far as he knew Shepard hadn't left the War Room since this morning but now she was calling him up before they arrived as promised.

As EDI had informed him earlier, Shepard was still pacing when he got there. Cup of coffee in one hand, data read out in the other. Step step turn. Step step turn -around the table where Dignitaries from 4 Council races had met what felt like a life time ago. The image of a caged predator.

Hearing the Privates greet him she pivots, smile lighting up her features.

"Kay, I meant to call you earlier. I just got so wrapped up."

"It's fine. What do we have set up?" Keeping in mind his own little adventures to plan.

"It's …tight" she gives a sigh. "I had to call in a few favors. Some of which I never thought I would have to." She looks away as if remembering something unpleasant. Making an effort to push the memory away she gets back to the briefing.

"Something has been bothering me this whole time about Thessia. Well a LOT has been bothering me about Thessia but something was nagging me about the invasion like I was missing something obvious."

"Going with your gut again Shepard?"

"I guess. Well think about it this way. Who were the first targets the Reapers hit."

"Earth and Palaven. Makes sense the two largest fleets in the galaxy."

"Well the Quarrians but yea the largest militaries anyway. They hit the Batarrians only because they were on the way to the Relays. They beelined Earth and hit the Turrians next."

"They are still giving them hell but the Reapers moved on. Either with agents within other governments or with full attacks. The Krogan demilitarized zone, Hanar, Volus, Elcor all hit before Thessia. They went after Illium but not the home world. When they finally did they didn't send foot troops or mobs like on Earth they sent ground Reapers. More than double what we saw on other planets. Even with the Asari military being less than half our size. "

"Yea I guess that is true. What do you think?" It was clear she had been puzzling this out for a while but had not said anything until she was positive.

_ Leaving herself a way out. I wonder where she learned that from._

"When we were in the Collector base there were the swarms. You remember them on Horizon. They were EVERYWHERE in the ship. Mordin had researched them and how to shield us from them for a short time but there were thousands. We got through it with biotics. Jack made a barrier that held them off" She gave Kaidan a pointed look.

"On Horizon. How did you?" She paused unsure how to phrase the question.

"I was in the communications and defense towers after the initial attack." He said honestly. One of his biggest failures to date was not saving those colonists. And how he had reacted to Shepard on top of that heavy loss still cut deep.

"Yea but before? When the bugs were freezing people?" She pressed.

"I don't know I probably used biotics on top of my rifle." He conceded.

"When did you start using barrier?" She said with a look. He tried to think but he honestly could not remember. Activating his biotic armor had almost become second nature to him so while he was trying to defend the civilians it was possible he had it.

"The Collectors are not the Reapers thought."

"Yea but the Collector were the Protheans which we know had biotics. They guided the Asari who all have biotics. The Collectors no longer exist."

"You think the Reapers are afraid of biotics? It's one hell of a stretch."

"Not afraid, just unsure. They are synthetics , we are the chaos in the universe- biotics are an extra unknown variable added to the mix."

"Do you have Mordin's data? The research on the swarms?"

She grimaced. "No that is the favors I have been calling in. Daniel a human I saved took over the clinic on Omega after Mordin left, Maelon the one who started the genophage cure was an old student of his. Even a nephew Mordin contacted while we were preparing. I am looking, I just hope it's fast enough."

"Well it's more than we had a few hours ago. What do you need me to do about it?"

"I need you to create a basic training that turns dancers and waitresses into Commandos and Soldiers."

"Oh is that all? Might as well wrap this whole war up then."

"Hey now Major I can't be the only one doing the impossible if we are going to win this. Besides I called in some help there too."

"Since it seems you can't go planetside without running into someone you know. I guess I will take that as a good thing."

"Yea this war certainly has a way of pulling them out of the woodwork. I mean YOU'RE here."

She had meant it as a joke but even now the words still stung. Impossible as she was to read he knew Shepard was still hurting. One good day and a few raunchy jokes would not fix that. He had seen it when she lashed out in her dreams at enemies that were just beyond reach. But she had let him in just a little. Kaidan prayed it would be enough.

"Something tells me I'm right where I need to be."

She quirks her head to the side, as if pondering over what he just said. Finally she replies.

"Yeah. Having you with me always did just feel right."

"Commander incoming short wave burst to your account logged private". EDI's voice chimes over the loudspeaker. For a brief moment Shepard ponders this, trying to recall who she had been in contact with in the past several hours. Too many to narrow it down she glances over to Kaidan before giving a small shrug.

"Play it EDI."

Thinking back to the earlier communications he had seen in her account Kaidan briefly wonders just how many people where actually in a position to repay favors owed to the Hero of the Blitz in the middle of a war.

But Shepard was clever; he doubted she would ask for things they were not able to perform. At least she would make them THINK they were able to perform it. His supposed new Asari training was proof of that. Train hundred year old aliens to fight and think like biotic soldiers. But when she phrased it she made it sound like it was a routine training drill like he had done with his students back on Earth.

Shepard's omni came to life. There was no video just a brief audio message. A female voice that sounded oddly familiar but he couldn't quite place.

"You really do have the shittyst timing PJ. However I think we can arrange something mutually beneficial. You know where to find me." It ended.

"PJ?"

Shepard's features darkened. "Old nickname. From another life." The walls were back up in full force. Whatever had been bartered for this favor was not one Shepard had wanted to call in.

But that voice. He had heard it before somewhere. Slick and arrogant even over a recording. Then it came to him. The Pirate Queen herself, the once ruler of Omega.

Aria T'loak.

_Who is now currently sitting in the Citadel. Where you are docking in the next hour or so. Who apparently had a history with Shepard that she clearly did not like to bring up. _

"You know one of these days you are going to tell me your stories."

"Yea let's see if we get there first." Her voice had an edge to it that warned Kaidan he was on dangerous ground.

_What is the difference between being a private person and being secretive? Answer: How dangerous the secrets are._

"Don't give me that crap Shep. You took the call with me here. You knew it could have been something you didn't want me to hear." He pointed out.

For just a second he saw the temper flash in her eyes. That rage Garrus had warned him about.

"You are right. Something's just should stay in the past. Damn this war."

"Shepard you can't just leave it at that .What is this about? Give me something to go on before we walk into a viper's den." He grabs her elbow as she goes to turn away. A reflective action but one that has immediate repercussions.

That did it.

No sooner had he touched her elbow then she had yanked it away. Faster than he would have thought possible she spun on her heels and backed away. That held temper now flashing, her features hard.

"Cut the crap Kaidan. How much do you really think you know about me?Whats my favorite color? What's my middle name?You think sweet talking and puppy eyes are going to make me into something I'm not? You wanted the Commander Shepard, the Hero of the Blitz, whatever other bullshit title they tacked on after I managed to get blown to hell. Now you are uncomfortable that there might be more to it than that?"

There it was. This had been brewing since he had rejoined. Garrus had warned him, Tali had tried to help, hell even Joker in his own way. Just because he knew it was inevitable didn't make it any easier to be the one at the end of the verbal lashing.

"Not it Shepard. You. I have learned more about YOU in the last three weeks then I did the entire time we served together on the SR-1. Yes I know there is more to you then your record. I wouldn't care so much if I didn't. "

He was trying to be reasonable. Trying to be fair but all his training had taught him when someone attacks you you hit back. He understood her desire for privacy. Not telling him about her history with Anderson at the time really hadn't mattered. But if she was making backroom deals with the Pirate Queen while she was working for the Alliance he wanted to know ahead of time.

"Because you caring and your duty don't interfere at the moment. What does it matter how I know Aria as long as she still has connections we can use? It might surprise you but I am about 99% sure what she is going to want anyway. It is just a matter of negotiating with her."

"What did you say about playing politics?"

"I hate it. Doesn't mean I can't do it. Ask the Quarrians and the Geth. Ask the Turrians and the Krogan." She spat back. "This war is making everyone do things they wouldn't otherwise. If you can't handle that _Major_ Alenko I suggest you stay with your head down, in the Observation Deck."

Damn it all, she was right. Kaidan had been hiding in reports since he had gotten on the ship. Reading reports of 10k dead was easier than watching a unit get wiped out even if the numbers were worse. This is what Shepard had been dealing with since the Alpha Relay and his mistrust was not helping anything.

But her reaction was what had set them down this path. Her anger outbursts and her physical reaction to his touch. He remembered the bruises on Vega's chest and supposed he should consider himself fortunate that she had still held back even somewhat.

"Jane." He sighs dejectedly. "I trust you. But one of these days I want you to tell me your story all the way through."

She nods slowly, still angry but not frothing as she had been. "Yea sure let's get there first."

* * *

A/N The backstory that keeps being alluded to is tentatively titled "Behind Violet Eyes." And I plan on writing that one as writers block slows this one. Any suggestions for characters or scenes in that story will be taken into consideration since I would like to flesh it out a bit more.


	34. Chapter 34

Kaidan's omnitool came to life. They had just started their accent to the Mass Relay in the Widow System. As far as he knew Shepard hadn't left the War Room since this morning but now she was calling him up before they arrived as promised.

As EDI had informed him earlier, Shepard was still pacing when he got there. Cup of coffee in one hand, data read out in the other. Step step turn. Step step turn -around the table where Dignitaries from 4 Council races had met what felt like a life time ago. The image of a caged predator.

Hearing the Privates greet him she pivots, smile lighting up her features.

"Kay, I meant to call you earlier. I just got so wrapped up."

"It's fine. What do we have set up?" Keeping in mind his own little adventures to plan.

"It's …tight" she gives a sigh. "I had to call in a few favors. Some of which I never thought I would have to." She looks away as if remembering something unpleasant. Making an effort to push the memory away she gets back to the briefing.

"Something has been bothering me this whole time about Thessia. Well a LOT has been bothering me about Thessia but something was nagging me about the invasion like I was missing something obvious."

"Going with your gut again Shepard?"

"I guess. Well think about it this way. Who were the first targets the Reapers hit."

"Earth and Palaven. Makes sense the two largest fleets in the galaxy."

"Well the Quarrians but yea the largest militaries anyway. They hit the Batarrians only because they were on the way to the Relays. They beelined Earth and hit the Turrians next."

"They are still giving them hell but the Reapers moved on. Either with agents within other governments or with full attacks. The Krogan demilitarized zone, Hanar, Volus, Elcor all hit before Thessia. They went after Illium but not the home world. When they finally did they didn't send foot troops or mobs like on Earth they sent ground Reapers. More than double what we saw on other planets. Even with the Asari military being less than half our size. "

"Yea I guess that is true. What do you think?" It was clear she had been puzzling this out for a while but had not said anything until she was positive.

_ Leaving herself a way out. I wonder where she learned that from._

"When we were in the Collector base there were the swarms. You remember them on Horizon. They were EVERYWHERE in the ship. Mordin had researched them and how to shield us from them for a short time but there were thousands. We got through it with biotics. Jack made a barrier that held them off" She gave Kaidan a pointed look.

"On Horizon. How did you?" She paused unsure how to phrase the question.

"I was in the communications and defense towers after the initial attack." He said honestly. One of his biggest failures to date was not saving those colonists. And how he had reacted to Shepard on top of that heavy loss still cut deep.

"Yea but before? When the bugs were freezing people?" She pressed.

"I don't know I probably used biotics on top of my rifle." He conceded.

"When did you start using barrier?" She said with a look. He tried to think but he honestly could not remember. Activating his biotic armor had almost become second nature to him so while he was trying to defend the civilians it was possible he had it.

"The Collectors are not the Reapers thought."

"Yea but the Collector were the Protheans which we know had biotics. They guided the Asari who all have biotics. The Collectors no longer exist."

"You think the Reapers are afraid of biotics? It's one hell of a stretch."

"Not afraid, just unsure. They are synthetics , we are the chaos in the universe- biotics are an extra unknown variable added to the mix."

"Do you have Mordin's data? The research on the swarms?"

She grimaced. "No that is the favors I have been calling in. Daniel a human I saved took over the clinic on Omega after Mordin left, Maelon the one who started the genophage cure was an old student of his. Even a nephew Mordin contacted while we were preparing. I am looking, I just hope it's fast enough."

"Well it's more than we had a few hours ago. What do you need me to do about it?"

"I need you to create a basic training that turns dancers and waitresses into Commandos and Soldiers."

"Oh is that all? Might as well wrap this whole war up then."

"Hey now Major I can't be the only one doing the impossible if we are going to win this. Besides I called in some help there too."

"Since it seems you can't go planetside without running into someone you know. I guess I will take that as a good thing."

"Yea this war certainly has a way of pulling them out of the woodwork. I mean YOU'RE here."

She had meant it as a joke but even now the words still stung. Impossible as she was to read he knew Shepard was still hurting. One good day and a few raunchy jokes would not fix that. He had seen it when she lashed out in her dreams at enemies that were just beyond reach. But she had let him in just a little. Kaidan prayed it would be enough.

"Something tells me I'm right where I need to be."

She quirks her head to the side, as if pondering over what he just said. Finally she replies.

"Yeah. Having you with me always did just feel right."

"Commander incoming short wave burst to your account logged private". EDI's voice chimes over the loudspeaker. For a brief moment Shepard ponders this, trying to recall who she had been in contact with in the past several hours. Too many to narrow it down she glances over to Kaidan before giving a small shrug.

"Play it EDI."

Thinking back to the earlier communications he had seen in her account Kaidan briefly wonders just how many people where actually in a position to repay favors owed to the Hero of the Blitz in the middle of a war.

But Shepard was clever; he doubted she would ask for things they were not able to perform. At least she would make them THINK they were able to perform it. His supposed new Asari training was proof of that. Train hundred year old aliens to fight and think like biotic soldiers. But when she phrased it she made it sound like it was a routine training drill like he had done with his students back on Earth.

Shepard's omni came to life. There was no video just a brief audio message. A female voice that sounded oddly familiar but he couldn't quite place.

"You really do have the shittyst timing PJ. However I think we can arrange something mutually beneficial. You know where to find me." It ended.

"PJ?"

Shepard's features darkened. "Old nickname. From another life." The walls were back up in full force. Whatever had been bartered for this favor was not one Shepard had wanted to call in.

But that voice. He had heard it before somewhere. Slick and arrogant even over a recording. Then it came to him. The Pirate Queen herself, the once ruler of Omega.

Aria T'loak.

_Who is now currently sitting in the Citadel. Where you are docking in the next hour or so. Who apparently had a history with Shepard that she clearly did not like to bring up. _

"You know one of these days you are going to tell me your stories."

"Yea let's see if we get there first." Her voice had an edge to it that warned Kaidan he was on dangerous ground.

_What is the difference between being a private person and being secretive? Answer: How dangerous the secrets are._

"Don't give me that crap Shep. You took the call with me here. You knew it could have been something you didn't want me to hear." He pointed out.

For just a second he saw the temper flash in her eyes. That rage Garrus had warned him about.

"You are right. Something's just should stay in the past. Damn this war."

"Shepard you can't just leave it at that .What is this about? Give me something to go on before we walk into a viper's den." He grabs her elbow as she goes to turn away. A reflective action but one that has immediate repercussions.

That did it.

No sooner had he touched her elbow then she had yanked it away. Faster than he would have thought possible she spun on her heels and backed away. That held temper now flashing, her features hard.

"Cut the crap Kaidan. How much do you really think you know about me? Whats my favorite color? What's my middle name? You think sweet talking and puppy eyes are going to make me into something I'm not? You wanted the Commander Shepard, the Hero of the Blitz, whatever other bullshit title they tacked on after I managed to get blown to hell. Now you are uncomfortable that there might be more to it than that?"

There it was. This had been brewing since he had rejoined. Garrus had warned him, Tali had tried to help, hell even Joker in his own way. Just because he knew it was inevitable didn't make it any easier to be the one at the end of the verbal lashing.

"Not it Shepard. You. I have learned more about YOU in the last three weeks then I did the entire time we served together on the SR-1. Yes I know there is more to you then your record. I wouldn't care so much if I didn't. "

He was trying to be reasonable. Trying to be fair but all his training had taught him when someone attacks you you hit back. He understood her desire for privacy. Not telling him about her history with Anderson at the time really hadn't mattered. But if she was making backroom deals with the Pirate Queen while she was working for the Alliance he wanted to know ahead of time.

"Because you caring and your duty don't interfere at the moment. What does it matter how I know Aria as long as she still has connections we can use? It might surprise you but I am about 99% sure what she is going to want anyway. It is just a matter of negotiating with her."

"What did you say about playing politics?"

"I hate it. Doesn't mean I can't do it. Ask the Quarrians and the Geth. Ask the Turrians and the Krogan." She spat back. "This war is making everyone do things they wouldn't otherwise. If you can't handle that _Major_ Alenko I suggest you stay with your head down, in the Observation Deck."

Damn it all, she was right. Kaidan had been hiding in reports since he had gotten on the ship. Reading reports of 10k dead was easier than watching a unit get wiped out even if the numbers were worse. This is what Shepard had been dealing with since the Alpha Relay and his mistrust was not helping anything.

But her reaction was what had set them down this path. Her anger outbursts and her physical reaction to his touch. He remembered the bruises on Vega's chest and supposed he should consider himself fortunate that she had still held back even somewhat.

"Jane." He sighs dejectedly. "I trust you. But one of these days I want you to tell me your story all the way through."

She nods slowly, still angry but not frothing as she had been. "Yea sure let's get there first."

* * *

A/N The backstory that keeps being alluded to is tentatively titled "Behind Violet Eyes." And I plan on writing that one as writers block slows this one. Any suggestions for characters or scenes in that story will be taken into consideration since I would like to flesh it out a bit more.


	35. Chapter 35

The rest of the briefing went well enough even if Shepard was clearly a little distant. EDI informs them that they are in a holding pattern since there are so many refugee ships looking for a safe port. Shepard frowns and tells the AI if they haven't gotten clearance in another 15 she will get on the horn with Alliance. It is clear to Alenko that she does not relish the idea of bullying refugees out of the dock.

Even with the attack by Cerberus more and more people were fleeing to the Citadel, one of the last supposed safe refuges. Just going down to the wards it is clear that these people had no alternatives. That was why Guarrus and Shepard had stepped in, arranging food and medical supplies, organizing and bringing news whenever they were in port.

That was why Tali had given Kaidan the assignment of keeping Garrus busy on the Presidium. The Turrian like the Commander would make sure everyone else went on R&R and then burry himself in other work. Kaidan was determined that neither soldier was going to have that option this time around.

Ending the briefing Shepard informs him that she will call him when they are ready to talk with Tevos and the Asari High Command. Apolitically she informs him that knowing the councilor Tevos will take a long time coming to see the need for training refuges that just lost their home. Liara and Shepard will iron out most of the details before Kaidan gets pulled into it.

"In the meantime try to enjoy your shore leave."

Given the turbulent nature of her mood swings, Kaidan searches Shepard's face for the gab or underhanded innuendo but finds nothing. The walls are back up and Jane is gone, leaving only Commander Shepard who had a job to do and damn few soldiers to do it with.

He excuses himself and heads down to the crew deck. His mind is a mix of emotions and he could almost feel his implant ticking in time with his pulse. Sure it was two years later but had he really gotten so bad at reading Shepard's subtle queues? Or worse was it just she was so radically different that she was not the same woman he had missed for the past two and a half years?

_No. Those moments when she lets her guard down. She is exactly the same, weary, battle scarred but who wasn't in all this._

The image of her snuggling into him in her sleep springs to mind and he is sure she is still in there, struggling to get out galaxy be damned.

Luckily for his mindset and just emerging headache the rest of the crew was busy preparing for their much needed shore break. It had been a difficult few days on everyone. Even the medbay appeared empty, which was good for the L2. Making a beeline for the medical cabinets Kaidan is not surprised to see Shepard's name as one of the last ones to sign anything out. Stims right after Thessia. After the fight with Kai Lang and getting checked over by Chakwas she must have signed them out. Who would want to sleep after that?

Hearing the door open Kaidan was almost expecting Shepard but instead saw the doctor.

_You are in the medbay genius._ He reminds himself.

"Ah Major I was hoping you would remember to take your medications. I can't nag everyone like I have to with Jeff."

She steps alongside him and takes a different bottle out. Glancing down at the log she nods and adds a note to her inventory.

"When you see the Commander tell her Tactus has sent more requests. "

"What makes you think I will be seeing the Commander before we disembark?"

"Please Major" she says with a chuckle. "I might be old but I am not dead."

He sighs giving the older woman a crocked smile; she had been with Shepard the whole time after all. If there was someone who could offer insight into the changes within the Commander it would be Karin. He flips the log entry back, surprised to see Shepard's name very infrequently. Only after major conflicts signing out antibiotics or pain killers as needed, not stims. The log also went back further then dry dock which Kaidan had not been expecting.

_Well that is a good sign then at least._

"Whatever you are looking for Major it is not there."

The voice comes from her terminal where she had sat down. Turned to face him with her hands folded neatly in her lap, waiting for him to finish his pointless search.

"And given the way the Normandy left Earth you will also find the crew medical files abysmally out of date. Especially Flight Lt. Moreau and the Commanders." She said with a fake frown that wouldn't convince a five year old.

"You falsified documents Doctor?" The idea struck him, she had after all been working for an enemy organization .

"Nothing so serious Kaidan." She puts up a gloved hand with a chuckle. "When Shepard turned herself over to the Alliance I just made sure to very thoroughly wipe my terminal. With the help of an AI and a Geth."

"The way I figured it, if I was going to be tried as an accomplice to a war criminal shoddy recordkeeping would be the least heinous offense they threw at me."

"But you found something worth hiding then." He pressed.

"Nothing so direct Major I assure you. But my thought was… " She pauses a moment on how to phrase her reply.

"Garrus told you about the first few days after Omega yes? The examinations she ordered?" He nods.

"Well we found nothing. A few elevated cortisol readings, enlarged hypothalamus, but nothing to raise alarm. Instead of allaying Shepard's fears that only seemed to make it worse for her to handle. I didn't want the Alliance to have that to hold against her when the trial came up. I didn't want them to say she was a construct, not a soldier because of some readings that they could spin however they wanted."

"You were afraid they would section 8 her."

"The Alliance had never admitted she was back in the first place. Until the Alpha Relay we were not to set foot in Alliance Space so they had ignored the problem until it came back to bite them. Shepard turned herself in and she was very clearly the same woman so they had to stall until they could figure out what do about everything. But the Reapers took care of that for them."

"You really think the Alliance would have done that? I mean after the crash they asked me about her mental state even back on Earth right before they asked me if she seemed sound but I chalked it up to grasping at straws."

"Ever the optimist Kaidan one of the many reasons she likes you." The doctor gives him a matronly smile. "Allow me to put it this way. They made Shepard into the ideal war hero, a martyr who went down with the ship saving her crew, saved the council, and suddenly she is back literally from the dead working with a known terrorist organization and while working outside the law you manage to kill over 30 thousand people. Do you think the brass would want to touch that? Don't you think it would be easier to just say it was a mech? A robot made to look like a dead Commander as a ploy to weaken the Alliance holdings in the Terminus systems?"

It made sense why the Doctor had cleared the logs. It was bad enough the Alliance had ignored Shepard's warning until Earth was attacked but to think they would have written her off had not been for her sending reports to Anderson and turning herself in.

"I have been talking to her, sometimes it's like she is a totally different person. I was worried it was PTSD or even a form of bi-polar …" He admitted, feeling guilty he looks at his hands clenching and unclenching around the pill bottle.

"Well I am no psychologist which judging by Shepard's reactions to Mrs. Chambers I deem a good thing but I think there is only so much fight left in a person. Shepard had lost everything that made her, her and only now do I think she is starting to get it back." She gives Kaidan a meaningful look.

"You can't be serious."

The idea that all this was some sort of subconscious identity crisis was too crazy. The guilt over Cerberus and anger at the Alliance even at him for not being there after Horizon. It made an odd kind of sense.

"Think about who Shepard recruited to the Omega mission. We were working for Cerberus a known human centric crew and who did she bring on board?"

He thinks for a minute before he sees what Chakwas is alluding to.

"An Asari, A turrian, a Salarian,a Krogan, a Quarrian and a Drell?" A small smile reaching his lips. Even in the early days of the SR-1 Ash and Pressley had almost had a heart attack when she brought on alien species and treated them like the crew.

_Because they WERE her crew. Still are._

"And the human she brought on board was even more anti Cerberus then she was. The mercenary and the thief were just added bonuses. But Shepard did what she always does. The thing that makes her such a damn effective Captain and now coordinator of this whole damn mess. She took them and made them a unit." She leans back in her chair , turning slightly to the console and puts in the pass lock.

"What exactly are you looking for Major? Since I already broke patient confidentially perhaps there is something in specific you want? Rather than stabbing in the dark before a much needed mental health break?"

* * *

A/N I am not thrilled with this chapter and I am not sure why. I might recon it later if I can make it flow better. As always feedback and suggestions are welcome! The weekend got really crazy so I have to get back in the flow of the story. And a big welcome to all the new followers and readers! -R


	36. Chapter 36

_A sanity check._

That was what Kaidan had used as an excuse to get Shepard to have lunch with him at the Apollo.

_God was that really the last time either one of them had taken a break? It felt like a lifetime ago._

"I dunno doc, I guess I just want to know she is pissed off at me and this isn't just a result of …who knows faulty wiring?"

"A deathwish, taking unnecessary risks pushing themselves too far." The hint of a smile from Chakwas leaves Kadian feeling confused.

"That wasn't in her file."

"No Major, it was in yours after Alchera. After the crew was disbanded and Jeff grounded, you started taking all the missions no one wanted. Some might even call them suicide missions. When Shepard came back she didn't have clearance anymore to check them and Anderson wouldn't give your status away."

"But you were on authorized leave and being a doctor had access." He understood where this was going.

She nods "Do you know why I signed on with Anderson so many times? Why I rejoined Shepard after two years?"

Kaidan shakes his head. The idea that Shepard had seen his mission reports after her death and had never said anything made him feel almost guilty. God only knew what they had put in his psy eval after everything. He had never discussed with her that time in his life other than lashing out on Horizon.

_And she had never asked. Because she had known and knew you wouldn't want to tell her._

He shakes his head in reply to her question.

"I have been in the AS longer than you have been alive. I have seen more than my fair share of Captain's who take their crew for granted. Anderson and then Shepard treat them the same way I do. Treats us as family. That is a rare gift in times like these Kaidan. She, Joker, even you when you were rushed into Huerta and I took transport over to check on you. You are like my family." She pauses to give him a smile. "So consider me breaking her patient confidentiality an even trade."

She gives his arm a reaffirming pat before she exits. Glancing at her terminal he is not surprised to see Shepard's file info unlocked on her terminal. Shaking his head he uploads it onto his omni. Kaidan is seriously beginning to wonder if every woman on this ship is batty.

_I am gonna have to start avoiding Gabby too. Who knows what craziness she can do._

Exiting the Medbay Kaidan is not very surprised to see the crew deck deserted. They had been docked about a half hour and most of the thin crew had made their way out the airlock to enjoy their unexpected free day. He checks his messages quick and concludes he has some free time himself. He is surprised to hear Shepard and Traynor's voices coming from the cockpit.

* * *

"No no. Absolutely not!"

"Oh come on Commander it is not …THAT bad." Traynor's voice indicating whatever IT was clearly was THAT bad.

Joker chimes in, his voice chocked from laughed.

"Hell I like it!"

"YOU would! I look like an officer's bachelor party. I knew it wouldn't work. I blame you two mother hens for feeding HIS fetishes." Shepard points an indignant finger at Joker.

"Maybe you are just feeding into mine and Liara's." The Specialist countered.

_What the hell did I just overhear?_

Kaidan changes course and heads for the already crowed bridge to see Joker's shoulders shaking, his face buried in his arms to hide the laughter. Liara and Samantha wedged in EDI's corner console and Shepard with her back to him in what looked like a mismatched set of dress blues.

"Shepard I just thought it would be a good idea to meet with Counselors dressed the part." Liara trying to be the peace keeper as always.

"Well then maybe we should have had the Broker track me down clothes that FIT! And why did you have your dress uniform in your footlocker anyway? Didn't you tell me you didn't even have a toothbrush?!" Shepard almost growled at the two who dissolved into giggles.

"Playing dress up how you four plan on spending your shore leave?" Kaidan tries his best innocent voice as he rounds the airlock doors.

No one falls for it. Shepard is trying desperately to right the uniform that fits awkwardly in all the wrong places and the two women have tears of laughter welled up in their eyes that could very well cause their deaths as soon as Shepard recovers herself. Joker just enjoying the whole affair gives Kaidan his infamous lopsided grin. And if Kaidan didn't know better he would say the tips of Shepard's ears were just starting to turn pink again.

Stepping around Shepard Kaidan got the visual that had so clearly distressed the Commander and made the other three dissolve into tears. Shepard at least had the common sense to know that Traynor's dress pants would not fit her wider hips or shorter legs but she had attempted the jacket with slightly more success.

Being wider in the shoulder and more muscular the top of Traynor's jacket would not close fully around Shepard's chest and had an unintended compressing effect that the material clearly was not designed for. Far be it for Kaidan to complain about the state of Shepard's breasts it was not the professional look of an Alliance Officer.

"Listen Asari unlike you fem fatales not everything human's wear need to be skin tight. I would be better off wearing his uniform!" Shepard hooks a finger at Joker.

"Mine would be closer if you were concerned about the bars and stars. Mad'am." Trying to keep his voice level took more effort than Kaidan would have liked to admit. So did moving his gaze up to look Shepard in the eye.

"Then I will look like I am wearing a dress!" She eyes him as she thinks that over. A second later she shakes her head." No that wouldn't do either. This is just a waste of time."

With one motion Shepard undoes the few buttons and hands the jacket back to Sam. Deciding it was best they save further wraith from the Commander she and Liara take their leave. The three remaining Alliance personal wait until they go. With an expectant hand out to Joker Shepard dares him to make a smart ass comment. With a dejected sigh Joker hands back over her hoodie.

"If those two don't get together already and get all their female-ing out of their system I might have to hide in cargo hold." She groused, only half joking.

"Them? It was your females just peeking out in my cockpit …Commander." Joker had a death wish.

"Thank gods for sports bras and under armor then." She folded her arms across her chest regardless. "That does not change the fact that I am ordering you off the ship Joker."

"Shepard it is one day. I can handle it." He protested.

"Jeff don't argue with me for once. Take it as an order, you know like from a Commanding Officer. You need a day away from thinking about Tiptree. I don't care if EDI has to carry you over her shoulder to the Blasto movie you two are going to be outside the hanger."

"Alright Mom." He sounds sulky but he gives Kaidan a wink as if Shepard wouldn't see. But she was already turning on him.

"And you. What are you still doing aboard that you got to so accidently walk into that bit of ridiculousness?"

"Me? I was gonna ask you if you wanted to catch Blasto IV. I hear all the cool couples are seeing it today."

And with that all three of them dissolved into laughter at the sheer absurdity of their dysfunctional family.


	37. Chapter 37

Exiting the Normandy Kaidan and Shepard go over to the railing and watch the flow of traffic. Cortez gives the two officers a nod and makes himself scarce. Leaning against the banister Shepard's nose hasn't popped up out of her omni tool since the doors closed behind them. Even with their long trip to get here the Asari Councilor apparently was still in meetings and could not see them. Ten minuts stretch out into twenty. After asking the same question three times and receiving no reply Kaidan touches her arm lightly.

"Hermer?" She looks up as if she had forgotten he was there. Not her most eloquent speech. He chuckles keeping his hand on her sleeve.

"I said since we have to wait do you want to grab a bite?"

She frowns and looks at her omni. He knew full well she had arranged lunch with someone offship but no time had been set and all her carefully laid plans were in the air until something was done about Thessia. But it was also clear to Kaidan that nothing was going to get resolved from Shepard's omnitool standing overlooking docking ships.

"Actually I had a working lunch planned but that looks like a working coffee shift. Besides didn't I tell you I wanted you to enjoy your shore leave Major?" She finally looks up at him with a smile.

"Why is it so hard to believe I actually want to enjoy some time with you Shep?" He takes her right hand in his, ignoring the orange glow of maps being fed into it.

"Because I don't know how to turn off? I make Liara and Tali look like frat girls on spring break?"

"Well THAT is a visual I could have lived my life without. And I remember one shore leave where you didn't even turn that thing on." He says rubbing her fingers as she finally closes the omni.

"Yea but for one positively amazing shore leave, and it was. I got one to last a lifetime."

She was referring of course to Elysium another chapter of her career that she seldom brought up.

"Come on. We got the access to flight plans for incoming ships. The councilor is busy being the councilor and you could use the walk. You haven't had your nose out of data pads since breakfast."

"Those were some good eggs." She admitted with a smile. "Sure let's get some coffee."

"Are you asking me on a date Commander?" He joked but extended his elbow anyway.

"Nope giving you an order Major. Something tells me this shore leave won't end as well as Nos Astra." Her nose crinkled in that way that made her face light up and they headed down to the Café.

They had ordered food and sat by a bench overlooking the small grassy area. Ignoring the smoking skycabs the scene was almost serene. It was punctuated every few minutes but Shepard throwing a scrape of bead to the birds over the landing.

"I can't believe you are doing that."

"What? Normally they are on that overhang by the stairs. I don't think anyone feeds them now."

"They are pigeons Shep." He points out.

"So ugly birds don't need to eat?"

Jane Shepard, Hero of Elysium, Survivor of the Skyllian Blitz, the one almost singlehandedly tasked with saving the galaxy. Sitting here barefoot in the grass, in a hoodie two sizes too big. Throwing bits of bread to flying rats.

"So I have that list you wanted."

"What's that?" Her brows knit looking up at him.

"You asked me what I knew about you. What made me want to be with you and not "the Commander Shepard."

"Oh. Kay… I'm sorry. It's just sometimes I get so angry and not knowing what to say to you."

"Will you shush up and listen. Feed your new friends."

He tears a piece of bread and flings it. Of course he manages of over shoot the damn birds which were creeping closer and it plinks into the water behind. Giggling she grabs a piece of bread from his hand and stuff it in her mouth.

"What do I know about you. Hmmmm" He pretends to think even though he had been thinking this over since the call for Aria.

"Your favorite color is green. Everyone else would say purple because of that armor but that was a gift. Probably from Anderson when you got your N7. But the joints and the parts you fixed are hand painted green. As are some very nice panties that I happened to notice."

"Uh huh." A smile as if she was not sure where he was going with this.

"You love animals, even the ugly ones." He points to the pigeons. "Even that damn eel which is creepy as hell has a place in your room. Deep down you are still a farm girl and liketo feel the air on your face and the earth on your toes" He points to her bare feet.

"You don't like to own a lot of things but you are sentimental. You never kept anything in the SR-1 Captains Cabin because it had been Anderson's and you felt like you were taking it from him. You stowed all your gear with ours down in the crew deck. Because you always harked on being part of the crew not above it."

_Now for the harder part._

"You and Ashley never got along but you respected her. You and she grew up in similar situations but had opposite outcomes. You still blame yourself about her death. You never let me blame myself about it."

Shepard's eyes had left the birds and were staring out at the water but she let him continue. Never interrupting him to say if he was wrong or right, he took it as a good sign and kept going.

"You hate surprises. You like to plan for everything and will run and rerun data until you have a good handle on situations. And you pace A LOT when you are thinking or reading and it makes other people feel lazy to watch you."

"You put everyone's needs before your own. You would do damn near anything for your crew. Even the ones you really don't like. You make them your family and much as you complain about being mothered by others you watch out for everyone you care about even when they don't know it." He slides his arm around her waist and shifts closer, keeping his voice low.

"I don't know your middle name but I know how I feel about you and it's stronger now than when we met, stronger since Horizon, since Mars."

"I know you were looking out for me even after Horizon. I know you think you are pushing me away because you don't want me to get hurt again if the worse should happen and you don't make it out of this alive. And I am telling you I don't care."

She leans into him not answering for a long time. Being content just to be held by him. Still looking out over the water she replies.

"I told you, you were stubborn." She bites her lip, that motion that meant she was considering something.

"It's Cadman by the way."

* * *

A/N Had to retcon chap 34 because Shepard apparently lost 2 lines in her rant that didn't make much sense here w/o. nothing "major" Sorry for the fluff but it just kept springing up in my head.

Ahhh Nemo is here! Everyone has gone storm crazy here and I don't know how much we will get in the end but so far we have less then an inch and people are acting like the world is ending. Depending on what the little fishy has in store I may or may not get another chapter up this weekend :) -R


	38. Chapter 38

In the months and years to come there are many images that Kaidan likes to remember. The memory of Shep sitting barefoot in the grass, her eyes reflecting the motion of the water as if the galaxy was not at war is one of them held most dear. The image of her smiling at him as if they didn't have a care in the world made what was to come almost bearable.

Their silence was of course not long lasting. Shepard's omni beeps alerting her of an incoming local message. With a regretful sigh she gets to her feet and extends her hand down to help Kaidan up. Looking at her hand then her face Kaidan gets to his feet on his own, slapping stray bits of grass off his palms. Shepard grabs her shoes in her left hand and starts reading her omnitool screen.

"Need me to get lost?" Kaidan is not sure who she is meeting.

"No actually she will meet us, not far from here."

She looks up at a cluster of trees quizzically. Turning her head she circles the trees before walking off the path, down toward the water. A few more repetitions of this before Shepard apparently finds the tree she was looking for. Leaning against it she begins to put on her socks and shoes as another set of footsteps approaches them.

A medium build woman with blond hair and Alliance Blues hails them as she clears the treeline.

Dr. Sanders thank you for meeting me here. I know it was a bit of a trip."

"Commander Shepard. Major." She gives them both a nod. "Shepard I know it's not why you called me but…" the woman trails off awkwardly but Shepard gives a nod and a half smile.

"As of 0400 London and yes he sends his best Kahlee."

The blond woman chuckles at that.

"It figures somehow that the two women in Anderson's life talking about him 35 light years away." The woman puts her hand on the tree trunk obviously remembering something before shaking her head and turning back to face them.

_Kahlee Sanders, AI expert and head of the Ascension Project. Shepard really is pulling in the big guns here._

"After saving my students it was the least I could do. Thank you again for talking them out of front lining by the way, if you hadn't I am sure half of them would have made it to Earth by now."

Shepard gives a sideways glance at Kaidan before shrugging.

_Was that just a bashful look? _

"Well with the effort Cerberus went to get those kids I know how important they are. As is the research that was going on there."

"Yes of course Commander. And I think you were right. After the attack I requested all the information we got from Greyson and the Reapers. We know the Collectors were looking for human biotics when Hendel and I took Gillian away from the school."

_Hendel. Biotics. It can't be…_

"And we now know the Collectors were just minions of Reapers." Shepard looked thoughtful.

"Yes. We saw what they did to.." Sanders pauses as if trying to keep her emotions out of the conversation. "What they turned Greyson into. The research we did on his remains gave us some insight but we are still years behind Cerberus."

"At the end Saren tried to fight back. He took his own life but it was too late by that point." Kaidan pointed out. The memory of the cybernetic Turrian was not something that one could forget.

"Yes it seems much was the same of Paul. By the end he was just a vessel. I think when it mattered he could try to help but it was not enough at the end." The sadness had crept back into the doctor's voice. "Hackett had a doctor researching Reaper tech here on the Citadel. You should look him up before you leave. Dr. Garret Bryson."

"If nothing else knowing what we have learned about the Reaper's is huge. Between that and the reports I sent Anderson I know you have more than we did six months ago. At least some people weren't sitting on their hands waiting for the Reapers to arrive." Shepard managed to keep her voice neutral but Kaidan knew it was a conscious effort.

"Well with the Council breathing down his neck and you in solitary it probably was best he resigned. Do you think any of this would have happened if he had stayed?" Kahlee motions to the damages still visible to the Pavilion from Udina's betrayal.

"Most of it." Shepard admits. "I wouldn't play the what-if game Sanders. Anderson and I have known each other far too long to think things might have come out differently. We are both to damn stubborn. The same goes for you two."

The older woman shrugs to admit Shepard was right. Reaching into her bag she hands over a data pad and several OSD's and a wrapped parcel. Shepard looks at the canvas questioningly.

"David said you might need these. Busy playing politics and all. Anyway I should get back to it. Checking in on Jack and I'll be back to Arcturus. "

The woman salutes both the officers and heads back toward the path that would lead her in the general direction of Purgatory. Shepard looks at the package suspiciously, flipping it over once then twice before unwrapping it.

The sound of Shepard's laugher fills the small clearing and Kaidan looks at her confused before seeing what was in her hands. Unfolding the material as if made of the finest silk was of course Shepard's Officer Uniform complete with bars and chain of command.

A small slip of paper falls out of the crease and Kaidan picks it up before handing it over to Shepard. Reading the quick note Shepard's face goes somber but she keeps running her finger over the jacket.

_Didn't have time to give you these on Earth. _

_I'm proud of you kid. _

_-A_

* * *

_A/N In case you have NO IDEA what is going on in this chapter I highly suggest you read the Drew Karpyshyn ME novels. They give tons of background on the events discussed here. When I heard Kahlee Sanders was going to be in ME3 I was soo excited but like most good characters she got a single side quest and was turned into a war asset. Boo!  
_

_From here on in a lot of the events are going to be more tactical, less game cannon ish mainly because I felt there was too much going on behind the scenes and not enough actual war planning. Oh yes and lots of Kaidan goodness :)_

_-R_


	39. Chapter 39

"Guess I'd better find a place to change." Shepard's voice was soft.

Kaidan wraps an arm around her and she leans in still looking at her jacket as if it was a cruel joke. She had never come to terms with the being relieved of command, being thrown in jail without a trial or being called a mass murderer by the people that had killed her family. But Anderson had come through for her again. 35 light years away and he was still looking out for her.

"Common. Let's go for a walk." He pulls her by her waist toward the water. She follows sluggishly, still lost in thought.

"So what was that about the kids at Ascension? That look you gave me?"

"I gave you a look?" Shepard replies still clearly not with it.

"Oh yea you did. What happened that made you look at me?"

They reach a small curve in the water and stop. Shepard gives her "what the hell shrug" and looks out over the water.

"There were these two kids there. Biotics in Jack's class. Prangley and Rodriguez, brave kids. They must have been like you and Rahna back at BAaT, he was so protective of her. "She shakes her head remembering the scene." EDI found some Cerberus files saying the boy was a "prime candidate" for indoctrination because he showed leadership potential. I couldn't let them go frontline after seeing that. You hadn't even woken up yet and these kids are only the second generation of biotics. I was supposed to tell those kids to go frontline with no unit experience. No basic military training just some tests and school reports."

"Sanders seemed to think they would have been ready." Kaidan pointed out.

"Good as she is she is she is not a field soldier. She hasn't seen what we have Kay. Those kids were good in a pinch but in draw out conflict?" She shakes her head." I couldn't make that call after what they went through, what I know you went through as a kid."

"So I was here, laid out on a bed and was still influencing your decisions on Elyssium eh?" He said with a teasing note in his voice.

"You and some pretty perfect teenager that I'll never live up to yeah." She gave it right back to him, a smirk on her face.

"Hey now that cuts deep." He made a grabbing motion at his chest. "I was sixteen and sealed off from the outside world. Besides I bet you have your fair share of teenage flings. You were the one who teased me about passing the nights there as I recall."

" Nope. Too busy getting shot at. "She said with complete sincerity. "That and I looked like a boy until my midteens."

_Nice going Alenko._

"I find that hard to believe. I've seen the VI's they made of you. Not exactly _execrated _proportions there." He eyes her head to toe meaningfully.

"Seriously! When Anderson found me on Omega he thought I was a boy ."

" Ick. I really don't want to know how you proved otherwise do I?" He was mostly kidding.

Shepard makes a motion as if she was going to push Kaidan into the water, but her face was not angry.

"He scanned my thumbprint you pervert! When we get back to Earth he can tell you. You want the stories and he knows that one just as well as me. Hell probably better."

"That would be one hell of a victory party. Can't image we would find enough booze for all three of us."

"Come on. We got work to do while we are here. "She uploads Sander's files to her omni and checks her mail frowning. " You'd think with the entire galaxy gone nuts the council would make it a point to fast track their own officers who saved their asses." She gripes and starts walking.

"You saved their asses. I shot one of them." Kaidan reminds her. Falling in step next to her they leave the small park and re-emerge on the other side of the commons.

"No. You shot a scared ass who thought selling out other species would buy humanity some time. That reminds me, I might as well get another meeting done since Tevos can't be pulled out of her grief long enough to save the rest of her species it seems." Still walking Shepard is typing up a message. A ping replies back quickly and she gives a slight nod.

"Is this your lunch date?"

"Working lunch and yes. Wanna come?"

"Uhhhh Shep? I might be a little out of practice with dating but the third wheel kinda defeats the point."

_What is she getting at? Or maybe you are just making too much out of it Alenko._

"So does asking a guy's doctor ex-girlfriend to watch over him but that didn't stop me." She retorts back.

"Wait you knew about Chloe? " He stopped abruptly. Somehow the idea had never crossed Kaidan's mind.

"Please Kaidan." Shepard rolls her eyes. "You are not exactly a social butterfly with the migraines. You were never stationed on a ship after SR-1 and you went to a new system every few months. When she came running over with Karin after Mars the pieces fell into place."

_And she still asked Mitchell to watch over you. Good to know she is not a jealous prig unlike some people._

"That and she bought Garrus those chocolates so I got the vib she was on the rebound. I had to practically drag Tali away from scratching the poor woman's eyes out. And Garrus was as oblivious as usual." Sensing Kaidan's unease Shepard switched the focus off his ill-fated civilian relationship.

_And you wanted to question her about how close she had gotten to Thane. Who she asked to look over you. Let's see who her mystery messages were going to then shall we?_

Wondering just how far Kaidan could fit his size 13 boot down his own gullet he gestured for Shep to lead the way. She had invited him after all, but it typical Shepard fashion not divulged who nor where. Wordlessly she leds the way back toward the few remaining restaurants on the Presidium.

* * *

A/N Intresting chapter to end up on Valentines Day :)

gammasquad/2012/02/42-more-geeky-valentines/attachment/valentines-masseffect-commander-shepard/

And a lovely day to all you readers and lurkers. Thank you again for your support and as always I welcome feedback even critical.

-R


	40. Chapter 40

The tables had filled up in the past few hours since their initial coffee break at arrival. The smells of various dishes from various systems mingled together as did the din of conversation. Joker was right people really were trying to pretend there was no war in Ba-Sing-Se. All they had to do was look around for the extra C-Sec rifles or head down to Zakera to understand it was an illusion that became thinner every day. Scorch marks and empty windowpanes showed the lingering damages of the attack but cleaned up people needed a sense of normalcy.

_Blind. They are all blind. No wonder Shep gets pissed whenever she comes here. She has lost good people to try to prevent this day from ever happening and they pretend like everything is fine._

He hazards a glance over at her and sees that her posture has changed. He also notices several tables stop and look at her when she walks by. This only makes her pace quicken and the line appear between her brows. She of course had noticed their gapes before Kaidan had. No one said anything outright nasty that he could hear but the gawks were not concealed. They were busy pretending there was no war but when the (in)famous Commander Shepard needed a cup of coffee that was an unacceptable waste of time.

Without hesitation Kaidan reaches out to her now clenched fist and slips his hand into hers. She does not look over at him but her march slows and her expression softens just at the edges. She gives one squeeze as show of her gratitude. Her gaze is flowing over the crowd and he can feel her displeasure. She had commented that he was no fan of crowds but having her face plastered on every vid screen from here to the Terminus had clearly not made her much of one either.

_Not that she ever had been much of one to crave the limelight anyway. The Commander Shepard is what people see not her. Not Jane who likes to sit barefoot in the grass. Or flings her oatmeal._

"Shepard over here!" A voice calls from a ways off and Kaidan sees a hand wave behind a group of Krogan and Turrians. Turing on her heels she follows that way and a genuine smile flashes over her face.

"Bailey! Are you sure you should be out of the hospital like that?" She gestures to the cane that the C-Sec officer is heavily leaning on.

"If I'm breathing I'm working, told you that. But that's awful funny coming from someone back from the dead."

Turing awkwardly with the cane the Security Commander motions to the table he had saved. It has 4 chairs but only two places set. Kaidan notices with a smile the seat across from Bailey already has a large coffee cup and a double shot of liquor at it.

_Well it's a start._

"So how are you mending? I don't think Dr. Mitchell would let you out with two slugs still in your gut." Shepard says grabbing for the menus.

"Crap Shepard take a minute. Drink your damn drink." The blond man says chuckling.

"This bitty thing? " She holds up the glass and frowns. "This isn't even a drink. Don't think I'm letting you off that easy Bailey."

"Well if you don't want it." Kaidan makes a grab for the glass knowing it might result in his broken digits. But she downs it and flips upside down before he even gets close.

Making eye contact with the Asari waiting tables she points to the coffee and the empty glass then making a two gesture before turning her attention back to the other Commander. With all the menus neatly pinned under her elbows Shepard is clearly up to something.

_But when isn't Shep up to something?_

"Come on Bailey I didn't track all this way across the galaxy to see you slump over on me. There must have been someone else you could trust. "

The other man attempts to sit up straighter obviously hiding his discomfort.

"Will you give it a rest Shepard? I didn't bringing up the holes I saw in your armor while you went elevator surfing."

Kaidan gives Shepard a sideways glance but keeps silent. Hearing the C-Sec officer talk about the stupid risks Shepard had taken that day to save the council (yet again) made Alenko feel oddly guilty. Looking at the cop who was still obviously on the mend didn't exactly help either.

_When doesn't Shepard take stupid risks? He hadn't even seen her until he staked out the Normandy port. She had gone to visit Thane but could have sought medical attention while there._

"I'm a soldier I at least was wearing my armor when we showed up. But seriously Bailey how are you? I could have just as easily gone to badger Chellick about the Defense Force if you aren't back on active duty yet."

"Comm'on Shepard we both know I am useless behind a desk. It's even worse in the hospital. All those errands you been running to keep the civilians here safe got a lot going on. I might as well make myself useful. Heck you got those kids working I am not gonna sit by idle "The man's voice firm

Shepard holds up her hands palms out in a motion of surrender.

"I wouldn't worry about that. There is always plenty for you to do if you know where to look." The right side of Shepard's mouth quirks up as the Asari returns with a tray of drinks. In front of Shepard and Kaidan mugs of coffee and double shots of liquor. Also in front of Kaidan was a lager, the same went to Bailey and two sat at the empty seat next to Bailey.

As the Asari woman walked away the two men looked at their drinks before them. Eyes met and went to the empty seat before simultaneously turning to Sheaprd who had a barely contained smirk. The term the cat who ate the canary came to Kaidan's mind looking at her as she sipped her Irish coffee.

* * *

A/N Slow Chapter I know but if I didn't split it it would have gotten WAYYY to big. Oh the bright side I should be getting 41 up Monday. Yeah for Federal Holidays :) Have a great weekend all and thanks for the great R&R's!


	41. Chapter 41

_She is enjoying this way too much._ He thinks but then decides to roll with it. _It's good to see her smile; I haven't seen her smile this much since we left Earth._

A comfortable silence fills the table. Odd considering Kaidan during his time on the Citadel had barely spoken three sentences to the other man. He chalked it up to what Hackett had said about Shepard. She had a way of bringing people together. Even the Illusive Man had praised her for that very skill. Shepard rolls the coffee mug between her palms, obviously thinking.

"So how is that militia doing? I don't image you have many officers to play beat cop." She finally asks.

The other man leans back and gestures up to the Commons level. "Better than we thought. Truth be told Shepard we make it out of this I am gonna put your name in for Councilor. Between whatever you did for Kannik and that retired General helping train civilians we are doing well. They won't catch us off guard again."

Shepard nods but looks sad for a moment. "We have a Councilor and he was a damn good one. Or so I was told, was dead for most of it if you remember."

Bailey shakes his head. "Yea I still say you wanted to avoid taxes. Or better yet not show up at all those fancy ceremonies they had for you after…" He trails off and glances at Kaidan. "You got roped into more than a few though."

Kaidan rubs the back of his neck uncomfortably. The days after the SR-1 were not ones he liked to think about. Sure there had been a promotion but the interrogations and cover-up that followed had overshadowed anything that might have seemed like a good thing at the time. No time to grieve Shepard but that had been the point at the time right? Keep busy to avoid thinking about losing her.

"Three of a kind I guess we are then." Bailey continues taking the Major's cue . He raises his beer in the direction of Kaidan and drinks a swig. "All caught up in Politics and paperwork when we'd rather be out there actually doing something."

Shepard had been quietly scanning the crowd as the two men chatted. Her elbows still propped on the pile of menus and hands locked under her chin. As if it had not been obvious that Shepard was waiting for someone by the fourth place setting, her lack of commentary would have given it away.

_She did tell you she doesn't know how to turn off._

With a fluid motion she steps over the back of her seat and puts two fingers in her mouth causing an ear splitting whistle. The tables around them give Shepard angry looks but once they see who was behind the rude interruption the glares are quickly averted. To which Shepard only snorts.

A tall woman makes her way over to the table. She looks vaguely familiar to Kaidan but he can't quite place her. Shepard has her hands on her hips, the tell-tale lean to one side saying she is in full smart-ass mode as the other woman approaches.

"You're late Parasini." She scolds.

"And you suck at answering email." The woman shoots backs. Without being invited to she takes the empty seat next to Bailey and grabs one of the beers.

"Besides customs sucks now. If your little package didn't have your name on it I never would have gotten it thought. You'd think there was a war going on or something." The dark haired woman takes another swig of beer. It was a good thing the Asari had brought over two.

That mischievous twinkle was back in Shep's eyes as she picks back up her coffee and makes a seemingly off-handed jab.

"As a Detective I thought you would have known how to get around the cops." She gives a glance to Bailey who had been eyeing the two women silently.

"You're a Detective?" He finally musters enough to ask. Eying her long hair and pink sweater.

"And you're a C-Sec?" She tips her beer in the direction of his cane. "No wonder Shepard called me in." She takes another long swig before Bailey looks at the Commander expectantly. Kaidan had to admit he was more than a little curious what she was up to as well. The woman had been on Illium last Shepard had run into her but had gone off the grid soon after.

"Well while I was running some errands for the Commander here." She gestures at Bailey." I kept finding schematics that were too advanced to be your run of the mill counterfeit. Too well developed to be reworked oldtech. And too many venders know exactly where to find said tech when the vise was turned."

"So you think it was coming from Noveria." The dark woman nods understanding.

"Or Illium if it is made to be spread around quickly." Shepard adds in. She pulls up some of the files on her omni's display and Parasini shakes her head.

"Shepard you know I can't give you those NIA would have my head. But if they were fakes like Hermia was hocking I would tell you. "

"Gianna I couldn't send these over the extranet. That's why I had you come here. Look at this place. We need every advantage we can get." She gestures over to the broken windows and then at Bailey. "Hell this place would be way worse off if it wasn't for Bailey and a ton of good timing."

"That was YOU?" Parasini looks to Bailey and the cane, understanding crossing her expression. The Internal Affairs officer sighs looking between the three others and leans back sipping her beer. "Let me see what you got. Most of the research has stopped since Palaven anyway. Most companies are producing since they don't expect most new patients will have long enough to wait around in R&D anyway."

Shepard gestures at Bailey who pulls up some of the schematics that the Defense Force has been implementing. The two lean in looking at the readouts and Kaidan catches an accomplished smirk cross Shepard's face that neither across from them would have been able to catch.

"Yea your right Shepard most of it is good. Not even available for production yet. You must have been hell of busy to find some of this."

"Always am. Speaking of which, how is your dark matter project going?"

"Nowhere fast." The taller woman admits. "With half the systems being occupied by Reapers and the other half chasing Cerberus of sites most of it is at a standstill."

"Well then I may have something you could use then." Shepard pushes her coffee aside and brings up a data pad for the other woman to read over. Parasini's brows furrow before looking up at Sheaprd.

"What? How did you get these readings? No one could get near Dholen in weeks."

"Having friends on the Quarian Admiralty Board has its advantages. These are reading they got from Haestrom. I trust you can use them?" The woman nods still scrolling through the research, if anyone knew dark matter and how to do analysis on the run it was the Quarians.

"Consider it payment then for any of the help you can offer Bailey here then. You said it yourself with the war going on you are not getting much done out on research vessels. Besides you said it yourself you wanted some real police work."

"God you really are a hard ass Shepard. But you strike a hard bargain." She looks over to Bailey before looking back at the records. "Yea I can do that. Don't expect me to wear the uniform though." She wags a finger at the man.

"Wouldn't dream of it Ma'dam." With a lurid expression that makes Kaidan laugh. Parasini realizing she had been set up (but not seeming to mind too much) narrows her eyes at Shepard feigning annoyance.

"So all this was a setup. I should have known, so what was in the package? C4? Grenades?"

Shepard makes a mock innocent face before gesturing over the Asari .

"Ye of little faith. You are almost as bad as him!" She points an accusatory finger at Bailey. "Can't I just do something nice for people? Geeze it's a get well present of sorts."

The waitress returns with a tray, which was odd because none of the menus had even left Shepard's carefully guarded position yet.

_She set this up too. _

The blue alien leans over, clearly not recognizing the food she was serving. While she is doing this, Shepard motions for the other woman to pull out the small wrapped package she had brought with her. The Asari lays out circular breads and two different types of a cream mixture.

Parasini opens the paper wrapping and begins to laugh, shaking her head. When Bailey sees what the Interal Affairs Officer is holding he does the same. Kaidan looks at the other humans clearly not in on the joke.

"Shepard you really are something else, you know that?" Bailey gets in before burying his face in his palm again laughing.

"I never told you where I was from." Parasini breaks in, putting the salmon strips down next to the pile of bagels that had been left behind. Shepard just shrugs snagging one for herself.

"Call it a hunch. Besides I think taking two to the gut deserves a good breakfast don't you?" She says around a mouthful of cream cheese, indicating Bailey.

They enjoy their meal making playful jabs at each other before it is time to go. The two Specters leave first after Shepard promises to check her emails more often. Heading back to the Commons Kaidan is still chuckling to himself about the whole thing.

"So how do you find the time to play match maker for acquaintances when you have to jump across the galaxy at a moment's notice?" He asks with a smile.

"Me? I did no such thing." Shepard has an accomplished smile on her face nevertheless.

"Yea sure. If you were singing the Commander's praises any more I might have gotten jealous." Shepard gives a snort and shakes her head.

"Actually the tech and Haelstrom data had to be done anyway. This way was just more fun."

"And there was no other motivation behind it?" Kaidan pushes. Shepard shrugs the smile fading from her eyes.

"Bailey did me a few big favors. He kept Kolyat out of jail so he and Thane could reconnect. He stalled the Council so I could be with Thane at the end." Her eyes drift out over the water. "If not for him guiding me every step of the way during the attack I wouldn't have gotten to you in time. I think he earns a little happiness don't you?"

"And the cop thing? Parasini and Bailey "

"There is just this way about them I guess. This smart-aleck, street smarts that I respect. I mean they are not career officers but that didn't stop Bailey from trying to save his force from Cerberus. And Gianna is just tough as nails. I respect that in people. Not everyone who fights the good fight becomes a soldier Kaidan." She was looking out over the Commons now, lost in thought.

_What was she remembering? Her brother had been about to join the Alliance. Her father maybe, he had told her about his own childhood as a son of a solider but she had never talked about her own. _

"They remind you of someone." He decides to push just a bit.

"Yea" She says finally. "My father was a cop on Earth before I was born. Had the same manner as those two. Smart mouth but got the job done."

"Mmmm sounds like someone else I know."

* * *

A/N I can't be the only one who really wanted to see more of these two characters? I think they would hit it off really well. And to any non-American readers who don't know what bagels and lox are Google it, I never realized how uncommon that is until I moved away from NYC.


	42. Chapter 42

_Father was a cop. Brother dreamed of being a soldier. And she is the one left standing here. Our best hope of winning this damn thing. No pressure thought Shepard._

They walk in silence for a while. Her hand still running over the bag that held her dress blues now and again as if she was unsure why it was even there slung on her hip. She was distant, probably buried in some long forgotten memories. Of Anderson? Of Elyssium? Mindoir? This war had a way of bringing people together and making them face the things they hated most. Kaidan was no exception. Hell he had pointed a gun in her face not far from this very spot.

Kaidan checks the time and is surprised to see for all their sidestops it was still not time for his diversion with Garrus. Shepard was a million miles away still, every now and then checking a bing from her omni but not doing anything of consequence. She was dreading the meeting with Tevos but she hadn't said anything about it to him, other than Liara was going to meet with the Councilor first.

Kaidan's omnitool lights up informing him one of his alerts had been received. The sound makes Shepard quirk an eyebrow at him. After all their meetings this morning Kaidan had not shared his own arrangements with Shepard.

_Well she's either gonna love me or kill me for this one. Possibly both, here goes nothing._

"Hey a ship is arriving in dock lets go head down and check it out." Trying to sound nonchalant about it, but Shepard knew better.

"Kaidan what are you up to?" Finally snapping out of her daze and looking at him suspiciously.

"Me? Come on you know I couldn't possibly manage anything crazy like you do."

Shepard crosses her arms and planted herself. Looking up at him with the corner of her mouth twitching upward but saying nothing. Daring him to convince her.

"Oh come on Shep. You can plan a dozen little run-ins I do this one little thing and you question me. Trust me." He reaches for her hand and puts it between his own.

"Major if any Alliance personal should see us…" She baits him. Twice since their arrival he had openly shown his affection. But he couldn't bring himself to give a damn.

"Yea they can court martial us for fraternizing all over the Citadel after we save the galaxy."

"All over you say? Now you're talking. "She gives him a laugh but follows his insistence toward the elevator.

Never before had Kaidan missed the old Citadel elevators. The music or news reports that made the frequent rides bearable. But back in those days it was also usually three of them chatting away. This time it was him and Shepard, and she was watching him out of the corner of her eye, analyzing him.

Whatever title they tacked onto Shepard, she was still at her best a field commander. The episode with Javik had shown that. She was good at reading people and evaluating the scene. That was probably why it was so damn difficult for her to simply let Kaidan do something for her and to take it at face value.

But her cold gaze on him still made him feel like a private awaiting inspection. He didn't understand how she could be "Shep" one minute and the Commander Shepard the next. Much as she had yelled at him during arguments that that is what was expected of her, it was hard to reconcile the two. He had never seen someone so able to just turn off like she did. Even Anderson the hardass he was had never been so hard to read.

_Try a lifetime of loss and pain. Makes it easier._

All the more reason Kaidan wanted to take every moment they had together and make it count. He had learned the hard way last time and was not one to make the same mistake twice. The doors slide open with the toneless AI announcing the floor. Shepard made a small wave with her hand in a "go on" gesture and followed him out wordlessly.

The dock was packed with refugees coming off the ship. The steady stream of bodies made it almost impossible for Kaidan to see individuals in the mass of people. He hoped Shepard's little refusal had not made him miss their mark. But he hadn't gotten a message either, not that he could have heard it over the din of the crowd.

Many Salerians, Humans, even a group of Elcor come in down the walkway. He is about to turn and say something to Shepard when he hears a small gasp from her direction. He follows her gaze and sees just a quick flash of a blue jacket and motion besides him.

Kaidan always forgets how FAST she can move, unarmored even more so. A second to see her rusty orange hair, a blip disappearing among the crowd. Making his way against traffic he heads after Shep and toward the ship's ramp.

He gets to his target just as Shepard almost bowls over a Salerian merchant and skids to a stop. The young man just stepping off the tarmac sees the Commander and gives a small smile.

"Kolyat." She breathes, her voice filled with wonder.

"Shepard. It is good to see you again. The Major informed me..." His sentence is cut off midway as Shepard launches herself into his arms, wrapping her arms around his neck. He returns the embrace, clearly embarrassed. Kaidan tries to keep his chuckle contained but he knows he is grinning like an idiot.

"How? What…why?" Shepard finally steps back looking between the Drell and Kaidan, still in state of shock.

"The Major had contacted me several days back that you would be heading to the Citadel. You had recovered some religious texts from Dakuuna and the priests on Kahje offered to keep them safe. With the affairs of my father mostly wrapped up I was an obvious choice to retrieve them."

There had been more to it than that, of course. Kaidan had sent several formal requests to Kolyat before the young man had even responded but given the situation he had not ratted him out to Shepard and the look on her face was worth it. The young man had been working with the priests that much was true but it was his decision to come to the Citadel, the religious texts just gave the priests a reason to go along with it.

"Speaking of my father's affairs. Shepard these are for you. "He hands her the potted plant of red water plants he had been holding. "On Kahje we call them Kajahira's tears. We use them to remember those who are returned to the depths. I know my father would like you to have some. These are cut from the same plant I have at the temple and my father kept after my mother died." He hands the plant to her carefully.

"Anthurium." She holds the pot in her hands, clearly recognizing the Earth equitant.

"Thank you. I will cherish them." She stands on her tiptoes to give the Drell a kiss on the cheek.

"Bailey's out of the hospital. He would love to see you. We can go over to the outpost at the Commons and have him met us there." She looks at the flowers and at Kaidan embarrassed.

He takes that as his cue to leave. He had to get moving before meeting with Garrus anyway.

"Hey you two have fun. I got to head back to the Normandy for a bit myself. Let me take those back and I'll meet up with you before the Council meeting." He gestures as the plant and the datapads from Sanders still wrapped in Shepard's uniform.

Shep nods and hands over the pot before removing the messenger bag from across her body. Pulling out the dress blues she excuses herself from Kolyat and walks over with Kaidan toward the elevator.

"Kay I…" She starts unsure how to express he gratitude. "You are amazing. Thank you. One day I'll find a way to make it all up to you." She leans in and kisses him, regulations be damned. Startled he leans into her. Out of the corner of his eye he sees the Drell nodding.

He watches her head back to Kolyat and they begin walking in the direction of the outpost. The elevator doors swish closed.

* * *

A/N Yeah I finally got this scene down! This was one of the first scenes that actually made me start writing RWINTB :) Sadly this will probably be the last chapter I get up this week. I have a qualifier this week and need to focus. Also if you send me a review or a request please **please** make sure it is not anonymous or at least give me a way to reply it makes it difficult to answer all your lovely comments! Have a great week all -R


	43. Chapter 43

The air was silent and still. The Normandy was powered down and vacant as Kaidan returned to her. Even the avatar of the ship EDI was partially elsewhere at the moment as Kaidan re-entered the sleeping shape. The sound of his boots echoed back across the CIC and for once his presence did not activate the ship schematics as he walked by. The floor lighting was dimmed but just enough to guide him by.

About to hit the button for the elevator, his hand freezes mid-air as a thought hits him.

_How are you going to put this in her cabin?_

"Crap." He mutters to himself in the silence.

Given the sensitivity of the data he was not comfortable just leaving them unsecured. And he did not relish the idea of prancing across three quarters of the Citadel with a potted plant in hand to track Shepard down like an errand boy. He was sure Garrus would never let him live it down either.

"Uhh… Edi?" He knew she was still technically in the ship but since gaining mobility (and form) it became hard to remember she was still primarily the ships AI. A second passes as his voice dissipates across the empty room. The AI had said she was still within the ship hadn't she?

"Yes Major." He was not sure but did she sound …annoyed?

_Interrupting a woman's shore leave. Never a good idea Alenko._

"I um have some sensitive material for the Commander I need to…"

"You will find the Captain's Quarters unlocked Major." Yes she definitely sounded little more brisk than usual.  
"Oh. Uh thanks. I won't be long I just have to drop some stuff off."  
"Understood. Shepard already notified me while you were enroute. Additionally she ordered me give you full access as of 0600 this morning."

"Uh. Allright."

"Signing you out Major." Which sounded very much like a "Now leave me alone."

Wondering how many different ways he could work the terms "payback" and "cockblock" into his next conversation with Joker he hit the elevator with a chuckle. Shepard had ordered him off the ship and EDI had begun to enjoy her new found freedom. The pilot was doomed.

If the bridge was quiet the loft was positively motionless. The open skylight showed the stillness of the bay above them. He had never given much thought to the skylight before but seeing the room as it was now he appreciated the attention to detail Cerberus had put into it. Without the blue lights of the aquarium or the motion from the above starlight the small room was tomb like.

Shepard had been back since this morning he noted as he entered. The bed had been made to regs, hospital corners and all he noted with a small shake of his head. The glasses and mugs had also been cleared away. Taking a quick glance around the room something else seemed off to the Major but he did not know just what yet. The datapads that had been scattered across all the exposed surfaces-desk, coffee table and workstation had been piled at the edge of the station.

Kaidan had planned to put the flower pot in the back corner but he notices it is occupied by a small box. Not the meter long footlockers that fill all empty spaces in the ship since their initial departure from Earth. But a small metal crate with an Alliance ID tag on the side. Tilting his head to get a better look at it. If it had been in the room last night he certainly had not seen it.

N7 5923-AC-2826 P.E contents Elysium proclaimed the plate. Well that made sense since there only was one N anything on board it should be in her cabin. A personal effects locker was not uncommon on a ship but the size of it indicated that these had not been in her position on Earth given her status at the time. Curious Kaidan peers into the box and notices an actual paper book. Rare on Earth this thing is tattered with age but still legible. Placing the pot down on the table he wipes his hands before picking up the dog-eared old thing. Asian characters on the page and a translation The Art of War Sun Tzu. Flipping the cover open with a touch of reverence he is not exactly surprised to see handwritten notes scrawled along margins in two distinct hands.

**2157 D.A** reads the first in simple block letters.

**2174.3.11 Thought you might like this. Good luck in OCS. –A. **The same block letters.

The second handwriting is smaller as if written with deference to the first. The image of a teenage Shepard stealing away moments in her rack to add notes to an outdated paperback made Kaidan smile. Another piece of the puzzle that was Commander Shepard. Before being an N school candidate, before Elysium there was a young marine trying to be the best soldier she could.

Curious about the other personal effects he reluctantly decides he has done enough snooping for one trip and places the antique back in the crate before unloading Kahlee's data and the bright red flowers. Other surprises can wait until later Kaidan tells himself since he now knew that he had been granted access to the loft as needed.

Resting his hip on the edge of the desk he notices his omni blinking . Pulling it up he is not surprised to see the update from Shepard.

Meeting with Tevos now. Call you in later. Thank you. Shep

Looking up across the room, the out of place detail that had eluded him earlier suddenly dawns on him. All the model ships had been rearranged in their case.

* * *

A/N Weekend got away from me so sorry for the short chapter. Welcome all new readers and favs !

Also I am not as creative as I thought I was. Booted up the game the other night and noticed the flowers all over the Citadel are the same as I described: / Oh well still fits better in my head even I don't get original idea points.

Also if you haven't heard DLC Citadel is due out NEXT week! I have only seen 4 images released but it had both Wrex and Kaidan in it ( girly squee)and Seth Green spilled the beans that he recorded for it too, as did the late Robin AKA Zaeed so yea I think it will be the huge sendoff bioware promised us (heres hoping.)


	44. Chapter 44

"Commander please understand. You are asking an awful lot of us, given the losses we have just taken." Councilor Tevos voice pleading from the table where she and Liara were sitting. Shepard was of course pacing around the circular furniture. Trying (and failing) to keep her temper.

"The losses you have taken? "She asks pointedly at the Asari. "Until a few days ago Thessia had been relatively untouched. You said it yourself when you refused to help Earth that the delay would help your people better prepare for the onslaught. How did that work out for you?"

The pain in the woman's eyes almost makes Shepard feel guilty. Almost.

"I am trying to help you Councilor. You know that." She tries to show some emotion that she really did not pauses to let the woman nod. "I understand this is not something that Asari usually do. But you have seen Earth and Palaven bleeding for weeks. Do you think your Commandos can do the same? Yes you have ships like the Destiny Assentation but you need crews to man them."

"But we have no standing army like you or the Turrians. With our lifecycles even the loss of a few units is beyond bear." She protested unaware of her implications.

Shepard feels her blood boiling. She clenches her fists, feeling her nails dig four crescent cuts into the flesh of her palms. For more than the first time she thanks whatever cosmic force there was that she had not been born a biotic for fear she would have thrown this woman across the expanse of the room.  
Liara's eyes go wide as she sees the Commander react. She puts a hand on the Councilors arm before Shepard's reply.

"Are you saying your lives are worth more than ours? Do you think the Primarch's wife grieves for her son any less than you do for your lost daughters? "She takes a deep breath to let her words sink in before going on.

She tried to center herself as Thane had taught her. Find the inner calm that she needed so badly right now. Who knew how many lives might be hanging on an overly cautious Asari right now. Not to mention a rage driven soldier.

"I know this war is unlike anything you have seen Councilor. It is unlike anything anyone has ever seen but we can not scatter to the winds and hope it will blow over. It will not." She goes on." Dr. T'soni has spent decades researching the Prothean extinction. We found a live Prothean. Their war lasted over a century. Your people might be able to hide for that long but what will be left of the galaxy for them if they do?"

If Shepard had been a compassionate woman she might have felt bad for the councilor. If she had been compassionate she might have taken the not so subtle plea to back off in Liara's eyes. If she had been compassionate she would not have blown the Alpha Relay and none of them might be standing here now. She was a solider and she did what she did best. She pushed ahead.

"I am not asking for you to give me command of your troops. I am trying to give your people a fighting chance. After what we saw on Thessia and as you yourself have pointed out your Commandos are not used to long term warfare, this is another alternative. I spoke with Matriarch Aethyta who thought it was a good idea. She even offered her own commandos to start."

Tevos frowned looking between the two. "Yes I am aware of your relationship with the Matriarch Dr. T'soni. " She tries to deflect.

"You were aware of her relationship to Benenzia as well. Does that mean you should not listen to her intel about the Protheans or Geth? As I recall you were even the one who told me to track Liara down because of that relationship."

"There is another alternative Commander." The Councilor starts. This was what she had been holding back on Shepard could see in the Asari's body language.

God she hated politics, no wonder Anderson had quit. This woman had sat on her hands for weeks and now with her ass against the wall was still trying to negotiate like she had a leg to stand on. Shepard turned and stood at ease clearing her face of all expression.

"Given what you are proposing I think it best that you would talk it over with Specter Alenko. Granted his confirmation was ah.. unconventional it still seems like a waste of resources to have two Specters aboard the same ship. I will confer with High Command but if I can assure him a ship for this Biotic Bootcamp idea it might go a long way to encouraging recruitment."

"What do you mean it was unconventional?" Liara blurts out. It was odd to see the Shadow Broker taken by surprise but Shepard's face might as well have been made of stone.

"Normally the process can take weeks so the Council can look at candidates and have them evaluated in field. But Udina was insistent that it had to been the Major and him alone. "

"I will have to confer with the Major. He turned down several positions within the Alliance to be involved with our mission." Was all Shepard said.

"That sounds good." The Councilor agrees thinking she had won a compromise. "Perhaps while we wait for your other biotic specialists to arrive I shall make contact with High Command."

They agree and stand to leave. Shepard and Liara head to the Commons but Shepard does not even bother to open her omnitool. They stop on the stairs overlooking the water. Liara had confided it was one of her favorite spots on the Citadel.

"You don't have to tell him you know." She does not look at the Commander but she can feel the barely contained anger coming off the woman in waves.

"I can't do that."

"You don't owe Tevos anything."

"It's not because of her."

"I see. What do you make of her comment about his Specter status."

"Not unexpected."

"Shepard stop being evasive." Liara lets the exasperation show in her voice. It was bad enough that she was horrible at reading humans but this woman made it impossible.

"Udina pushed him to take the position. Udina made the council accept him. Udina allied himself with Cerebrus." Shepard's hands were wrapped around the rail now, her knuckles white but her voice was still flat.

"And the Illusive Man knew about you and Kaidan because of Horizon." Liara finishes the rest that Shepard had left unsaid. "Would you have done it?" She asks much more soft, looking over the other woman's face for any trace of emotion.

"Kaidan and Garrus asked me the same thing."

"What did you tell them?"

"Kaidan no and Garrus yes." Her eyes lower for a second but that is all.

"And what do you tell yourself Shepard?"

"That I never want to be in that position again."

The idea of Kaidan being used as a human shield bothered Liara and she had not even been with Shepard at the time. The idea that Udina thought that Kaidan might have only slowed Shepard down terrified her. She wanted to believe that Shepard would not be able to do something like that but even now Shepard was unreadable.

Shepard could see the other woman's unease. She had seen it in many other's faces before and would again as long as this war kept going as it was. Those who liked to pretend they were above combat always looked at her like that. She was a monster and they were not. She was heartless and made the impossible decisions without pity or remorse. Let them think that, it made things easier.

She sighs and shakes her head. That line of thought would not help right now. The adreline from her meeting must have had more of an effect on her than she had realized. Shepard turns to look at Liara for the first time. The Asari looked like she had been thrown in the emotional wringer, in dire need of consolation.

"I am sorry about bringing up your parents like that Li."

"No you were right. And my mother did try to redeem herself at the very end. That is what I want to remember. I miss her Shepard, I can't help but wonder how things would be different if she were here right now." Liara motions toward the chambers upstairs. "Do you…Do you miss your own?"

"I know it's horrible to say but I can't even remember what she looks like. Given what happened to the woman they captured on Mindoir I wonder if that was deliberate." She admits.

"I am sorry I brought it up then. Perhaps when this is all over I can look into it for you."

"Maybe." Shepard replies noncommittally. After their initial rough start Shepard had come to rely on Liara and her information and after the ordeal with the Shadow Broker she had come to trust her intentions if not her instincts about people. Since the Asari had rejoined the crew she had made it a point to seek her out more on her crew checks.

The Asari smiles and wraps her arms around Shepard's left arm and leaned her head on the human's shoulder. The negations would be difficult but having a contented Shadow Broker and a rebel Matriarch made it a little easier. Shepard leans into Liara for a few moments just looking at the view the Asari enjoyed so much.

"I guess we should get back to it then. I am gonna hit the Normandy for a few. Call me if you need me okay?"

* * *

A/N First off I am not a Liara fan so if anyone has any suggestions how to make her dialogue seem more genuine please feel free to let me know :) I have no problem admitting this chapter was a bear to write, in no small part because of my inabilities and a case of writers block.


	45. Chapter 45

Kaidan Alenko was by no means a gambling man. The occasional poker game with Vega was more a necessary distraction than a vice. But after having passed both Liara and Tali at the commons and having received no reply from his messages he was willing to bet he was being avoided. He would place money on it. Taking a casual stroll around the docks he noted both Garrus and Vega in their usual niches. But no Shepard.

Liara had informed him that their negotiations had been paused but that was all she offered. The look on her face told that she would rather be just about anywhere else however. He had messaged Shepard's account three times and gotten nothing back. Two hours had passed and he had stopped by both C-Sec and the Specter office. No commander.

_If I was on shore leave and wanted to be left alone where would I go? _

Twenty minutes later Kaidan made his second unapproved boarding of the SR-2.

_Define shore leave._ He grumbles to himself.

_She did tell you she doesn't know how to turn off_.  
A quick check if her room disappointing in its emptiness. But with a small smile he does however note the door unlocks without Edi's disapproving remarks. On a hunch Kaidan heads to the shuttle bay. The darkened room at first makes him think he misjudged but then he hears it.

Thump thump bang. Thump thump bang.

Over and over again in quick succession, the rhythm coming from the makeshift gym. Even in the dim lighting he can make out Shepard's form going to town on the punching bag. Right, left, right kick. Resquare left, right ,left kick. He notices with grim satisfaction that her dress blues were folded properly on the table nearby. Taking a few steps over he hears the music blasting coming from a device nearby. The sound of her routine had blocked it out until he had gotten close enough to hear over the racket. A few steps closer and her back is still to him. Another step and he raises the rooms' lights.

The image was not as he had pictured. Shepard in next to nothing was nice (truth be told this was the least he had seen her in since rejoining the crew) but he had not expected the bloodstains on the canvas or her hands and bare feet. Squinting in the abrupt light she looked almost feral. She was panting from the exertion but managed to look both annoyed and guilty for being caught at her apparent self-destructive actions. Appraising him silently for a moment her chest heaving she gives him a breathy " oh hey" as if she had bumped into him at the market.

To his credit Kaidan didn't openly gawk at the patchwork of bruises in various colors of repair that marred her body. Since their initial discussion several days ago the pieces had started to fall together. An off handed comment here and there and seeing Vega's not quite even set of training bruises had only confirmed what he had already suspected. Let Traynor speculate all she wanted, he had his answer.

The mental image of Shepard thoroughly beating a soldier who had a half a meter reach and at least 30 kilos on her was not exactly surprising. The lengths the two had gone to hide it however was almost comical. The fact that the Marine was so smug and openly flirtatious made it even better in Kaidan's opinion.

Regardless of the good vibs the morning had brought out whatever had happened in the conference had gotten under the Commander's skin. It had bothered her enough to show some rather aggressively self-destructive behaviors and with Shepard that was saying a lot. The stark difference between the giggling laughter at the birds earlier to her standing here with split knuckles was disturbing to say the least.

And all the while she stood here silently waiting for him to speak first. The line between her eyebrows creased but to her credit she neither fidgeted nor tried to hide her hands. Wordlessly she began to unwrap the material from her hands but her eyes remained fixed on him, giving nothing away.

"Does Chakwas know your pillaging her supplies for your own past times?"

"Gauze wouldn't have held up." She said simply, the material darkened with blood.

_What the hell is she so defensive about? _

"Looks like those didn't either Shep." He points out.

"What do you need Kaidan?" No joke, no jab just dismissal. Back to square one.

"Whats eating you Shep? I ran into Liara and hadn't heard from you." He points to her bare wrist and the growing pile of cloth on the floor. "I tried calling you but nothing."

She doesn't immediately answer and Kaidan could tell she was weighing her responses. She shifts her head from side to side working out a kink and he heard three distinct pops.

_She actually looks conflicted._ _Christ could it be that bad?_

"Just I dunno didn't get far I guess. Had some down time to kill so hoofed back here."

"Went bad I take it?"

She shrugs and turns back to the punching bag. Flexing her hands open and shut before nodding in approval that the trickle had stopped. Glancing at him out of the corner of her eye she sees he is not going to let this drop.

" Asari are stubborn. All of them. I guess it has to do with living 10 times longer than us. They deliberate and sit on their blue asses but humanity is the bully." She pushes the bag setting it swinging slowly.

"But they didn't say no."

"No they didn't" She admits. "But they are looking for an angle to say no. As scattered as they are they still think they can make demands. Pretentious bitches."

"Shep the worst they can do is say no. I know Thessia got to you but now the ball is in their court. "

She begins throwing half-hearted punches as the bag. There is something else he knows based on Liara's reluctant to talk to him. He can't claim to having the soldiers gut the way Shepard does but he has a sinking suspicion that he is not going to like it.

"There's more isn't there? I ran into Liara and she looked like my presence made her uncomfortable." He starts.

Without breaking rhythm she asks, her voice flat. "Do you remember Nihlus? "

"The Turrian specter on Eden Prime sure."

"He knew all about me before I even got on board. All the way back to basic. "Wanted to see me in action." Huh "she scoffs as she hooks a left. "Didn't work out that way but the Council went ahead and did it anyway."

Kaidan leans against the table where Shepard's uniform was folded. How this related to the Asari Councilor he had no idea but Shepard was not the kind of woman to just spill her thoughts even to him. She had deactivated her omnitool because she had wanted to be alone so best to use caution.

"While you were in the hospital was there something like that….?

"A visiting Specter? I don't think so." He had been on the SR-1 when Shepard had arrived. When Anderson and the Turrian had selected her to be the XO but he had never given the Specter much thought after Eden Prime. Too many things had happened to fast. But somehow now Shepard thought it was important.

_Shepard and her infamous gut._

"I must have missed your appointment Kaidan. I'm sorry you told me they were going to have a big party but I missed it." She was picking up speed now. Violet eyes intent on a spot on the bag.

"It wasn't anything big really just the councilors, quick like yours."

"Leave it to humanity to screw up the natural order of things. Two human Specters and the whole thing goes to hell."

"Yea well we were a bit too busy saving their asses to worry about formality."

Yes it had been quick but was there more to it? Did Tevos say something about him that got under Shepard's skin? That might have explained Liara's aversion to him. Trying to stay neutral in an inevitable conflict between the Specter and the Councilor.

"So what is this about? They want to revoke my Specter status because Udina pushed it thought?"

"No are you kidding. The way Baum tells it we are about to become an endanger species the longer this war goes on." She pauses to throw a haymaker sending the bag spinning. "Actually "she goes on bracing herself for a kick on the rebound. "it works out great for you. They want to give you a ship and Asari crew."

* * *

A/N Many thanks to all the new followers and favs! I love feedback and reviews of all kinds -R


	46. Chapter 46

The spinning of the punching bag was the only sound in the room. Kaidan just stood there, mouth agape. When Shepard had told him she wanted to convince Asari High Command that they needed to start having as Joker had so eloquently put it "a few less dancers and a few more Commandos" he knew it was a long shot. When she had said she planned on getting Tevos to suggest the idea to the Asari governments he thought she had lost it.

Now he saw just why she had been agonizing over these meetings. He was not sure if he should feel honored about the recommendation or more like the sacrificial lamb out for slaughter. The fact that he had not been summoned to the meeting meant that all this was still up in the air, far from decided. Things like this took time to arrange, a commodity they were fast running out of.

Shepard was motionless. Looking at him while attempting to keep a look of composure, but he knew better. The worry line between her eyebrows and her actions belied her motives.

_She doesn't want to lose you again._

The image of her from his hospital room video came to mind. The walls came down but only when she was alone.

"That's stupid. I'm not going." He said simply.

"What?!" She was obviously surprised. The great Commander Shepard who had orchestrated the Geth Quarrian alliance had not foreseen an Alliance Officer turning down the chance of getting their own ship.

"It's a stupid idea. Don't they know there is a war going on? "

"Isn't it what every Alliance officer wants? To eventually get their own command? "

"Maybe, and the idea of the crew being entirely female in tight fighting clothing isn't bad either but it still is not gonna happen." He countered.

In truth Alenko had thought about getting his own ship once or twice but that was prior to his quick promotions following the Eden Prime Wars, it had always seemed like something a long way off. Then Shepard had happened, and the SR- 1it was the last he had thought of it.

She was watching him now. Motionless and silent, she must have been arguing with herself internally. Image that he had managed to trip up the great Commander Shepard, he thought with a small bit of satisfaction. She had probably been down here working out contingency plans, new rotations and crew assignments while fighting against herself. And he had done was just to said no.

A smile spread across his face as Kaidan crossed his arms across himself. Finally she gives in.

"What?"

"You forgot the promise I made to you_ Commander"_ He puts just enough hitch in his tone to catch her attention.

"Which one would that be?"

"When I asked to join your crew. I promised you I had your back, no matter what."

He reaches forward and grabs her right hand bringing it to his lips softly. Gently rubbing his thumb across the split knuckles he looks deeply into her eyes and is relieved to see the worry line decrease ever so slightly.

_You are getting kinda good at reading her Alenko._

Shepard doesn't say anything for a long moment but she turns toward him, her shoulders lowering from their defensive stance. And just like that he knew he had won. There had been no need for an argument, no need for her to push him away; he had managed to convince her that he trusted her even if she did not trust herself.

"_I can get a salute from anyone on board. Can't you just give me a shoulder to lean?" _

He remembered how pissed Shepard had been when the Council had taken her ship away; the very same Council she was now trying to save for the …third time was it? As he recalled her knuckles were not as bad as they were now but the locker sure had a few good dents in it. The scene was oddly similar now that he thought about it.

"Kay? What are you thinking; you got a weird look in your eye."

"Just a weird sense of déjà vu is all. Come on let's get you medi-gelled up unless you really want to scare the Asari into acquiescing. "

Tilting her head, pretending to consider this idea for a moment before grabbing her folded uniform with her left hand and heading toward the elevator.

At the door to the loft Shepard has her hands full. With her folded uniform and the wrapped lengths of cotton one in each hand (careful so never to touch one another) and shifting on her sore feet she looks at Kaidan expectantly.

"You know you can get in, so do it." She gives a slight smirk and tilts her head towards the door.

"Yes Mad'am."

With a hint of amusement he sidesteps Shepard who manages to not cringe while walking on the outsides of her feet. The image of her hobbling like a penguin was not supposed to be comical but he couldn't help it.

" .word." She threatens halfheartedly. She HAD to be aware how ridiculous she looked.

She scoots her behind up on the workstation to get a better look the soles of her feet. Grimacing she reaches into the box that Kaidan had noticed before and pulled out a small unmarked jar. Kaidan heads to the bathroom and pulls a tube of medigel out of the first aid box.

On his way out his nose is assaulted by the smell of something minty and slightly lemony. Looking over at Shepard he sees her slathering something on the bottoms of her feet and looking rather smug. Noticing him looking at her in confusion, her response is to wiggle her toes with a satisfied "ahhhhh."

Pushing over the remaining datapads and sitting beside her, he grabs the jar of the offending goop. Clear glass and no label why would he have thought otherwise?

"So what part of this all seemed like a good idea?" He gives an annoyed look at her hands, feet and even the mystery menthol crap.

"Never did have a chance to rebuild up the callouses." She gripped." Took me 15 years to get them good and Cerberus didn't bother to put them back." Making a grabbing motion for the jar.

"And what the heck is this? And dare I ask where it even came from?" He makes a face at the smell.

"Namman Muay and actually Omega." He reluctantly hands the jar back over and holds up the medi-gel.

"Well you can bitch all you want but I am still closing those up." He opens the tube and takes her hand to inspect her knuckles. One thing about Shepard she never did things by halves. The skin on her knuckles looked like hamburger ground.

"Just like the old days eh Alenko?" She puts her head on his shoulder. "Still the best field medic I know."

"That's only because you would never go to Chakwas !" He protested but chuckled in spite of himself.

"Let me think about that, have Karin queen of the cold hands nag me or have a sexy LT fuss over me and check me all over for entry wounds."

"You're kidding!" But he knew she wasn't. Her response is only a playful nip on his shoulder as he reaches for her left hand. Now looking back he would have of course noticed it if he hadn't been so busy noticing how well she filled out her armor.

"Next you're going to tell me that is why you never wore heavy armor either." Putting an edge of indignation in his voice that he really didn't feel.

"Hell no. I can't move in that crap. Remember how Ashley used to struggle in it? Surprised the heck out of me when I saw you on Horizon in medium and now in the Alliance S.I? I don't know how you manage to use your biotics at all. Must explain the new muscle tone." She runs her free hand across his stomach before wrapping her arm around his waist, the rest of her pressed nicely against his side.

"You are still a horrible tease Shep." He says releasing her hand to meet her gaze.

"Me?! What happened to "There are benefits to that happines." at Apollo?! " To her credit her impression of Kaidan's gravelly voice was almost as funny as it was out of place. "I'm still waiting Alenko!"

Kaidan laughs in spite of himself. "You're not gonna let that go are you?"

"Well you ARE still on shore leave. " Her raises her eyebrows and bites her lip wickedly.

"Tempting, tempting. "He admits. "But if you were ignoring me for three hours. Who else were you not getting messages from?" He reluctantly pulls her arms off his waist and goes to stand so Shep can get to the work station. As she sits down he could swear he heard her huff "spoilsport."

_And this ladies and gentlemen is our savior of the galaxy. _ He grins to himself,f standing behind her at the desk. Reaching out he runs his fingers affectionately through her hair. Leaning into his touch, she begins to sign into the account which at once begins to beep.

A small shake of her head as if to tell him "see I told you so." She gives a small throaty chuckle as a message comes in to her private account. Not bothering to hide the screen from Kaidan's view Shepard looks at the time stamp and confirms it with the current time. The message was only one line and unsigned but it must have been what Shepard was waiting on.

_I have arrived. _Was all it said.

"Guess your shore leave just got cancelled Major." She looks up at him through the reflection of the blackened screen.


	47. Chapter 47

The first two human Specters were waiting inside Councilor Tevos antechamber. As usual Shepard was pacing, her nose buried in readouts. In less than an hour Shepard had cleaned up and arranged the meeting. As far as Kaidan knew Liara was still working with her father to try to gain support and would not be joining them for this round. But the advisor that Shepard had been waiting on had yet to make herself apparent yet either.

Leaning against the glass, he folds his arms watching Shep pace like a caged animal. By now it was well into the evening and new war reports were coming in that she had to take care of. All the more reason to get these meetings over and done with ASAP.

"You always did clean up nice." Kaidan remarks appreciatively. "Wish you could have gotten the skirt thought."

Shepard had put on her Dress Blues and even managed to press it respectably with the steam from her shower. Hard to believe that suit had traveled halfway across a war-ravaged galaxy crumpled in a gunnysack to make its way back to its forlorn owner. Although Kaidan supposed that it fitted the woman who was wearing it, when you considered everything Shepard had done in the past year. The dark blue brought out the purple in her eyes and the cut certainly did not hurt her form even in pressed pants.

It took her a moment to respond but Kaidan could see that she had heard him by the slightest twitch in the corner of her mouth. She finished up reading whatever she was looking at before turning on her heels to look at him.

"But then I would have had to go shoe hunting. It's bad enough I had to raid Samantha's hair-thingys." She made a grab at the fabric holding back her hair that was still just too short to be tied back.

"Thingy? Seriously? It's called a headband Shep." He was chuckling at her annoyance. "Not exactly regulation either I might add."

"Neither is your perpetual 6oclock shadow but you don't hear me complaining. Besides I don't think the Asari will be giving us the once over for dress." She crossed her arms and gave him that eyebrow quirk that informed him that he was clearly missing the meaning behind what she was saying.

"Regardless, you look great. Take the damn compliment. _Commander."_

Before Shepard had a chance to reply both their omnitools begin beeping, alerting them that the meeting was cleared to begin. Making a grandiose arm sweep in the direction of the door Shepard bows.

"After you Specter Alenko." He supposed with a show like that he should have known to expect the quick goose to his rear end and the low giggle before they entered the meeting room and Shepard put on her best behavior.

"Major, Commander. Thank you for joining me here. I know it has been a very busy few days for you and your crew." Tevos starts almost immediately as the three of them are seated.

"No more so than for you and Asari High Command. "Shepard replies matching the Councilors gracious demeanor. As much as Shep bitched about hating politics, it being a waste of time he had to admit he was impressed to see her in negotiations. Maybe Bailey had a point when he said she should be the next councilor when all this was over. But he was getting way to ahead of himself; they had a war to win after all.

But unlike the Asari in front of him Shepard had nothing to gain in this endeavor and she had almost single handedly gotten both the Turrian Krogan and the Quarrian Geth alliances which Tevos had brushed off as impossible. The Asari had claimed too much bad blood between the governments had made the alliance impossible but in the face of the Reapers Shepard had pulled it off.

Now there was an interesting thought. Maybe the reason the Asari Councilor was so resistant to accept Shepard's help now when the attempt was obviously genuine was because even with her platitudes and politicking she was annoyed that a young race had managed to do what she herself said was impossible. And a Specter to boot, the lawless council secret police had done it when the Council had been unable to.

Even with Shepard being the first human Specter it was clear that she was not under the councils thumb but acting for the interests of everyone and not just the Council species. Hell the Elcor evacuation that they had just arranged since the fall of Thessia proved that beyond any doubt. Shepard had managed Drell, Volus even Baterian rescues attempts in their journeys. All the more reason the Asari had to see reason in the face of annihilation.

"And I assume you have discussed my offer with the Major, Commander? I will have the ship here within a day to arrange transport and personal. Supplies will be light but I don't think there will be a shortage of recruits."

Tevos was looking at Kaidan as if she was already three steps ahead of the process. He hazarded a glance at Shepard but he was not surprised to see her sitting this one out. Her lips were pressed into a thin line but her expression was unreadable. This was after all his decision, he could change his mind now and she wouldn't stop him.

"While I appreciate your vote of confidence Councilor that will not be happening. One Alliance biotic will not be able to turn Asari maidens into soldiers. We all know that and it would be a waste of lives if we even tried in the limited time we have been given." He waits for Tevos's mouth to close before continuing. She had obviously not expected this part of the so called "negotiations".

"However, I would be more than happy to advise the person who does run the project. The Commander and I have even discussed some of the logistics of running a small covert operation." He gives his best cool demeanor smile (he was nowhere as practiced as Shepard after all).

Tevos looked from one Specter to another as if they were leading her to a thresher maws nest. Sitting back in her seat she gives a slow nod and looks between the two before asking the all-important question.

"I am correct to assume you have a suitable alternative then?"

Shepard finally lets the smallest of smiles peak through as she pecks out a code and the door opens a few seconds later. The sound of heeled boots echoes back to their ears and out of the corner of Kaidan's eye he notices Shepard leaning back just out of range of Tevos and lets him see her satisfied grin before turning her gaze to the woman who now held the Councilor's unbelieving gaze.

"Good Evening Councilor. It is good to see you again." Justicar Samara greeted the other Asari in her normal monotone.

"A justicar?! I thought they were all…" Tevos stands and gives a respectful bow as Samara comes to stand beside Shepard. The two both unreadable to Kaidan who was still inwardly smiling at the Asari Councilor's stammering. When Shepard had confided her idea to Kaidan he had known Tevos would be the biggest obstacle but Shep had thought the sight of Samara might make her more pliable.

"Samara headed to Earth while her sisters went to Thessia. She has seen front line combat and how desperate the situation really is. I can think of no one better to train your people. No one I would trust more with such a vital task." Shepard says with a nod to the Justicar.

"With such a blow dealt to your home world I think seeing a Justicar would bolster your cause. Your people need to know that all is not lost. Even in the rubble of a monastery on Lesuss you will be able to preserve your faith. I think it rather poetic don't you?"

" Lesuss makes tactical sense too." Kaidan jumps in. "It had a low population and was secluded. After the temple was destroyed there is no reason for the Reapers to return there. As long as you don't start rebuilding space ports or Illium's market district you will go unnoticed."

"I still have misgivings about the the ardat-yakshi you told me is still there." The Councilor had the tone of someone who knew she was beat. To defy Shepard and Kaidan was one thing. To deny possibly the last surviving member of an honored ancient order was another altogether.

"You said it yourself Madam Councilor. Every life is precious. Falare has remained at the monastery for over 400 years by her own choice. During the attack she displayed courage and honor. She is more than willing to train others to fight against those who took her sister. Even if she herself can't go." Shepard said her voice cool but persistent.

"As a Justicar I am code bound to make sure no harm comes to those in my care. "

"I will have to make some new arrangements. If you all would excuse me." Tevos takes her leave looking both more put together and hopeful than Kaidan had seen her since becoming a Specter.

The door wooshes shut and both women wait a full minuet before dropping appearances. Samara manages a small but very lovely smile and Shepard breaks into the full cheesy grin that makes her nose crinkle up. She turns to the Justicar.

"See? I told you it would work."

"So you did Shepard. I must say you never cease to surprise me, even at my age." A low chuckle and Samara takes Shepard's hand into her own. "I cannot thank you enough for this. I regret leaving Earth but even I alone could do little to help."

"All the more reason you will be great at this. Besides you and Falere need each other now. You should take your own advice."

The Justicar looks pensive for a moment before dipping her head and nodding slowly. She looks at Shepard's hands in her own gloved ones. A woman of few words Kaidan knew but worlds away from his first encounter with her when she had almost taken her own life in front of them. A mother, who had killed one of her daughters, saw the fate of another and refused to act on the last that she now would be spending what might be her final days with.

"Today more than ever I am glad I did not need to fulfill the final command under my third oath." She pauses bringing her eyes up to meet Shepard's. "But there are arrangements to be made and much to do." The Justicar turns and is about to leave back the way she came as Shepard calls to her.

"D24. And I assume you will want your old room back." Shepard says with a chuckle, shaking her head as the Asari exits.

No sooner than the door closes than Shepard throws herself at Kaidan, wrapping her arms around his neck with a laugh.

"Oh my god. I almost can't believe we pulled that off!" Her voice muffled into his neck.

"We? That was all you Shep. I don't even know what the hell just happened. I just had a part to play." He links his hands around her waist and chuckles.

"Better alert Francis Kitt than because you played that flawlessly Major. " She looks up at him, suddenly thoughtful. "You didn't have to decline Kay, not because of me. You are gonna make one hell of a Captain."

Kadian tilts her head up and kisses her quickly. "Together in the beginning. Together until the end Shep. They could offer me a whole armada it wouldn't matter."

Shepard looks startled by his words almost as much as his kiss. "Damn good thing Tali is spoken for than you sap." But she is grinning again.

"Shep? What was that Samara was saying, something about her last oath to you or whatever?" The Justicars words seemed out of place but he knew if she had brought it up they must have had a deeper meaning between the women.

"You're not going to like it." She warns, gesturing to the table and Kaidan shakes his head.

"You drank like a gallon of coffee. Let's walk." He turns and leads them out to the few remaining flowering trees in the Presidium. "So you got a Justicar to swear an oath of loyalty to you." He began.

"Until the battle with the Collectors was over and she would be released. "Shepard admitted.

"And she was with you and Garrus at the final battle." He remembered Thane's account of the events.

"I asked her what her Code could and could not allow. She thought I was trying to ask her to do something "unjust". " Shepard monotoned the last word as he could image the Justicar would have.

"But you weren't?" The idea of Shepard doing something that would blatantly defy a code so ridged was not so difficult to image but why were they talking about it almost a year after the fact? And Samara thanking Shepard for preventing her from doing it.

"The Collectors were targeting human colonies. I had a mostly human crew. I had to get them back to the ship safely." She started her eyes far away, remembering. "The final push I couldn't have a human team. " She explained. "But I knew no matter what the cost I couldn't let the Reapers get their hands on the codex. And neither could Cerberus. I knew Garrus would never go along with it. So I made it part of her honor code to make sure it…I….was not recoverable if I should show signs of indoctrination."

* * *

A/N Sorry for the long delay! Hope the length of this chapter kind of makes up for it. In case it is not clear in this chapter I LOVE LOVE Samara and was very happy to see her romance worked on in the new DLC (youtube if you don't know about the "secret romance")

Welcome to all the new readers/followers. I have played through MOST of Citadel DLC but have not decided if it will change much of anything in this story. Maybe work in some Wrex cameo...? Let me know what you guys think.

-Raven


	48. Chapter 48

Kadian stood there for what felt like hours. He desperately wanted to disbelieve what Shepard had just told him. But everything Garrus had told him about the early days of the SR-2, everything he had heard from Thane and how he knew Shepard covered all her bases and always had a backup plan made a grim kind of sense. It was just the kind of thing she would have done without hesitation.

_She had ordered an Asari Justicar to make sure her body was not recoverable._

The same Justicar who had watched over Shepard as she had fought off the Reapers in her unending nightmares. The same Justicar who had murdered her own daughter for a genetic trait she had passed onto her. The same woman who had traveled to Earth and back in the days since leaving her last child alone on a dead word.

And the same Justicar that Kaidan was going to advise on saving her people and way of life. A nearly 1000 year old woman who would have been the executioner of the woman he loved without a pause.

Kaidan felt unimaginably cold. The image of Shepard thrashing in her sleep and the Asari watching over her as he himself had done the night before filled him with apprehension not comfort.

_And Shepard had asked, no ordered, her to do it. _That made it even worse.

"Shepard…" There was nothing he could say. Scold her for accepting her own death so easily? Make her promises they both knew he couldn't keep? Give her reasons to live a year too late?

He could see the hardened look in her face. The Commander who would not have her orders questioned. It was in the past and she had warned him he would not like it. She had warned him and been correct. He had not liked it but he had to accept it. She was the Commander even it cost her.

"It's done." She grits her teeth, turning away.

"Shepard… I don't know what to say." He tugs at her elbow, trying to turn her back toward him.

"There is nothing to say. I was legally dead, Anderson had his intel. If things went bad it was damage control. End of story." She was not looking at him, but her fists were balled up.

"How can you talk like that? Like there was no other option."

"Maybe there was one Kaidan, but I sure as hell didn't see it. I was working for the enemy, you were quick to point that out to me on Horizon. I had good, loyal people that I planned on getting home. I had repurposed Protheans to get rid of. Everything else was secondary. Including me."

"We can't afford to lose you Shepard. I can't lose you Shepard." He takes her hand and puts it to his chest. Finally she relaxes just the smallest bit and looks at him.

" Kaidan… You know the stakes are even higher now. Are you sure you want this? The chances of both of us getting out of this…." She was trying to push him away emotionally. Trying to protect him should the worst happen but he was not going to allow that. Not this time.

"Are higher than anyone else in the galaxy. I know you Shepard. I believe in you, even if you don't. Why else would I go along with your crazy plans?"

"Because they have you on a planet filled with young innocent Asari maidans?" She smiles in spite of herself.

"If I didn't know better Shep. I would say you are jealous."

Shepard rolls her eyes but leaves her hand on his chest. He chuckles and runs a finger along the side of her face, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear. A moment to steal away and keep forever, he thinks.

"I love you Kaidan. I suck at showing it most of the time but I do." She says finally, catching him off guard. It was the first time she had ever said it, not since Mars anyway.

"I know." He leans in and kisses her softly. "And I am going to spend every day of the rest of our _long_ lives together showing you.

"You really are amazing." She hazards a glance at her omnitool alert which was lit up like a Christmas Tree and sighs.

"It's getting late. I already extended shore leave until tomorrow. You got plans?" She asked almost shyly. He was not about to let that go unnoticed.

"6 kids, a dog, and a vacation house on Rannoch." He replies as if his response was the most natural in the world.

"Kay I meant for toni….wait six?!" She looks at him an odd mix of surprise, indignation and maybe even a touch of happiness?

He can't help it. He laughs. If he could live in these moments he would. The look of surprise on Shepard's face is priceless, as if the idea of them having a normal life one day had never crossed her mind. Well to be fair for all they had talked about it maybe it honestly never had. Something to file away for later.

"Oh tonight? Aside from breaking my code of conduct in full view of Council? I really hadn't given it much thought." He bluffs.

She looks up at him, obviously suspicious but for once in her life deciding not to press the matter.

"Well I have to have a chat with Aria sooner or later. It's not like it being late means anything in a club. If you don't want to go with I totally understand. "Her voice betraying the sliver of hope that he might back out.

"Are you kidding? Last time I missed you in Purgatory Cortez had to give me the vid." He teased. Her eyes go wide.

"He didn't!"

"No. But hearing Vega beg for them was probably almost as good as seeing you dance with Jack."

"Fine fine" she sighs dejected. "But I need you to trust me. Aria's got motive for everything she does. And she needs to feel in control."

"And you two have a history so she will try to use me against you." He finishes for her. Shepard nods, her lips a tight line.

"Nothing she can say will change anything Shep. If you don't think I can help just say so."

She grits her teeth before deciding. "Come on. I could use a few drinks anyway."

The music was too loud. The club was to dark and the people here were too wasted for Kaidan's taste. Shep had called it right when she had said he was never a club person. The last time he remembered being in a real club….Had it really been Flux? The image of Shepard doing her now infamous "white girl" dance in full armor and dragging him onto the dance floor sprang to mind. A happier time he thought to himself. Her ridiculous antics even got Doran the Volus owner to hit the floor, and he probably danced better than the two of them combined.

He finished off his glass and looked over to Shepard who had four shot glasses flipped upside down in front of her. He slid his hand to the small of her back and she gives him a faint smile. Like the place or not he had followed her into worse and always would.

"Last chance to back out Alenko." She says barely heard over the din of the club.

"Not gonna happen. Let's go before I have to carry you back to the ship." He tilts his head back in the direction of the stairs. She moves past him and he could swear he heard her muttering "promises, promises." The warmth of her hands on his waist as she slides past him does not go unnoticed.

A human male stops them within eyeshot of Aria and Kaidan manages to bite his lip when he notices the man getting handsy with Shepard. She was more than capable of taking care of herself after all; the array of marks on Vega proved that. Finally he steps aside and lets her past. His own turn does not take nearly as long before he too is standing at the long red couch and the pirate queen.

"Look who's here." The Asari looking at Shepard with a cold distain. Neither greeting nor invitation.

"Looks like you have settled in nicely Aria."

"Spare me the pleasantries Shepard we both know you want something or else you wouldn't have contacted me. Word is you and your little biotic boy-toy got Tevos in a tizzy."

To her credit Shepard manages to look almost bored as she leans over and helps herself to a glass on the table besides her. She takes a sip and looks over the people in the bar before responding.

"Maybe I am just stopping in; see how you are for old times' sake?"

Aria scoffs derisively. "Old time sake for a human is a little different than for an Asari. Besides "old times' sake" was me helping you get your Archangel out mostly alive. And the doctor."

"And in exchange I took care of an Ardat-Yakshi and removed a Justicar who would have torn a bloody path through rival gangs in your streets. Well blood-ier. "Shepard is still looking at people in the crowd but Aria is now intent on her.

"Wonder where you learned that from. Certainly not from your Alliance." She says with a slick smile. To Shepard's credit she does not take the bait.

"Had a couple teachers along the way that I do things for once in a while. Speaking of which where is Lizzy?" Shepard apparently decides whoever she was looking for was not there and turns to the Pirate Queen.

"She's dead." Aria spits, "Patriarch too so don't bother pretending to look."

"What?!" Shepard seems genuinely surprised, losing her air of indifference. Kaidan looks at her and for a moment Shepard almost looks sad..? She turns toward Aria he head tilted to the left, an odd gesture.

"Aria… I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I lost a lot of my men. They were no different."

Shepard looks about to say something but decides against it. She takes another sip to let Aria make the next move. The Asari reaches into her pocket and removes a small electronic device with a button and a small read out screen.

"Tevos contacted me to ask about your plan. I told her it was a long shot but worth a go. "She looks up from the handheld to Shepard. " Of course it would be easier with a few squadrons of Commandos to help, Your Broker and daddy are coming through I take it?"

"You know how it goes. Every Matriarch has a few Commandos that could train Maidens should the need arise." Shepard has her eyes keyed in on two Asari dancers that until Kaidan had not noticed before. Now that he had it seemed they were paying a bit too much attention to their little corner for supposed drunken dancers .A look passes between Aria and Shepard and the Asari nods.

"Maybe. But I am not gonna commit to a dead cause. I lost enough of my people just getting here."

"You don't think we can do it?" Shepard asks amused.

"You don't even know what you are trying to do. Thessia fell because the Asari thought they were too good to get their hands dirty. Why do you think Tevos makes back room deals with me? So she can pretend to be above it all. You really think one Justicar on her last big hurrah and a human soldier can turn the tide on a dying race?" She gestures with the device at Kaidan but her eyes never leave Shepard.

"You know as well as I do what the Reapers and the Collectors did to the Terminus in less than two years. Cerberus is taking advantage of the chaos. Do you really think now is the time to bide our time or do you think it is time to act. We might even get to employ violence."

The two women appraised each other before the Pirate Queen gives a little smirk. Looking back at the device in her hand she turns back to Shepard.

"And you think a human biotic can hold his own." The doubt clear in the Asari's face.

"You will have to ask him yourself. " Shepard gestures to Kaidan and then the device.

Kaidan had seen similar devices before back at BaAt. They could test biotic potential in a subject and the tests were usually less than pleasant. He looks at Shepard before nodding. Without moving Aria presses a button on the readout. Kaidan feels like a shock and his amp feels like it is on fire.

Just like that it is over. He can feel his pulse in his teeth but buries it down. How much of this was for show and how much was the Pirate Queen's way of testing both the humans he didn't know. Uncomfortable as it was it sure beat a needle in the spine.

The device chirps and Aria looks surprised before shaking her head.

"Leave it to you PJ. You manage to track down one of the last L2's that haven't taken a dirt nap or an extended stay in a padded room."She hazards a quick glance at the two." We might be able to work something out." She finally concedes.

Shepard gives a slight nod, her face still unreadable. She takes a sip of her drink and scans the crowd again. Following her gaze he notes the two Asari from earlier have melded into the crowd and vanished. She puts her drink down and leans forward.

"I'm in. Set it up and I'll help. For Liselle."


	49. Chapter 49

Their business with the Pirate Queen concluded Shepard and Kaidan take their leave. Not a moment too soon in Kaidan's case either. That device might have been relatively nonintrusive but it had triggered a full blow migraine and his neck was still burning while his amp cooled down.

Managing to walk down the stairs and follow Shepard's lead, he is lost in his own pain. The doors of the club swish shut blocking some of the music before Shepard turns to him her concern evident. For appearances sake she had not offered to help him within eye shot of anyone who might report back in to Aria.

"How are you holding up?" Her voice low so not to aggravate his pounding head more.

"I'll live. Not what I was expecting but I've had worse." His hand absently rubs the nape of his neck where the amp lies buried.

"Well its past 0300, you have got to be beat. You gonna head back to dry dock and catch some rest? I got a few things I can handle on my own."

"Maybe if I had some good incentive. Otherwise I'll grab some meds and manage for myself."

As they exit the outer doors of the club Shepard leads them over to the skycar. Leaning against the side panel she folds her arms and looks up at him. The worry line clearly visible between her brows.

"I don't know who made it back to the ship yet but the loft will be quiet. You need to get somewhere secluded. If I know Samara she already reclaimed the observation deck. Looks like we'll have to bunk up, XO."

"Like you didn't invite her to "reclaim" her old room. You planned it all along. "

The ups and downs of the day were finally starting to get the best of him. His stomach was rumbling and his head was breaking apart. He hated when Shepard knew his limits better than he did. One of the things that made her such a good Captain, but such an irritating girlfriend.

"You win. I'm gonna grab some food and head back. Be careful okay? We don't know how many more Balak's there are gunning for you."

"No promises I can't keep remember? But I'll try, I'll see you later."

Back on the Normandy Kaidan makes his way to the Crew deck quietly. Managing to fix himself some of Gardner's leftovers without disturbing those sleeping in the bunks nearby( most of which still appear empty). The room is eerily quiet, the med bay darkened as he signs himself out some meds and returns to the mess table.

He supposed he could have brought his food upstairs and eaten in the Captain's room but regardless of his status both as XO and Shepard's boyfriend it felt like an invasion of her privacy to hang out there needlessly.

"Major, I did not expect to see you here tonight." The even voice from the darkness almost makes him jump out of his skin.

Silently a pair of eyes takes shape out of the darkened hallway. Without another sound Samara steps into the singular light Kaidan had turned on over the mess table. He had known she was probably on the ship but had not given much thought into running into her in a now vacant mess hall in the wee hours of the night.

She was standing just in the corona of the light. She had not approached nor spoken but had chosen to make herself known to him when obviously she could have just let him brood in the darkness. For a second he felt bad for being so apprehensive about the woman that Shepard held in such high regard, but given the two women's prior arrangement he could hardly feel at ease under her ice blue gaze.

" Samara good to see you again. You are welcome to join me." He motions to the seat across from him. With a cats grace she takes it and holds her hands on the table.

_Great just what I need, her to watch me eat._

Sensing his discomfort she rises again a few moments later and walks over to the prep station and opens two cabinets before returning with a mug of a strongly scented liquid. Apparently whatever she had taken was still in stock. He noted she also knew exactly where things we kept.

"Not coffee but smells familiar." He remarks around a mouthful of chipped beef.

_Classy Alenko. And you are going to be working side by side with this woman? You can't even break the ice with her._

"Yes Shepard introduced me to it. Lemongrass tea." She wraps her long fingers around the mug with slow deliberate motions. The first real show of something almost like an emotion he had seen since leaving Lessus from the Justicar.

"I even replenished the Normandy's supply with my recent travels into human territory." She puts the mug down to focus on Kaidan. Without being consciously aware of it he sits up straighter. Being under the gaze of the Justicar was like being back in basic and under scrutiny of a girlfriends disapproving mother rolled into one.

"You have no reason to fear me Major. If I could stomach being ship bound with Zaeed and the young Krogan I assure you that we will find common ground."

"It's not that. I got to know Thane in the hospital before his death and he spoke very highly of you."

Kaidan was not sure how to address his discomfort in what Shepard had ordered the woman to do. It was much as Thane had said of his own profession, the Justicar was the pinnacle of all that is Just in the universe. A code that leaves no room for interpretation or forgiveness was a bit too stark for Alenko's comfort.

"Thane was a good man. He was the one who convinced me to visit my children when the war began. I owe him much thanks, as I do to Shepard as well."

Kaidan was almost tempted to ask how her code allowed her to be friendly with a hired assassin but he was not sure he wanted to know. His migraine was still in full swing and trying to wrap his head around the relationships that had developed on the SR-2 was complex enough without pain meds to dull his head.

Finishing up his plate he gets the feeling that Samara wants to say something to him so he leans back, meeting those ice blue eyes. The Justicar seemed to be appraising him before she continued their stilted conversation.

"You are tired and pained Major. Let it be enough to comfort you that I respect Shepard and consider her the closest I have had to a friend or loved one in many centuries. Regardless of what you think of me or my methods I shall serve her and by extension you, to the best of my abilities even without an oath of fealty." She pauses and smiles at him for the first time since entering the room.

"And it speaks well of your character that she cares for you so much even when she was at her worst. I think we shall forge a similar working relationship."

She stands and with a silent nod is gone, back into the darkness of the Crew deck. Something about her last words had a sense of déjà vu that made him feel uneasy. His biotic stomach satiated he was beginning to feel the effects of the medications. The auras from the lights were something he had learned to ignore a long time ago but the sense of vertigo as he stood and headed back toward the elevator was something he had not experienced since the attack on Horizon.

Taking Shepard's advice he heads to the loft which was of course still vacant. Not bothering with the lights since the fish tank provided enough illumination he makes his way toward the bed. Of course, he had not had the foresight to ask the Asari to let him into the Observation Deck to take some clothes Kaidan was resigned to strip down into his underpants and crawl into the blissfully still bed.

"Regardless of what you think of me or my methods. I still serve." Samara had said that but it sounded so familiar. In the still darkness just as sleep was about to take hold of him, it comes to him. The image of Shepard on Horizon. Her face a patchwork of orange scars and fresh cuts. She had tried to convince him that she was still Marine to the core but he wouldn't have it. Garrus and Mordin with her but it might as well have been only them on the colony. She had been torn apart on the inside but keeping up appearances of calm on the outside.

The last thing Kaidan thinks before falling into the darkness is that if Shepard had gotten the support she needed then, how would things be different now? Didn't he owe the same thing to the Justicar who had sacrificed so much.

* * *

Wooohoo 49 chapters! trying to decide how I should celebrate 50 XD

As you can tell my update schedule is all kinds of crazy so if you have not yet you may just want to follow the story.

Thanks to everyone for follows/reviews what have you. I love hearing from you guys.-Raven


	50. Chapter 50

Steve Cortez was halfway through his third drink at the lower bar in Purgatory when he heard the unmistakable sound of one Lt James Vega. Even over the drone of the base from the speakers, he could make out the familiar clomping of his less than subtle friend.

It was late, not that that meant much on the Citadel much less Purgatory but he had been considering calling it a night. Watching the people dance had its amusements but being wasted this early in the morning on his second day of impromptu shore leave did not appeal to the flight lieutenant He had noticed Joker and EDI take their leave and had considered doing the same until he had gotten a message from Vega saying he was on his way over.

"Late as usual Mr. Vega." He says by way of greeting and slides a beer over to his friend.

"Yeah,yeah. Not my fault every grunt wants to buy me a drink when they hear I am arms master on the SSV Normandy." Even in the boast, Vega sounded more gruff than usual.

While not plastered Steve could tell Vega was well on his way.

_Better keep him off the stronger stuff._

"Keep drinking like that Mr. Vega and those ladies will have plenty of other stories to tell by morning."

"Nah nothing like that Estaban. Besides it beats watching the show." Vega's face darkens and he grumbles into his bottle. Now Steve was curious.

"What's this now? Suddenly gyrating females no longer interest Vega? I'll have to alert the extranet.

"No, not that show. That. _Them." _He gives a jerk of his head toward the VIP area. Standing to get a better view over the crowd, Cortez is surprised to see the Commander and Major sitting and having drinks with Aria T'loak. However, the Pirate Queen was barely on Vega's radar judging by his friends insulted man pout.

_Oh boy here we go._

"I mean don't get me wrong. The Major's alright but I just don't _get_ it. Ya'know?"

"You're jealous."

Cortez sits back down at the stool besides the other man. As much as he enjoyed giving the larger man shit Steve knew that Vega was generally a good guy. A bit dense, a lot full of himself, but overall he was a decent person and a good friend which was something that meant a lot when the whole galaxy was going to hell in a hand basket.

"What? No! I mean so what? he has that crazy biotics but so what? And on Mars I thought she was gonna tear him apart."

"Right but then things went sideways and he got hurt, made Specter and rejoined us. We have all come a long way in six months. Even you Lieutenant."

"Yeah right. We both know that N7 thing is never going to happen. Hell at first I thought Shepard suggested it just as a way to...well you know."

Cortez cannot help but chuckle. The big man had gotten more than he bargained for in several ways with that setup. Before the gym had been set up Vega had been strutting around like king rooster, just waiting for his chance to show off to his idol. That was until she beat him thoroughly in less than 2 minutes (not that his pride would let Vega admit that of course.)

"Ok let's say I believe that. On Earth before the attack you were the only person aside from Anderson Shepard was allowed to see. How well did you get to know Shepard then?"

"Didn't. She was under arrest, wasn't allowed to talk to anyone. They intercepted her mail and everything." Vega didn't see how this was supposed to cheer him up. Usually Cortez was a lot better at this.

"Right. But she asked for news and little bits of information when you came by. Didn't you ever think she needed someone just to you know talk to? You saw the Collectors, knew what had happened out in the Terminus."

"Yea but she is Commander Shepard. She does things like that on a yearly basis. Mindoir, Elyssium, Citadel, Collectors" Vega lists them off slinking deeper into his drink as if that should explain everything he was trying to convey. Cortez leans over and slaps his friend on the back.

"And that Mr. Vega is why you will always be a grunt to her. A good solider, a respectable guy to have at your back but not someone she hangs out with at the bar." Vega had taken particular offence to the fact that she had met up with Steve at the bar and neither had invited him along.

"Your hero worship doomed you my friend. Admiral Anderson handpicked you because you were a sympathetic ear when Shepard hit Earth. They served together for years; he knew she needed someone while the Alliance let her languish."

"I dun get it."

Cortez shakes his head. Sometimes explaining things to Vega was like fixing the Trident. If you cannot get it to work right head on you have to back off and try another access point.

"When Shepard told me to go to the hanger and watch the ships she didn't do it as my XO, she did it as a friend. She came to the Memorial wall with me and just stood there. She was not in her uniform, she wasn't giving a speech. She was just being a friend when I needed it. "

"Yeah I guess so. Like Garrus giving her shit about driving the Mako. Or the doc and her drinking in med bay where the whole mess could see."

"Exactly. Tell me if Toni were still alive you wouldn't have him sitting here between us going shot for shot?" Cortez had heard the man compare Shepard to his old Commander several times before.

"Hell yeah! But Lola she's different. "

Cortez chuckles and signals for another round for the two before continuing.

"She is only different because of how you see her. Remember the soldiers at the bar you had her by a round for? Talk all the shit you want, you are the same as them. You list off her accomplishments without taking into account the kicks in the pants she has gotten along the way. You just get to see her in person more than they do."

"Ugh! All right all right. Damnit Dr. Love you are so annoying when you are right." Vega shakes his head laughing in spite of himself. Scoping up the beer Cortez ordered he sits up and takes a long pull from the bottle.

"So what is your advice Doc?"

"Today? Finish that bottle and find an Asari dancer to kill some time with. Later go chat up that Adler's reporter and practice your Rico Suave on her."

"That I can do." Vega says with a lecherous grin. One day James Vega was going to find out that he was not half so charming as he thought he was. But today was not that day and Cortez would not be the one to tell his friend, regardless.

After the round the two Lt's make their way away from the bar and toward the dance floor. Cortez notices the VIP area is still occupied but that was not his concern tonight. It is not long before they are approached by two Asari dancers that seemed to materialize out of thin air and Vega wastes no time practicing his so-called charms. Even going so far as to introduce his good friend "Dr. Estaban Love" to the women who had made a beeline for the two men once they had spotted them in the crowd.

Vega was going to have a very hard time once Steve was done with the armor masters procurements. Pay back was always fair when these two were involved. If he had to play wingman for Vega with these two it sure beat watching James mope but he was not about to let Vega think this was _acceptable _friend behavior_._

The two Asari introduced themselves as Shar and Plava. Or was it Plava and Shar? Steve was too far gone to remember exactly. But Vega was more than willing to do the talking. Did the girls know they were both Lieutenants? Oh yea seen plenty of action, had they by chance heard of a ship called the Normandy? Steve noticed the look passed between the two Asari that Vega took as a good sign.

_OH Mr. Vega you are going to have a hard time indeed. _Cortez thinks but he can't help grinning as he watches his friend preform for the two ladies. Yes it was good to be alive, and in good company.

* * *

Digital cookies for anyone who gets the reference with the girl's names. Decided to go with a little bit of a lighthearted chapter for the big 50.

Happy Holiday to all!


	51. Chapter 51

Kaidan stood at the threshold of the Geth Dreadnought, Tali nervously wringing her hands together while they waited for the docking bay door to disengage. It was good to see her again but the circumstances as usual were less than ideal. Also as usual Shepard had grabbed the bull by the horns and said she would go in first and the "docking team" he and Tali would wait.

That was 10 minutes ago and the radio silence was beginning to make him nervous. He did not want to make Tali more on edge, he knew she had more than enough riding on this mission but the stillness was not comforting him in the slightest.

He was aware of his own breathing echoing back in his helmet, but something about it seemed off, ragged and hollow. It took him a moment to realize it was not his own breathing he was listening to but over the radio a transmission of someone closeby.

_Shepard._ His mind knew without a doubt.

"Shepard. Are you okay?" His voice betraying his concern.

"_Kaidan….I …I can't" _She radios in on local transmission. She sounded on the edge of a panic attack. Magnetic boots or not the idea of getting spaced a second time had unnerved her.

"_The platform fell away. I can't get back_." Kaidan's heart ached. She was so close but they both knew he could not get to her or even help her.

"Joker cut the feed. Local chatter only." He ordered the pilot.

"Shepard Tali and I are right here. It's ok. Everyone is fine this is not Alchera."

"The fighters are so close. I can see them engaging the Liveships… "A sound like a whine came over the radio but Kadian kept his voice calm. Tali was about to say something but he shook his head silencing the girl. Shepard always put other people ahead of herself. The last thing any of them needed was her acting out of panic in zero g.

"Yeah I bet it is one hell of a view. But the Quarrians are not out of this yet. We just need to give them a better chance. You need to give them that chance, Shep."

A long silence followed and Kaidan was just about to call out again when he heard the blessed sound of light scrapping and a thunk. The sound of magboots engaging on an uneven surface. The next few minutes crawl by, only punctuated by the sound of the slow uneven gait of Shepard on the other side of doorway, so close but might as well been on the other side of a relay.

Abruptly the radio cuts in with Joker "_"Hey, take your time, Commander. We're fine until they, you know, look out a window."_

Before Kaidan has a chance to rip Monroe a new one he hears a blessed sound in his ear, a low chuckle.

"_"Geth don't use windows, remember? Structural weakness."_

_"Like the geth are just sitting there saying, 'Those organics would never try the no-windows thing twice!'"_

" _Well they might have to reconsider. They have one heck of a skylight now. " _A breath _"Hold on, last jump."_

The sound of magboots engaging and another piece falling away before Kaidan and Tali hear the doorways engage. Kaidan releases a breath he didn't know he had been holding. Seeing Shepard at the console looking down on them like some sort of overseer.

"Are you okay Commander?" He tries to keep his voice neutral.

"Better now."

She smiles and extends her arms down to him. With a chuckle he catches her, wrapping his hands around her slender waist helping her back down to ground level. She wraps her arms around his neck and near the earpiece of his helmet she whispers "Thanks" She meant of course the pep talk not the aid he had just offered but his heart surged regardless.

The smell of fresh grass surrounds him. Even in the middle of a battle zone, in a geth dreadnought Kaidan is reminded how lucky he is to have found her again. But how in a zero atmo ship could he be smelling Shepard's scent? Both their armors were self-contained.

Kaidan woke with a start. Apparently questioning the validity of a dream was a surefire way to end it. One of the side effects of his migraine medication was the need to be catatonic for a good six hours and occasionally vivid dreams like the one he had just experienced. Shepard had called it right after all, when she ordered him back to the ship after meeting with Aria.

Rolling over he noticed he had migrated from his side of the bed and the side where he had originally passed out in was tucked back under, a sign of Shepard's having come and gone.

_When did it become "your" side of the bed?_

Still a bit groggy Kaidan stretches out in the bed and is disappointed but not exactly surprised to see the rest of the room vacant. The clothes he had left discarded on the floor folded on the desk and placed besides them a mug of cooling coffee the only other signs of Shepard's apparent check-in.

Grudgingly getting up and making his way to the bathroom, he notices Shepard's boots still tucked neatly away under her desk. Clear indicator that she was still onboard even if she didn't bother to wake him from his deep sleep.

Hitting the bathroom and getting dressed he looks at the time and is surprised to see it is still only 0800. He chuckles to himself; apparently sleeping in a bed that had the smell of Shepard was a good way to kick the residuals of both a migraine and the meds from his system. If only the same would work for Shepard herself.

Lacing his boots and holding the cup of coffee in his mouth Kaidan attempts a balancing act in the elevator as he checks out the Crew Deck. With the ship still in dry dock there was little reason for Shepard to be on the bridge unless she was in CIC talking to one of the Admirals.

More likely she was either getting herself some breakfast or she was seeing to those who had returned in the night. He knew Samara had been there and he doubted Javik would have spent any more time with the "primitives" then he had to. The Alliance crew members knew well enough to take advantage of their impromptu shore leave and Shepard had even arranged for a few rooms in the wards set aside for them to crash.

Kaidan turned the corner around the elevator and was greeted with a silent mess hall. Surprisingly not even the smell of coffee lingered here, let alone dirty dishes or other tell-tale signs of recent use. Well that narrowed down his options (not that he hadn't had a gut feeling he wanted to ignore where Shepard was in her sleepless hours.)

Heading to the Observation Deck he was almost expecting the door lock to be engaged but what he was not expecting to see was the two inhabitants apparently trying to murder each other before breakfast. The door wishes open and before Kaidan has a chance to react several of the books from nearby shelves hit the wall besides him with considerable force.

Acting on years of biotic instinct he has his barrier up as he sees the Justicar throw one of the long couches toward Shepard as if it weighed the same as the books at Kaidan's feet. Almost as surprising was Shepard darting out of the way, ducking under the tumbling table and managing to sweep out the booted feet of Samara.

Samara went down but her own biotic aura protected her as she rolled and regained her feet. Trying to regain her stance to launch another throw she is met with a high kick ending just millimeters from her throat and Shepard balancing there without actually striking the Asari. With a small smile she tilts her head back exposing her windpipe, Kaidan thought that would probably be the closest she would come to saying she yielded.

"Good. I am glad to see you are not entirely out of practice from your time incarcerated." Samara g

"Well MY code didn't allow for me to break out after one day."

Shepard puts her leg behind her with a grin. Both women were breathing heavy but the room looked like a dust devil had made its way across it several times over. Kaidan bends down to pick up the books at his feet. Surprisingly they seemed to be mostly intact as did the furniture.

"So you two mind telling me why you couldn't do this in the cargo bay? Or you know the embassy? " Kaidan enters the room with an armful of projectile books.

"Oh hey." Shepard grins. "Didn't think you would be up so soon. How you feeling?" She absently wipes the sweat off her forehead with the sleeve of her sweatshirt.

"Better than the couch does." He chuckles and bends down to slide it back into place. He puts the books down on the table in the corner and wraps an arm around Shep's waist.

"Major the Commander and I have spent many hours sparring in this room. Granted at the time it did have much less furnishing."

"In the Alliance we call it a "terrain advantage" and it worked in your favor Samara. I honestly just wanted to see how many you could juggle at a time." Shepard gave a mischievous giggle.

"Well if you two are quite done why don't you actually catch up like normal people and let me make you breakfast. On one condition." He points to Shepard with a knowing grin but Samara answers for the both.

"And that would be?"

"No oatmeal." He points an accusing finger at Shep.

"I have experienced this oatmeal while in human space. It was not pleasant." Samara admitted.

Laughing the three head to the mess.

* * *

Sorry for the long delays between chapters but things will be moving along storywise soon I promise :)

I am still trying to fill in dialogue for Samara since she is going to have a larger role in this story. Let me know if you did her "justice" XD

-Raven


	52. Chapter 52

If there was one thing a biotic knew it was food. And considering his good reception the last time Kaidan had made Shep breakfast he had a good feeling that this was the way to warm up to the Justicar after last nights awkard mess.

Without saying anything Shepard takes Kaidans cup and grabs two additional while he preps what needed to cook. Luckily for him the supplies they had ordered had already arrived and the kitchen was fully stocked.

He looks up when he hears a strange chuckle from the mess table. Surprised to see Samara has herself seated in a chair turned around to face the kitchenette. About to ask the normally stoic woman what was amusing he follows her gaze and is reward with Shepard making an odd scrunched up face and a weighing motion with her hands "this or that" looking at the mug of coffee she had refilled for him and the tea she had made for Samara. He joined in laughing at her, gosh she was adorable sometimes.

"Shepard there is more than enough. I in fact, brought some with me when I returned. You will find your stores restocked."

The Justicar says finally with a smile. Shepard's eyes go wide for a second and spins on her heels to recheck the cabinet. Kaidan hears a low "ohhhh!" Apparently she had not bothered to move the contents of the shelf enough to notice Samara's gifts. Turning back with the grin of a small child Shepard makes herself the tea and brings the cups to the table.

"Need any help Kay?" Shepard asks as she circles the island to get a look at his activities.

"Not really. You cook Shepard?"

"Me? Hell I'd probably burn the water for the tea if it wasn't regulated. But I could crack eggs or cut stuff."

"I'm not doing anything so fancy so sit down. And so help me if you ask if here is any hot sauce." He warns with a grin. Looking up from the stove he notices the Asari watching him with less a lioness stalking prey look like she had last night and now only a veiled curiosity.

_Small steps Alenko._

" So either of you want to tell me why you ladies decided to go biotic ball first thing in the morning?"

Samara again surprises him by being the first one to speak "Shepard as you know Major can be rather persuasive."

"Kaidan please, and yes she can. "

"What?" Shep throws up her hands trying to look innocent. "All I said was I was out of practice training against a biotic. Vega isn't exactly a commando."

"Well with the Major around I would have thought between other activities you would have found the time."

Kaidan loudly drops the spatula he was using. Did she really just?

_No way the woman I couldn't get two sentences out of last night is joking about our sex life!_

_Shepard_ looks over at the sound of Kaidan's shock. With a grin she declares to the Asari.

"Damn I missed you." And the Asari gives a radiant smile to Kaidan. Progress indeed.

_Maybe this won't be as bad as I thought._

He finally allows himself to feel at ease.

He had never really gotten a chance to see Shepard and Thane interact and his death had clearly affected Shep in a way she had not wanted to open up to Kaidan about. Maybe by getting to know the Justicar and working with her he would get a better understanding on what had happened in the early days of the SR-2 and how they had hardened the already jaded Shepard.

Kaidan served up the plates and Shepard's keen eyes notices and wordlessly brings them to the table, grabbing them silverware and cups en route. He grabs the spot next to Shep and Samara turns around to face them with an odd smile as she looks over the two of them, or rather their proximity.

They make small talk between bites and Kaidan learns that Shepard has some final arrangements before their next stop at Lessus with Tevos and would have the crew back for duty by 2100 hours. Samara would met with Liara and Aethyra for logistics during that time and all should be underway before departure.

With breakfast concluded Samara thanks him for the meal before announcing she had some other affairs to see to on the Citadel and would see them before departure. As quickly as that she has gone and the elevator doors close with a quiet finality. The two soldiers sit in silence for a few minuets just enjoying each others company in the unaccustomed stillness of the moment.

Shepard turns to Kaidan expectantly; she obviously has something on her mind. A grin that makes her eyes crinkle at the corners makes his own appear back reflexively.

"Shep you look like the cat that ate the canary." He informs her finally bringing his own dishes to the sink." what are you planning?" Playing coy, maybe one day she would figure out he was not as innocent as he played but this was more fun anyway.

"You mean aside from testing you world famous integrity?" She bites her lip wickedly, that devilish look in her eye, leaving no doubt to what she was referring to. Kaidan chuckles blushing only slightly to his credit. After getting assumptions made about your sex life by a woman almost 1000 years old Shepard's open invitation seemed like getting off the hook(mostly).

"Don't you have other responsibilities this morning Commander?"

"Oh yeah but so long as we have the ship to ourselves might as well enjoy it. " She gives him a defiant look before standing and heading down the corridor, apparently having reached some decision.

_What is she up to now?_

He follows her back to the observatory and she has already begun to help herself to armfuls of his clothes which he had stowed away in the small cubbies of the bookshelf.

"You are insane you know that right? What do you think you are doing?" A deep chuckle escapes as he watches her so intent on whatever the hell she was doing.

He leans against the wall and watches her with amusement as she begins refolding some of his blues, sitting on her ankles that impish smile still present as she is consciously ignoring him as she works.

"Well it's three days out to Lessus I can't have my XO wearing the same uniform every night. That would be unacceptable." She informed him with a straight face, but he knew better. He could see the glint of humor in her eyes.

"Far be it from me to insult my Superior Officer. I am so glad she is concerned with propriety within a cross species endeavor. But don't you think you are forgetting something kind of important?" He gestures to an untouched pile of briefs.

"Not at all, if you are going to be training with all the commandos don't you think you should get used to dressing the part." And with that she stood with an armful of his clothes and headed to the elevator using her hip to hit the up button and tossing him one last smirk before stepping in.

* * *

A/N: So somewhere between my laptop and posting, this chapter got eaten by a hungry internet . So if it seems a bit thrown together well it is :) and I apologize but something a little different came out on the rewrite.

Also I am debating with the idea of having a few chapters dedicated to Shepard on Omega but since this is Kaidan's POV I will only do it at my readers request since logically the story will stay with him otherwise.

Welcome to all my wonderful new readers and followers :) I will be getting back into the swing of things the next few days ::Fingers crossed::

-Raven


	53. Chapter 53

It never ceased to amaze Kaidan how peaceful Shepard looked when she was sleeping, how much younger. After mutually wearing each other out Shep had acquiesced to staying in the bed "just a few minutes more" and it had had the effect he had hoped it would.

With a light touch he ran the pad of his thumb down between her brows. The worry line that had almost permanently taken up residence there released in the few moments she allowed herself to sleep in his arms. He traced his finger down her nose and across her cheek. For a moment he could almost see the faint white scar that had once crossed her high nose that he had often traced as he was doing now. But that like many other small things had been changed since the SR-1 they had led to a stronger woman.

She had been self-conscious after Apollo he now knew. It had not dawned on him at the time but more so than the bruises or how much she was pushing herself beyond any real physical limit it was the lack of memories that had been present on her body that she was worried he would reject.

_You rejected her on Horizon because of the orange ones, that and rumors._ That dark voice reminded him.

The scar on the bridge of her nose had been faint, mostly obscured by the smattering of freckles so it had taken Kaidan longer to even notice that it had been lost to the memories. The one that had surprised him and ashamed Shepard the most was much more recent.

After Saren and the Battle of the Citadel Shepard had received a large "shiner" as she had called it- longer than her hand span, bright pink from below her left breast and across the two ribs she had broken when almost being impaled by the Reaper fragments. Had she stayed on bed rest like the doctors had wanted it would have healed in time. But Shepard had geth to fight and had slapped some medigel on it and pushed on.

She had been embarrassed about it during their time on Nos Astra he remembered. Kaidan had made it a point to show her that along with all the rest of her collection had helped make her who he had fallen for. It had still been fresh just beginning to heal when the Collector's hit so when he saw her without it, admittedly it had surprised him. She had taken that as a sign of rejection.

She sighed softly in her sleep and nuzzled closer. She was colder now too, not just emotionally but physically-one of the reasons she was always wearing the N7 sweatshirt. He rubs the gooseflesh across her bare back and pulls the blanket around them.

The scar was completely gone, so too thankfully was the orange cybernetic ones of Cerberus but with it went the even tan and freckles along her nose and shoulders that had once danced when she laughed. She was also leaner now, a professional soldier she had always been fit but now there were hollows in her hips and collar bone showing her over reliance on stims and tendency to forget to eat more than she really should. Yes he was definitely right where he needed to be.

He ran his hand down her back feeling the flesh prickle up at his touch.

"First you want me to sleep then you tickle me." Shepard said from the base of his shoulder.

He had forgotten that little skill she had of going from fully asleep to wide awake at a seconds notice. She had told him it was a skill she had picked up in basic but now Kaidan had a feeling it might had developed while living on the streets of Omega.

"Sorry. Just sometimes I can't stop myself. I have to touch you to make sure you are really here and not just a dream."

"Oh so is that what you call what we just did? "

"No, that is making up for lost time." He chuckles and runs a finger over her check.

"How long was I out?" She rolls over and checks the bedside display.

"Not even an hour. You really should catch a few while all is quiet."

"I'll have plenty of time when we leave. 3 days travel and nothing but data pads and reports I'll sleep like a baby. And extra incentive now that you're here."

"Sweet talker. We'll see how well you are at following your own advice."

"Terrible, I know." She admits sitting up and passing her sports bra back over her head.

Over her shoulder she tosses him his own discarded briefs before slipping her own. Regretfully Kaidan begins to get dressed (thankfully this time in fresh clothes). Following the trail of clothes he grabs Shep's sweatshirt and is about to throw it to her when the pad that was underneath the shirt catches his eye.

"Shep what's this?"

Another drawing pad that Shepard must have been working on while Kaidan was sleeping off the migraine earlier. Unlike the other images Shepard was attempting to copy from her ill acquired Prothean memories this was of a human figure. The picture was done in black and brown but Kaidan could make out enough details for something to hold his attention.

A human woman but her face was burnt or damaged of some sort. She was yelling behind glass her eyes wide with terror. Something about the eyes and the headband made Kaidan keep looking between the two. Some connection he was supposed to be making.

_Lilith. The girl from Horizon._

The glass wasn't glass but one of those pods they had used to put people in. He must have spoken the name aloud because Shepard was at his side her hand on his arm. Two of his biggest failures and Shepard was having nightmares about it.

"Her name was Lilith. She was probably the only colonist that really liked me being there. Heh for all the good I did them." He explained his voice soft.

"Kaidan I had no idea. I'm so sorry. I just had a nightmare last night and I didn't think. It was so vivid but I knew it wasn't real. I should have known better. "She hated talking about her nightmares but something about this had obviously impacted her.

"You had no way of knowing." Then an idea comes to him "You dream about Horizon don't you? I was part of the dream."

He was certain as soon as he spoke the words. She nodded slowly. That was why she had left and gone to see Samara. Samara had not been with Shepard yet, the Asari was a physical reminder that they had indeed survived and even conquered the Collectors.

He wraps his arms around her and holds her close; kissing the top of her head, the smell of hay and sunshine filling his nose from her bedraggled hair. He supposed after how vivid his dream of the Geth Dreadnaught had been they both had more than a little PTSD and they would work it through together. Shepard links her hands together behind his back and leans into him with a contented sigh.

A moment later the light on her desk begins to flash green and the overhead comes to life.

"Commander if you are done copulating with your mate, I have something you may wish to discuss." Javik's voice startles them out of their own thoughts. Shepard's voice comes up from the place she had nestled into his neck.

"Heh heh. Busted."


	54. Chapter 54

"She is going to kill you, you know." Garrus informed Kaidan matter of factly.

"No she is gonna like it. After she gets over being mad." The Major responds.

The two men are heading to the C-Sec outpost to do a little digging. Since Tali had arranged the shipment for Kaidan's "special shipment" he had decided to amend the plan a little. As usual the Turrian was being contrary and hopefully very wrong forecasting his death at the hands of one pissed off Commander Jane Shepard.

"In that case when you're gone can I have your stereo? That is what humans call it right?" Garrus's mandibles flexed in a smile. Damn he really had been getting too much of his humor from Shepard.

"Yes and shut up." He pretended to grouse as they hit the stairs. In truth it was difficult to feel anything but optimistic, Shepard had that effect on him.

In the outpost they met with Bailey who seemed to be on the mend. Kaidan shook the man's hand and explained why they were here in as vague terms as he could. Bailey had been a cop for twenty years before joining Citadel Security, he knew enough to put the pieces together and laughs leaning back in his seat.

"Sure. I am all in favor of giving a man enough rope to hang himself by."

Garrus's translator rumbles a laugh, giving Kaidan a very clear "I told you so" look.

Bailey signals the other two officers out who had been milling about and grabs a seat besides his own so Kaidan can have access to his terminal. Garrus takes up residence behind the two men and the two cops bemoan the shoddy interface, while Alenko sets to work. Apparently something's really do never change.

C-Sec had access to records for most of the races home worlds. Since humanity had gained a seat on the council that now included Earth but the Alliance had already turned over access after the First Contact War. But what Garrus had confirmed was it also included access to Earth side governmental records. All it took was a little bit of digging and a little time, and a VI that Kaidan had thrown together for the purpose to fish it out.

"So Bailey you were a cop back on Earth right?" Kaidan asks his fingers flying over the keys as the Commander looks on with interest.

"So those files are now integrated into C-Sec." He explains bringing up the database.

"Yeah but with all the shoddy interface due to the war don't expect anything to be up to date."

"Not looking for anything current. Actually what I am looking for is archived probably for over two decades." He sets the net wide and hopes for a catch. Typing in his search and narrowing down the dates help but there are still a lot of sources to search through. A few moments pass and the screen is scrolling through thousands of files all dated decades ago, most of it corrupted or just not properly uploaded. Finally there is a chime indicating a match had been found. Holding his breath Kaidan clicks the file to open across the screen and hopes for the best.

"Well. I'll be damned." Bailey breaths.

"She is still going to kill you." Garrus informs the Major as they head back to the commons to pick up Tali's order. The Volus merchant looks at Kaidan oddly as he gives the name.

"But you don't look like a Rael'Zorah." The merchant wheezed.

"And you don't look like someone who wants to ask questions considering how many credits we have spent here." Garrus shoots back over his shoulder. Tali had arranged the shipment from Quarrian space but had refused to get any further involved in Kaidan's "suicide run." Glad to know his friends had his back.

The Volus teetered away and returned with a nondescript package that he handed to Kaidan. The Major pays the merchant and picks the thing up, glancing at the few remaining mods still in inventory. Wartime was hell for supply chains. Turning to leave they head back toward the elevator.

"Sucker is heavier than I expected." He admits to the Turrian.

"I will never understand human sentimentality. I thought of all people Shepard was above that."

"Woman always want you to believe that Garrus. Haven't you learned anything?" He raises an eyebrow.

"Oh crap don't give me that. Now I have to worry about what I can get my girlfriend that won't make her sick. The little rodent was weird enough."

"I don't think I want to know…"

"No, probably not. But if you hear squeaking while you are in the cabin. It's not the bed."

The look of confusion on Kaidan's face made Garrus chuckle that low rumble. He gives Kaidan a reassuring pat on the shoulder in front of the elevator. He checks in omni and sees no new messages. Shepard had finished up with the Prothean and made her way back to the Asari councilors chambers a few hours ago but he had not heard a peep since.

"Listen Kaidan I got to get back to the holding area. Plenty of more soldiers coming in from Palaven. Thanks for the break and I'll see you back on the ship, if you live that long." He gives his best snarky grin as he hits the down button and steps in.

"Well here goes nothing. " Kaidan waits for the next elevator and hits the embassies floor.

Entering the Specter office was still a weird feeling. The emotionless drone of AVINA did not make it any less surreal . Heading over to the message terminal, he checks and sees that Shepard has not been through yet today. Good start. Next he heads to the shooting range and unwraps his contraband.

Less than an hour later he is finished or at least as close to finished as he could make it. He was no Shepard or Garrus when it came to this. He takes a deep breath and pulls out his omni to message Shepard.

_Hey, you still in meetings? _He pings, his breath caught in his throat for no good reason. A few long moments pass before he gets a reply.

_No. In Zakera. What's up?_

_The wards? Everything okay?_

_Fine. Just needed to clear my head. What is going on? _She was getting edgy, not a good sign.

_I am in Specter office; got something I thought you might like to see when you are free._

_Be there in five. _Was her curt reply. Well here goes nothing.

The door opens and identifies the first human Specter as she enters. Following his routine of checking the terminals first she looks around clearly suspicious when he does not leave the firing range. He waves her in through the glass and she heads over.

She was once again in her sweatshirt and civvies, apparently these last minute planning sessions had not called for dress blues which was better for this purpose anyway.

"Kay….? Whats going on?" Her eyebrow arched as she walks over to the distant controls and weapon layout he had spread out.

"Remember back on the SR-1 when Ashley keep giving me shit about only using a pistol and not a rifle? Even a kid out of basic was taught to use a rifle she said."

"Yeah and?"

"And then you told her to lay off because until she could create a dark energy vortex you would let me use a pea shooter or a slingshot if that was my weapon of choice."

"Yeah" Shepard admits a smirk crossing her features. "Sounds like some smartass remark I would have made. But the practice was just an excuse to get closer to you"

"But then you cleared the bay and had me practice with you. You helped me with target practice but never made me use it in the field." He gestures to the M-8 he had lying on the table.

"I don't know if you remember but on Horizon I had one with me."

"Was a bit busy getting shot at to notice." She crosses her arms, looking up at him. She thankfully left the rest of what had happened on Horizon unsaid.

"Well I figured I would return the favor. I can't teach you anything about rifles that you didn't teach me. I can't compare to Garrus when it comes to sniper rifles and you drive me nuts when you use that thing on missions. It weights almost as much as your armor." He gestures to the Black Widow she had taken a liking to, the same model she had thrown to Legion when she had freed it _him_ from the Dreadnought.

"But this is something I might know something about." He pulls out the pistol he had taken from Cortez all those days ago. Upgraded and modded but still clearly the outdated model that she had used on the synthetic on Mars and again at the fall of Thessia. The effect on Shepard is instantaneous.

"You Sonofabit….You had no right!" She sputters, her hands balled up into fists. She grabs for the pistol and turns it upside down checking the tags, rage burning in her eyes.

_Score one for Garrus._ He thinks before he goes on.

"You know it is odd." He continues before she has a chance to stop him. " N7's get the best armor and equipment the Alliance has to offer. Specters get stuff that hasn't even hit the market yet. But that pistol looks like what I learned to shoot with back at BAaT." He could swear he heard her teeth grinding as she was looking over the gun, turning it slowly in her hands. But her head was tilted just slightly, he knew she was listening to what he was saying even now.

"So why would an N7 Specter use a hand pistol that has been off the market for 2 decades? One that cost more to keep up than a rifle. So I did a little digging. And I found this." He leans over to the console and pulls up the holo image he had found at Bailey's desk. An image from the original owner of the gun that Shepard now held, a man that she had not seen in almost twenty years. The hair color was a little lighter and the eyes were an icy blue rather than violet but the cheekbones and eyebrows were a dead giveaway. Shepard eyes go wide and she puts the pistol down. The color leaving her cheeks as one word passes her lips, barely audible.

"Daddy."

* * *

A/N This was probably one of the most difficult to write so far but actually was one that I had planned out since the beginning of the story. When I first started playing ME3 every so often there is a critical cut scene where Shepard had a weapon and it always seems to be a pistol which is so out of place IMO. This is my rational for it :)


	55. Chapter 55

Kaidan could feel the tempest of emotion coming off Shepard in waves. She had been enraged that he had pried into a part of her life that she had never disclosed to him, a part of her life she activity hid from the world. She was in shock that he had managed to track down an image of her long dead father as a gift to her but she could not bring herself to be comfortable with the idea that there were still records out there that tied her old life together and Kaidan even in an act of love had managed to bring all that back to the surface when there was so much else going on at the time.

"Kaidan I know what you were trying to do." If she had been taken by surprise by the image she pulled it together quickly enough. Her eyes had been misted over but only for a second, her voice weak.

She sighs and closes the holo of the man long gone, her expression impossible to read but he knows she is steeling herself. She trails her finger along the pistol's barrel before slipping it onto her waist and pulling her sweatshirt over it. Folded and on her back it was impossible to notice in the baggy layers of material.

Since the incident with Balak he had been nagging her to take a weapon with her whenever she went on the Citadel but she had proved more than once she was capable of defending herself even unarmed. Apparently all it had taken to get her to acquiesce was to give her the one weapon she had sentimental attachment to.

"Kaidan thank you. It really was very sweet. "She gives him a smile that does not touch her eyes but the misty eyed surprise as well as the anger for delving into her past was gone. Left was just the Shep who sucked at expressing herself giving way to the Commander Shepard who had a galaxy to save.

"Come on. We have some things to take care of before debarking. "She spins on her heel and exits the double doors without waiting to see if he was following.

The walk back to the Normandy was silent. Shepard was lost to her memories and Kaidan wondered to himself if the Pandora's Box of memories he had just opened would impact any of the careful arrangements they had been working on with Aria.

At the airlock to the ship Kaidan reaches out and touches Shepard's hand lightly. She gives a light squeeze as the decomp dings their passage. He chooses to take that as a good sign.

"EDI who is on the ship currently?" She asks, rounding the galaxy map. It was still four hours before any of the crew was scheduled back. Shepard had arranged a vidcom with Hackett and wanted to go over thing before they left for Asari space.

"You and the Major are the only ones aboard currently. " The AI responds.

"Good. I want a lock down until I am off the horn with Command. Everyone stay ashore until we are done."

"Very good Commander."

The green lights turn orange as they enter the war room and Shepard picks up some datapads to check over supplies which Cortez had been able to track down.

"You haven't had a chance to look over any of the ones Dr. Sanders gave you have you? "Kaidan asks already knowing the answer.

"Not even close. I figure I can do that once we jump. Right now we got to get the green light from the Brass." She gestures into the Comm room with the data pads and follows him in. She dials up Artcurus Command and frowns as it takes a few tries to connect. Another constant reminder they were running out of time. Every day systems went dark or a comm buoy went out as the Reapers took more and more territory.

The image of Hackett appeared in blue. Kaidan knew the image was real time and the Admiral looked worn, apparently Shepard was not the only one pushing the brink to end this. With a quick nod he starts.

"Shepard I got your report but I have to be honest. It is more long shots than I am really comfortable with. Too many unknowns."

"Agreed sir. But we got the go ahead from the Asari Councilor as well as some peripheral support."

"Yes including the Pirate Queen. I saw that little detail." He frowns and the image wavers. "I am not comfortable with you going into Cerebrus controlled territory alone. How can we trust Aria?"

"We can't sir. But with all due respect, the last time I was requested to go alone on a mission the person who sent me I trusted a hell of a lot more than her and it didn't prevent it from going to hell in a hand basket." She pauses as she lets her words sink in before continuing. Kaidan was not sure he liked the implications of that comment but he would have to ask Shepard about it later.

" Besides we both know we need the Terminus system for supplies and communications. If Aria say we can take it back we need to try."

"One week Commander. That is the most I will grant. And now your second request is ….more than a little unconventional. "

"I know Admiral but you said it yourself we need to preserve the chain of command. With me out of range for the week I think this is the closest we are going to get for a trial run."

"Yes but a Turrian? What about Vega? It is not like you to disagree with Anderson's recommendation."

"Between the heirachry and C-Sec Vakarian has more experience co-ordinating and logistics. Even on board he is working with the Primarch and Generals on Manea. Vega would be good for field command but being in charge of the Normandy would be too much of a jump in a time of crisis. I do not disagree with Anderson's appraisal of Vega for the N program."

Hackett does not look convinced but he did not naysay Shepard. The Admiral knew Shepard knew her people like no one else. Kaidan just wished she had bothered to divulge all her plans with him. He had not been comfortable with her plans but he could see her reasoning.

"Okay we can try it permitted Major Alenko agrees. With the Normandy on Lessus he will be acting Captain."

_Kaidan acting captain of the Normandy. Garrus as his XO and Shepard going off alone to Omega. This was all beyond insane. But it was Shepard and he knew she never did anything without good reason and careful planning._

"Yes sir. I think we can accomplish more on two fronts. And I agree with Shepard's assessment of Garrus, he is one of the best soldiers I have ever served with, human or otherwise."

Hackett folded his arms and looked thoughtful for a moment. The Admiral had made a name for himself during the First Contact War but had always supported the Alliance's joint projects. Leading the Crucibile project with so many races working together had given him a new understanding of how the Normandy's crew could be so effective. He nods his agreement.

"Keep me posted. I want to talk to you once you reach Lessus. Before you leave Shepard." He gives her a stern warning before his signature. "Hackett out."

Now it was his turn to be angry. How could Shepard just have sprung this all on him? He knew she was planning on going to Omega but alone? It was suicide, Cerberus would have her head. And him as acting Captain for a week while he was running a would be biotic boot camp?

"What the hell Shepard." Was all he could muster.

"Green lighted." She had a sly smile on her face as she walks past him. He reaches out and grabs her shoulder spinning her back to face him. She was not going to walk away from this conversation. The look on Shepard's face is one of surprise. It was not like Kaidan to lose his temper especially with her but this was way beyond the limits.

"Shepard. Tell me you didn't do this….tell me this isn't a suicide run. Tell me you plan on coming back." His voice threatened to crack but he needed to see her face, to read her eyes. He had been trying to keep that thought out of him mind but once he had spoken it, he knew that was his real worry.

"Kay." She reaches up and puts her hand on his cheek." I played it straight. Honest. We need the Terminus open and better the devil we know than the devil we don't. Aria has nothing to gain by getting me killed or turning me over to Cerberus. Besides I have a few tricks up my sleeve."

"Care to share them with your nervous boyfriend?" He could feel his pulse in his ears but the cool touch of her palm on his cheek and the compassion in her eyes went a long way to defuse him. Damn her.

"Jacob Taylor and Miranda Lawson. It is too dangerous for them to go to Omega but they both had high level security clearance." She explained as if it was the most logical thing in the word to go to the ass end of the galaxy with cut-throat mercs.

" A week isn't a lot of time to arrange a hostile takeover." He points out. He knew Shepard was determined but he still felt he had to at least point out when she was being utterly impossible.

"I am not going there to make it a functioning democracy Kaidan. I am going in covert, do an ass load of property damage and make sure Cerberus feels it when they get ejected out an airlock." She had that wicked smile on again. "Besides you guys will be so busy on Lessus I'd just get in the way. "

"Just promise me you will be careful."

"As careful as I can be." And he knows that is the best she can offer as comfort. That was just her way.

Shepard steps away from him and picks up the datapads she had been looking at. Scrolling through the updates Kaidan can see the worry line between her eyebrows as she glances up at the door lock still glowing orange. Something had caught her ire.

"EDI we are locked down. Who else is on the ship?"

"No one Commander."

Shepard frowns and looks at the readout of the ships oxygen and power levels. To Kaidan it is all just numbers but then again he never bothered to check those unless there was a leak reported. He looks up from the pad in her hand and Shepard's face is hard. She is in motion, heading back toward the elevator and punching in her authorization code .

"Shepard? What the hell is going on?"

"The bitch is testing me. I knew this was going to easy." Her teeth grind and she is squeezing her hands into fists. "Kaidan you might want to leave. This might get ugly." She warns as she sets into the elevator."

"Shepard you are not making much sense. And you are worrying the hell out of me. What is going on?" He steps in behind her. Whatever got her so angry was not something he wanted to have her face alone.

"I knew Aria was going to try something. She wants to prove she has some sort of power. Problem is I am not a kid anymore and I don't have time for her games." The elevator stops and they step out.

As soon as the doors shut Shepard puts in a code on her omni and the doors lockdown turning red behind them. She walks over to the armory and grabs two helmets and tosses it to Kaidan who is looking at her as if she had completey lost her mind.

Walking over to Cortez's desk she punches in the command code for the bay doors to open with her right and removes the pistol he had returned to her from her left. As the atmo begins to drain from the room they put on their helmets and Shepard shouts out to the empty cargo hold.

"You have 30 seconds before the room is drained of oxygen. And 35 before I start venting subfloors into space. After that I lose my patience." Shepard steps between the two tables, pistol in hand.

The room is utterly still. The low hiss of escaping oxygen and the opening door revealing the nebula behind making the rooms temperature drop. Kaidan is beginning to worry if all the stress has finally made Shepard paranoid when movement behind the Kodiak catches his eye and is then gone.

Shepard pops a heat sink into her pistol. Her voice from her helmet even colder than the room.

"10 seconds."

An Asari comes out from behind the shuttle, her hands up but a smirk on her face. It takes Kaidan a moment before he realizes this woman now in commando leathers was one of the dancers Shepard had noticed in Purgatory earlier.

"And the other." Shepard says her gun pointed squarely at the Asari's face. Another figure drops down from a set of crates. Shepard does not even flinch but keeps the gun pointed at the first, tilting her head she orders the second to stand beside her companion.

"Aria said it wouldn't work. I did not agree. Very good Commander." The first speaks.

"Kaidan punch it. You two on your knees, hands behind your heads."

He puts in the command sequence and the bay seals. It takes a few moments but the oxygen levels return to normal. He takes off his helmet and looks at the three. Shepard pulls up her omni and places a call.

"Heads or tails?" Shepard asks her voice harsh.

"I have no idea what you are talking about." Aria answers not sounding pleased.

"Which piece of the stowaways I should send you after I space them out my airlock."

There is a pause and no one moves before the Pirate Queen answers.

"And here I was sending you a gift of two of my best PJ. The least you could do is offer them hospitality, you know for old times' sake."

"If you needed transport to the planet you should have asked."

"Well now that wasn't part of our deal." The Pirate Queens voice drips with sarcasm before the line is cut.

Shepard grinds her teeth before addressing the two Commandos.

"On your feet. Start talking."

The two cooperated Aria's story. They were in fact the same two from the club, sent by Aria to help with the biotics being sent to train against the Reapers. They had been shown the Normandy in port by two officers one very muscular and boastful the second more reserved but neither had been suspicious. From there it was a simple matter of getting into an oxygen tunnel and waiting for the ship to leave before they informed their host of their presence.

"Maybe if your boss paid as much attention to Omega as I do my ship she wouldn't need my help getting it back. Come on you two are on lockdown till I decide what to do with you." The two looked surprised but knew well enough not to argue as Shepard lead them to the room Javik had taken up.

After depositing their guests and securing the door the two officers headed back to the loft in silence. Kaidan did not even know where to begin.

" Anderson's rule 1. Know thy ship." Shepard started shaking her head .

"But you knew Aria was up to something." He pointed out as she flops on the couch.

"I knew she_ would_ try something. Aria doesn't like to do things for others even when they are in her own best interest." But something was still bothering Shepard. He sat beside her and put an arm around her.

"What are we gonna do about Vega and Cortez?" He asks carefully.

"EDI send a message to dumb and dumber. Tell them I am revoking their shore leave and they have 30 mins to report in or else they can walk back to earth."

"Acknowledged. "

Shepard pinches the bridge of her nose. One more complication they didn't need right now.

"We can't let Samara anywhere near them either." She points out. "Her code will probably demand she kill them, at least until we get planet side. Ugh!"

"You know you are awful cute when you are frustrated." He tries to lighten the mood.

"Yea and scary when I do things like vent a room with us in it."

"Scary isn't the word I would use…. Initiating maybe commanding."

"Bullshit I saw your face." She sighs. " I'll understand if you don't want to be there when I rip those two a new one. It might work out for you if we play good cop bad cop while I'm away."

Kaidan just chuckles and gives her an affectionate squeeze. "We don't need to practice that's pretty much how it will fall out anyway. Besides I am taking careful notes."

"You asshole." She finally breaks a smile.

* * *

A/N I know I know I am so bad teasing you all saying I am back and then making you wait a week between updates! I'm sorry really! but this chapter was really kicking my behind. Any suggestions or comments are encouraged as the muse and I struggle.


	56. Chapter 56

James Vega considered himself a good soldier. He considered himself a brave man. Since facing down a Praetorian on Fehl Prime and being on foot during the invasion of Earth he felt his bravado was earned. Being recommended for the N7 program had justified his feelings but nothing he had seen in this war had prepared him for this.

The fury of Shepard was not something you ever forgot; hell the woman put all his past drill instructors to shame. But worse than that he knew behind the bluster of her berating him was a deep disappointment that he had not seen before. She had taken an interest in his career, taken him under her wing and he had fucked up in a stupid stupid way.

He and Cortez had been grabbing a last lunch when the message from EDI had so abruptly cut off their shore leave. The AI had read the message but the wording was all Shepard and they both knew something had gone haywire. Vega had had no idea what this was about until Shepard pulled up the schematics of the Normandy she had taken from Shar's omni and Major Alenko had traced them as being lifted from Vega's own.

The two Asari had been more than interested in listening to Vega's stories and seeing where the Normandy was docked and now the man knew why. Shepard was yelling if the words classified, prototype or indoctrinated meant anything to them. She had threatened to bust them down a rank and when she threatened to ground Cortez Vega had to speak up.

"Commander with all due respect, Cortez was just an accessory. I met the girls and showed them the dock. He tried to warn me." He keeps his eyes straight ahead, not looking at her.

"Is this true Cortez?"

"I was there Commander. I am just as responsible as Vega."

"I see. Both of you hit the mess, the Major and I need to decide what your punishment will be."

They both salute and exit. In all the time Kaidan had observed Shepard he could not recall a time when she had yelled at her crew the way she just had. Sure she had snapped at Joker once or twice and the faceoff with Wrex on Virmire was the stuff of legends but never with her own men. She really had never had to; she had a way of expecting and getting the best from her people.

Even Ash when she had disapproved of aliens on the prototype ship and had gotten an earful from Shepard but the Commander had not gone so far as ordering Williams to keep her opinions to herself. They had differing views and Shepard respected that in the gunny.

Shepard makes her way over to Vega's punching bag shaking her head. Kaidan follows her leaning against the table. She takes a few practice swings getting it in motion before asking him.

"Think I laid it on a bit too thick?" He chuckles

"Hell I was terrified and I have seen you scream down a Reaper. But you did call it."

They had discussed the two officers before they had reported back to the ship. Shepard seemed pretty confident once they knew the facts the officers would practically trip over themselves to take responsibility and get the other off the hook. Grounding Cortez had been mostly a bluff but Vega had taken the fall and accepted his mistake which is what Shepard really had wanted.

"I don't expect perfection but I want soldiers who know how to accept their mistakes, makes them work harder."

"Says the woman who over analyzes every so called mistake she ever made." He crosses his arms giving her a knowing look as she sends the bag swinging.

"Has nothing to do with it." She kicks wide, her back still to him but Kaidan knows he can point out a flaw in her armor.

"So chewing out your people has nothing to do with you being pissed off at Aria before you go liberate Omega and leave me in charge of your people?"

"Our people. And no you need them and the Commandos, just having them know they fudged it will keep them alert. You're welcome." Typical smartass Shepard.

"Uh-huh. So when are we going to tell the crew you are bowing out for a week?"

"Give Garrus the good news when we leave port and the rest when we make it to Lessus I figure?"

"And our guests?"

"Restricted access to crew and lower deck. Nothing near engineering or the battery. Besides" she pauses after giving a wide hay maker and a grin. "I think having Javik as a guard is plenty punishment for them don't you?"

"Ohhhh harsh even for you Shepard"

It was decided that Cortez and Vega would get off on three days of double rotations, which oh so coincidentally worked out to their trip duration to Lessus. It also fell to Kaidan to give them the so called good news.

"Go good cop go." Shepard gave him that wicked smile again.

"You know, I feel you are shaping me too and not just your soldiers."

"You are learning young padawan."

"What did you just call me?" It sounded almost like an Asari term. She just laughs.

"Never mind, old vid and don't take it so personally I do it to everyone I see potential in."

"Now you are just being a flirt." Kaidan says with a laugh.

"No. A flirt would tell you NOT to meet me in the loft after you finish your XO duties. I can think of a great way to spend the last few hours of our shore leave." She heads to the elevator with a knowing smile.

"Great and I am supposed to be the good cop with THAT on my mind?"

"You could be the bad cop as long as I get to punish you later." She nips his shoulder before activating the lift.

"Commander Mr. Massani is requesting permission to enter the ship. He claims he "damn well better get let in since he is running god'damn errands for the tart." I am unaware of the connection between you and a baked sweet." EDI's voice chimes into the loft.

Shepard rolls over and moans in complaint into Kaidain's chest. So much for enjoying their last few hours uninterrupted.

"What was that?" He tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ear. She looked like they had been rolling around in the bed, because they had.

"Totally forgot. Looks like shower and round two will have to wait." She kisses his shoulder before retrieving their scattered clothing.

"Yeah send him up EDI."

A few moments later they are more or less presentable and the elevator dings before the string of curses inform them of their guest. The mercenary walks in and without greeting throws two large crates he had been carrying over each shoulder onto the bed.

"Nice of you to have the doors locked while you got me shopping for you. Don't question the other charges by the way." He grins and throws a credit chit back to Shepard who catches it deftly.

"Jessie, a crate of brandy and Asari gone wild. They already called to make sure the charges were authorized."

"Son of a bitch." He turns and takes notice of Kaidan for the first time. Alenko does not miss the quick glance to the crates that Shepard had apparently asked the man to get.

"No harm done Zaeed as long as you save me a bottle." She leans back challenging the much larger man.

"You are kidding right? You made me track this crap down and now you want my drink? You know how hard it was to find in your size?"

"Admit it you enjoyed it. Probably even had someone model it for you."

"You really are an unbelievable bitch Shepard." But in spite of it the man laughs. "Besides you don't have the tits to fill it out for my taste." He looks to Kaidan and then adds for good measure. "I drink sprits older than you."

"So show me what you got me big guy."

After a few more grumbled threats the man opens one of the crates and pulls out a blue armor set and lays it out on the bed with practiced care. Kaidan is quick to notice the large white circle pattern matches the large tattoo on the man's neck.

_The blue suns._

"Very nice Zaeed." Shepard looked like a kid in a candy store

"Yeah took hell of a long time to track down your ahem specs. But I still know a few people here and there. The other one was much harder." He gestures a hand to the second crate.

"You got it?"

"For you princess? Might be a bit blood stained but I thought it would add to the authenticity."

Shepard abandons the Blue Sun set and pops open the crate to start taking out pieces of the pre-used armor. Black, white and gold. A helmet with four red eyeslits confirms the sinking feeling in the pit of Kaidan's stomach.

Phantom Armor. She was going to wear Cerberus armor into Omega. She was already pulling on the right gauntlet to test out the feel and nods approvingly.

"No sword but I figured that would be a dead give away anyway."

"I can always snag one once I get there."

"Shepard are you sure you don't want me to meet you there? I mean I can get a few favors and arrange a shuttle. No reason for you to go alone." The grizzled old merc rubs his neck looking at Shepard awkwardly.

"I appreciate the thought Zaeed but after you took out contracts specifically against Cerberus going to Omega is an unnecessary risk."

"Well than don't get your arse blown off before you get a chance to do the same for the Reapers." With that and the promise of the owed brandy the man takes his leave.

"Now are you going to tell me why you feel the need to wear this crap when you have your choice of better equipment? "Kaidan gestures to her locker besides the bed.

"Kaidan I know you are nervous about this but if I go there with a N7 or a blood stripe anywhere I might as well have a bull's-eye painted on my helmet. Aria has people there that I can blend in with but I can't do that in Alliance colors."

He takes a step around the bed and looks at the Ouroboros symbol on the armor. Again her reasons made sense but that didn't mean he had to like it, or the risks involved. Silently he picks up the chest piece and turns it over in his hands. Light, much like Shepard's own armor. He had seen phantoms move on the battle field and the image of Shepard taking out the cynoid on Mars sprang to his mind. Yes it made a twisted kind of sense why she had wanted to wear this armor to take out the ones holding the hollowed out asteroid.

"Just don't tell me you are going to start using the katana." Was all he said.


	57. Chapter 57

"Shepard they have a word for you on Palavan." Garrus informed her and Kaidan over dinner the second night of their trip. True to her word Shepard had been going over mission logs almost nonstop since they left the Citadel and Kaidan had suggested the officers dinner as a quasi-break. A few drinks and good company had lightened her mood somewhat and for that Kaidan was hugely thankful.

Garrus took a long sip of the dexo wine Shepard had broken out from her supply cabinet (now fully restocked) and waited for Shepard to rise to the challenge like they both knew she would.

"Amazing, Ravishing….Flexible." She arched an eyebrow at the Turrian, apparently one of their inside jokes that Kaidan was not aware of. He swirls the liquid in his glass before taking another sip.

"Certifiable." He proclaims before chuckling and giving Kaidan a knowing look. The Major laughs, remembering the way Joker had once described watching the two interact as the "strangest bromance ever." But then again didn't he share a lot of traits with Tali as well as Shepard had once pointed out to him? A reason that the two worked so well together.

"That's it Vakarian when I am done with you both sides of your face are gonna match." She throws a pillow at him which he deftly deflects.

"Spirits your aim is off after those little bitty glasses? No wonder you couldn't hit the bottles."

"Again with this? I told you I LET you win. Seeing how ugly you are I figured I should let you have something going for you. And for your information these little glasses have more alcohol in it than probably your whole bottle. Light weight."

She grins and upends another shot to prove a point. Kaidan had given up trying to keep pace with her, apparently her upgraded liver was not exactly an exaggeration, but he also could tell she was more buzzed than she was letting on in typical Shepard fashion. The Turrian leans back and it occurs to Kaidan this was probably the first time ever he had seen Garrus out of armor.

"So care to tell the story on how you managed to talk your people into trusting a failed C-Sec officer into being temporary XO of their pride and joy?" His mandibles flared in a half-grin. Apparently Shepard wasn't the only one who was under the influence.

"Well I threw Miranda's name out there and by comparison a Turrian looked positively cuddly. I don't think you could fill out the cat suit as well though." She gives him an appraising look over her beer as she hands Kaidan another. To his surprise they had managed to empty Zaeed's bottle and Shepard had tempted him with a bottle of whiskey. The woman knew the way to his heart.

"So no other options huh? Damn."

"Oh there are other options, Tali fills out her enviro suit pretty well but I don't need to tell YOU that."

"Not so secret fantasies coming out finally. Keep drinking Commander. At least this time you I won't have to save you from drowning in your own shower." At this Shepard's eyes go wide before glancing over to Kaidan.

_Was she actually blushing?_

"Aw crap." The sharp eyes of the Turrian noticed their glance, but was nowhere smooth enough to back pedal.

"No no man now you HAVE to tell me." Alenko refills the glasses giving Shepard a " don't try it look" but she just shrugs feigning indifference.

"What was the term Joker used to get me up here? Shepard was "puking her guts up?" Of course it was not as traumatic as it sounds. You humans and your flair for dramatics."

"Says you. I think I lost 5 kilos that night."

"Of fluid." He tilts his glass in her direction. His first finger tapping the glass thoughtfully before continuing. "Joker called me to help with Shepard who had apparently decided the best way to make sure she was still moderately human was to drink herself into a stupor and see if her organs could handle it."

"A soldier needs to know their limits." Shepard defended feebly. Kaidan noticed she was holding her glass between her two palms. Not looking at either one of them. Her posture didn't seem to indicate she was angry, rather she was just far away remembering a less than favorable experience.

Much of what had happened on the SR-2 as far as personal Shepard had kept a closed lip on. Sure he had read the mission reports Shepard had sent to Anderson religiously and had spoken to Thane but knowing what had happened and why it had happed were two very different things.

"So Joker had come upstairs and found her passed out and he was unable to move her so he called me up. Trying to wake her up was …interesting to say the least." He clicked a sign that meant he was thinking. "Joker was kind enough to pass her off to me citing that he had the nurturing instincts of a reptile. EDI informed me that her Blood Alcohol level was not enough to cause a coma but Shepard being the domineering one she is refused to go to MedBay and get a lecture from Chakwas so soon after Horizon."

"I had seen enough of that place to last me months."

"And you were recovering from being shot by a Praetorian." He pointed out. Shepard just grunts and takes more of her whiskey.

_She had been hit on Horizon? _He had not noticed.

"Anyway by the time I arrived not only was Shepard awake but had become quite talkative." A sub harmonic chuckle. " And apparently Cerberus had only put the stairs between the bed and the bathroom to slow her down, she swore. So after retreating to the bathroom for a good half hour I message Joker what to do with a retching Commander. EDI unlocked the door and Joker in his wisdom recommends showering her off before she can pass out again."

"I knew you didn't override the lock. Even my damn ship was against me." She grumbled. "And then you threw me into the shower!"

"Fully clothed, which apparently was even worse because Shepard began to complain while sitting on the floor under the water mind you." He shakes his head.

" Maybe Turrians don't have a sense of smell but humans sure do."

"Oh no you reeked, but I was not about to get into projectile range. So somehow it came to this one's clever mind that she should remove her water logged clothes and block up the drain."

"And then you asked me why I didn't have a tail!" She exclaimed indignantly. "I remember THAT part! If humans are descendent from primates, why don't you have a tail? Even Wrex had one."" She mocked his voice.

"Idle curiosity." He shrugged. "I didn't expect an anatomy lesson."

"Careful what you wish for Vakarian. I could have just had Mordin sent you the vids." Her tone softens when she mentions the Salarian.

"Like he did with you and Thane?"

"Ugh don't remind me. Apparently, antibiotics and closed containment areas are more erotic than hallucination inducing spit swaps. Which NEVER happened by the way." She says for more Kaidan's benefit.

"No but we at least have Fleet and Flotilla to go off of."

"Or Jokers collection."

"Typical classy Shepard. So did you just tell Hackett no one else would take the job." He had managed to get back to his original inquiry without mortifying Shepard more than was his due as her closest friend.

"He suggested others but I wouldn't have it. Kaidan backed me up thankfully." She rested her head on his shoulder affectionately. He did notice the slur at the ends of her words.

"James? Just because he is going to be an N7."

"If he can ever past the tests." The drink was loosening Shepard's tongue; she would never speak doubts about her crew sober, even with these two. Garrus of course had heard about their two guests down below and had even spoken to them to alleviate the tedium of being glared out by the Prothean.

They chatted for a while longer, not really in any rush since they were still at least a day out from their destination. Kaidan could feel the effects of the alcohol making him drowsy but having Shepard snuggled up against him while she and Garrus gave each other shit was so nice he was not about to suggest they call it a night.

Luckily Garrus was almost as good at reading Shep as he was (at times probably better not that he liked to admit that) and used the excuse that he didn't want to finish off all of the dextro wine in one night as an excuse to head back down. Shepard muttered that he never gave her enough credit but her voice was slow and heavy giving her away.

"G'night Kaidan. Night Shepard." He stands and Shepard gets to her feet and Garrus chuckles. "Going to attempt the evil stairs again Shepard? I think I know the way out." He leans down and puts his forehead affectionately on hers. "Get to bed." He gives her a little push and waves a parting gesture at Kaidan before taking his exit.

"Damn Turrian. He is so irritating, good thing he is so good with our people or else we'd have no use for him." She gripes, flopping down next to Kadian again.

"I somehow doubt that." He responds trying to stifle a yawn.

"Whas that supposedsa mean?"

"Just that you like and hate him because he reminds you of yourself. Alcohol and all."

He stands and gathers empty glasses but Shepard helps herself to the last of the bottle's remnants. His limbs feel like lead but Shepard seemed content to keep right on drinking. Returning from the bathroom he leans against the wall and looks down at Shepard who had her legs up on the couch. He knew that look.

"You're drunk." He states the obvious.

"So are you." She giggles gesturing him over with a finger.

"Shepard you drank more than double what I did. We should both get to bed. AND sleep." He adds the last part when her face lights up.

"Damn you really are no fun. " She folds her arms under her breasts and sticks her bottom lip out pouting.

"You know that's not what you said earlier." He leans over her breathing on her neck.

"Alenko I am gonna kill you. Can't blame a girl for making up for lost time." Another flying pillow. This one he gestures and it returns back the way it came in a flash of blue.

"No fair using biotics!"She snatches the pillow out of the air and holds onto it tight.

"Says the woman who just drank a full bottle of liquor. Come on _Commander."_

"Ohhh ordering me around now Major? Didn't take long for power to go to your head, I'm not even off the ship yet."

One of the most infuriating things about Shepard (and there were many) was her ability to use sarcasm as a weapon. That last comment had stung but as flippant as she had delivered it Kaidan doubted she had meant it to be so abrasive. There was probally some underlying meaning behind it but honestly Kaidan was too drunk and tired to start that conversation without it turning into a argument quickly

Leaning down and scooping her up like a child he apparently takes her by surprise as she feels her tighten up before realizing he is carrying her over to the bed. Empty bottle and pillows cast aside and forgotten she crawls under the sheets and waits for him expectantly.

"Sleep Jane." He crawls in rolling his eyes.

"Oh God don't call me that."

"Don't call you your name?" He pulls her against his chest trying to settle her down.

"I told my mother once I was old enough I was going to change it. Always hated being called Jane." She says and looks at him almost surprised. Another crack in the armor, so Kaidan decided to push.

"So where did this PJ come from? I heard Aria call you it."

"Long story." She yawns and nestles into him; apparently his not so subtle plan was working. He tucks her hair behind her ear and starts running his fingers through it. That never failed to make her sleepy.

"Cheater." She sighed and leaning into it.

"So after Mindoir you were living on Omega."

"Barely, there were not really any major human settlements nearby so there were less than a few hundred humans and even less kids. So a…..friend told me I needed to learn how to blend in. Purple eyes and red hair if you need to steal food or get away from thugs is not an asset. So I started taking skin pigments, hair dye and got contacts all mousy brown. I was a "Plain Jane". I guess it worked because I am still here and they aren't." Her eyebrows knit at the memory of someone who must have mattered much to her in the dark days of her past.

"And that is why you know Aria will help. Because you know how she operates. " He squeezes her tight in the darkened room.

" Yea she was right much as I hate to admit it. We really do have more in common that I would like to admit. But thank you for trusting me with this. I think it will feel good to get some closure."

"You mean revenge."

Against Cerberus, against Aria T'Loak, against a past that since coming back from the dead was not contented to stay lost.

"Yeah, that too." Her eyes flash in the darkness before sleep takes them both.

* * *

A/N Welcome to all my lovely new followers! Sorry for the delay I was sitting on this chapter hoping the muse would cooperate (he didn't) and got fed up and just pushed ahead.

I am struggling with the next few chapters before getting into Levathian DLC. If there are any missions or scenes you think need to be included please review or message me before the home stretch.


	58. Chapter 58

Kaidan was in the family orchard in summer. The sun was beating down on him and he could smell the fresh sent of grass and flowers off the trees. It was July and it would be the last time he was home before going to Horizon. He also knew deep down that this was a dream.

The sun was warmer than it usually got this far north and the cool breeze had died away making the air still and dry in a way that was not natural to the place where he had grown up. Deep down he knew that this scene was gone, the Reapers had torched much of North America and it would be years before the trees might bloom again. Better to enjoy the memories than dwell on the truth.

That was when the ground began to shake; it was subtle at first like an engine starting up far away but soon became tremors before the tell-tale sound of a Reaper horn. The sky darkened as a shadow passed overhead. A shelled creature with a sound that made his teeth rattle. A Praetorian he instinctively knew, a creature he had missed while trying to save the colony on Horizon.

The realization hit him suddenly. The stillness and heat that he knew was so unlike Vancouver in his dream had transformed into Horizon. He followed the thing because he had to, the nightmare was leading him somewhere after all. He came upon the empty prefabs that he knew. All empty and silent, devoid of the families or children he had come to know during his deployment. All now gone because he had not been able to save them.

He heard a scream from one of the buildings. Femine and in terror.

_Shepard._ But somehow he knew it was not her. The voice too high and the scream not right. Charging weaponless into a house he almost trips over a pod, where the noise had been coming from.

_Lilith_. Her face was burnt but she was fighting, screaming in pain and terror the glass bloodied from her attempts to get out. Using his biotics he pulls and slams at the organic coffin but is unable to open it. Again he hears the death choir but this time he hears gunfire in response close by.

He is off again running; he had left the colonist to her fate. Part of his mind knew she was already dead, this was after all a dream but it did not make him feel any less guilty after seeing the terror in her eyes.

He saw and felt the particle beam touch down and scorch the earth. Many of the trees were smoldering in a clearing but a voice drew his eyes upward. A cold, emotionless voice that confirmed what he had already known he was about to see.

"You have no one left Shepard, your interference has ended." More gunfire and another blast of heat as the beam touches down. Kaidan breaks through the trees and sees Shepard, her armor blacked and charred beyond recognition, shooting with that damned pistol, alone against the flying foe.

Even in his nightmare her senses are good because she must have heard him running to her. She turns, leaning heavily to one side. Her right thigh a bloody mess but she sees him and even in her bloody state she just smiles. A loving smile because she knew he was safe.

The beam fires again, this time because she was distracted it hits her full on. With no shields or armor left to protect her she disintegrates in front of him before he can reach her. Silently she burns from the inside. The haunting smile the last thing disintegrate like leaves in a fire, she extends her already deteriorating hand out to him but he receives only ashes.

A sharp pain in his ribs jolts Alenko awake. His nightmare was for the time being over but Shepard was still in the throes of her own by the looks. Wrapping his arms around her and pinning her arms it takes a long time before she stills again, her heart pounding in her chest like a snared rabbit but eventually she does.

The dream still on his mind he slowly releases Shepard. Yes definitely going to have a bruise on his ribs in the morning but the image of Shepard's death and Garrus's comment about her getting wounded still troubled him. The whole bloody massacre seemed too authentic to be merely a drunk inspired night terror.

Shepard had stilled enough for Kaidan to know she was back asleep, at least for the time being. Sitting up slowly he activates his biotics just in the palm of his hand. The cool blue illuminating the bed softly but not enough to rouse Shepard. Pulling the cover aside and turning her leg slowly he pushes away the image of the bloody mess from his dream; the wound had been her inner thigh.

Surely if it had been there he would have noticed it in their times together since he rejoined? He touches her leg and she grunts softly but in the pale light he sees a discoloration in the flesh of her inner thigh, likely the result of a sever burn such as a proton beam cutting through armor.

But he had not actually seen her wounded on Horizon. Garrus had not even said where she had taken the damage or that her armor had been weakened how did he know where to look? His nightmare had told him. Just as he had never seen Lilith in a pod or damaged but had seen it in his nightmare.

"You really are unbelievable you know." Her eyes open looking down at him, his hand still placed on her inner thigh. "Last I remember you told me no and now you are waking me up like this?" She chuckles and runs her fingers through his hair.

"Sorry, really it's not what it looks like." Something in his voice must have given him away because Shepard leans up and intertwines her fingers in his still glowing hand.

"You too huh? I didn't hurt you too bad did I?" She frowns.

"Not too bad, actually I was already up anyway. On Horizon Garrus said you got hit. It was there wasn't it?" He runs his free hand along the faint discoloration. She nods and turns into his touch.

"There was more to it than that." She was reading the worry in his face.

"How did I know that? I mean you never told me. But somehow I just knew, dreamt about you on Horizon fighting that Praetorian and getting hit."

"Just now? That's really weird, was I talking in my sleep or something?"

"What do you mean?" Kaidan was absentmindedly running his fingers down her leg, sometimes he really just needed to remind himself she was still here.

"I guess I must have. I don't know, Horizon and the Collectors have been on my mind recently a lot, making their way into my nightmares. "

"No Shep you didn't. I mean I was tearing through the houses and trying to release survivors before I got to you." Apparently what he had said struck a nerve because Shep's face had become strained, her eyes wide with disbelief.

"And I was out of ammo and only had my pistol left. My armor was damaged …" her head tilts looking at him suspiciously.

"Your femoral was hit when you tumbled out of the way and I was trying to get to you. You heard me and turned to me."

"And I died but you were safe." She finishes, her brow furrowed.

"Not gonna lie that is kinda creepy Kaidan. " She sits up and pulls away from him. Her face a wash of concern and suspicion. "Are you sure you never read the reports from Chakwas or the repair logs from my armor?"

"Pretty sure yeah. I mean it could be nothing."

"Maybe." She was not sounding convinced at all. He pulls her close and notices how warm she really was. An after effect of too much drink no doubt.

"Come on lets go shower. We are still a few hours out from landing I am sure we can find a way to spend the early morning."

For the rest of the morning Shepard was emotionally distant. After a quick meal she had retreated back to her reports and asked Kaidan to let her know when they were preparing to descend. The Normandy would actually be landing on the surface to avoid detection from space and give EDI and Joker some time to work on systems in the downtime. Shepard would be taking the shuttle to meet "an old friend" as soon as they were settled and she got in touch with Hackett.

On the way down Alenko grabbed the co-pilot seat and EDI clearly amused took up the navigator's. Having never flown the second Normandy he felt it was a good experience, having logged so many hours with Joker they naturally fell back into a rhythm that helped him handle the girl (the Normandy, not EDI ….Though where the distinction was he no doubt did not want to ask Monroe).

Shepard appeared behind him and gave him an inquisitive look and a smirk but said nothing. EDI and Joker had plotted out a steep descent into the mountains north of the former monastery. The weather for the next few hours would co-operate but after that would pick back up hopefully obscuring any searches from space. Shepard had agreed with their call after all Joker had managed to drop them in less at Illos and that was without EDI and Alenko assisting.

"Wow!" Shepard's eyes scanning the snowcapped mountains as they descend.

"What's the matter Shepard you act like you have never seen mountains before." Joker does not even look up from his panel.

"Well yeah Rio had the Mantiqueira that we had to camp out in but that was my first time on Earth. There was nothing like this." She gestures out the window.

"Yeah I know it's hard to believe but I am not much of a skier myself." Kaidan glances over at the two. Shepard's eyes still wide taking in the view but he catches Joker's sly wink in his direction.

"Cuz that is something that would count as exercise?"

"More like I don't like things that mess with my special awareness. What do you think a snowsuit would do?"

"Aside from make you look like a marshmallow? "

Final Descent Commander. EDI chimes in

A few moments later they touch down in a snow covered valley. The maps Tevos had given them indicated there were tunnels deep within the mountains that predated the monastery and were likely still useable. Provided of course they could find them with the snow messing with their instruments.

"So what do you think Commander? I think she will do."

Kaidan stands up and grins when he notices Shepard still has the vaguely childlike look of wonder as she stares at the distant mountains and drifting snow that had been such a common-place part of his Canadian Rockies upbringing.

"Oh Kaidan their perfect."

The next few hours were a blur of scan read outs, recon teams and supply run downs. The good news was that there was no Reaper activity since their initial attack which had wiped out the colony. The bad news was after the bomb there was not much else either.

Shepard was quick to point out that was why they had picked this location. Hearing Shepard say it was doable and breakdown the steps they needed to take and then remembering that Kaidan himself was going to be the one actually doing it was two very different things. The crew had been informed that this would be Kaidan's mission hours ago and no one had said anything but Shepard had not informed them that she would not be around either.

Samara had left soon after they had landed to meet up with Falare and see what progress her daughter had made. She had been given a copy of the tunnel maps and was confident she would be able to meet back up with them before nightfall. Shepard had assigned Vega a few crew members and Tali to explore some of the tunnels and report back.

Shepard herself was in the armory preparing a second shore group that she would be leading. She was taking the two Asari with her and was assigning them equipment (well after Vega had left Kaidan noted) as well as Gabby from engineering who was buzzing about getting to go out with Shepard. It certainly didn't help the fact that the engineer had no equipment of her own and had to borrow some of Shep's.

"You ladies all have fun now." Kaidan said over the intercom as he saw the 4 figures exit the hanger and head into the snow. So far Vega's team had discovered only a few places where comm's were an issue and Tali was updating their maps and sending them to Gabby.

"Have fun and send pictures!" Joker leaned into the comm and is rewarded with the sound of three chuckles and Gabby's annoyed muttering.

"Ack man why you have to put that thought into my head now!" Ken's voice came in over the channel.

"Welcome!" Joker grinned and got to his feet next to Kaidan. Half the crew had already been assigned rotations and both Kaidan and Garrus would be up to their eyeballs in reports until things got going. Joker and EDI for once had the lightest load.

"I'm gonna catch some shuteye until they all get back. EDI and Liara are on communications downstairs. Wake me if you know you need something flown."

The purpose of having the two Asari with Shepard was as usual two-fold. Yes they needed as much of the tunnels explored as fast as possible but also it let Shepard see them in action. Many of the tunnels needs to be cleared and the two Commando's proved to be more than willing to get their hands dirty with Shepard while Gabby played cartographer.

Having the young engineer go with her had been genius on Shepard's part. The girl was bright and innovative but she had never been a field agent so didn't notice Shepard evaluating the two guests. In addition, by letting the woman borrow her armor all the information from her omni that was shared with Tali was uploaded into Shepard's armor giving both Shep and EDI instantaneous access as their map which was being filled out bit by bit. The orange map had replaced the Normandy on the galaxy map and Kaidan was making notes of old rooms and tunnels as the teams worked their way toward the monastery.

"You know if this had been a live fire exercise the little "oh you can borrow my armor" would never have worked." Garrus had met Kaidan at the map with a smirk on his face.

"If it had been live fire you don't think Shepard and two Commando's could keep an unarmored human alive?"

"Oh sure but Gabby's too trusting and fresh. Tali would have been better."

"Exactly why she's with Vega." Kaidan smiled pointing to the network that they had already covered. They were easily double pacing Shepard.

"You really do sound like her." A subharmonic chuckle and a strong hand on his shoulder as they both watch the map connect to the monastery.


	59. Chapter 59

The term bone weary barely described Kaidan's feeling right now. The teams had mostly reported back in and the results showed over 150km of tunnels into the mountains mostly intact, not even including the remains of the temple which Samara had not returned with yet. He and Garrus had spent hours going over the holos and arranging supplies with Cortez before Tevo's ships would being to arrive in the next few days. He felt like they were ants in an ant hill hunkering down into the old tunnels. Shepard had been right there was no reason anyone let alone a synthetic race would come checking this planet without being alerted.

Shepard and Vega's teams had both reported back and were unloading supplies when Kaidan had told them he needed a break. He had grabbed a helmet just in case and headed into the tunnels leading up with no real direction in mind. Everything that needed to be arranged had his head spinning and he also knew what was next. Shepard would be off on her own leaving it all in his supposedly capable hands.

_No pressure there._

But he knew that many of the details had been worked out before they even had entered the system. Shepard had seen to Tevos and Aria even convinced Javik to help instruct some of the "primitives" in his unique abilities if he could (yes she had openly challenged him to get him on board) he thought with a laugh. The survivors would start arriving as soon as the supplies did and he had a week before the Normandy would be on their way leaving Samara and the Commando's to mind their pet project.

The cold air broke Kaidan's internal self-doubts and brought him back to the present. The tunnels were dark enough under the mountains that he had needed the headlamps on but while he had been walking he had not noticed it becoming gradually lighter and the air cooler. He took his helmet off and smelled the clear, crisp air.

A feeling of homesickness stuck him as he surveys the expanse. The tunnel he had emerged from opened up overlooking the whole valley. Far below him he could barely see black figures moving against the Normandy which was smaller than his palm from this distance. The smell of trees and snow made him think of home as his eyes drifted over the figures discernible from this high up.

_Ants indeed._

"It really is a beautiful view." A voice from behind him snaps his attention back. One of Aria's Asari steps out into the light and admires the snow pack across the valley. She sees his annoyance at her intrusion and spreads her palms out in a peace gesture before leaning over the edge of the dead fall and whistling at the incline.

"Quite a drop off however." She takes two steps away from the edge before turning back to the Major. "I was exploring the tunnels myself when I heard you. I didn't even know who it was until you steeped out into the light. " She extends her hand to him.

"Excuse me Major. We were never formally introduced. I am Plava. It will be an honor to work with you." For a Commando that snuck aboard a high security ship she seemed straight forward enough. He shook her hand reluctantly to which she laughed, a musical noise the echoed down the valley.

"Were you expecting a demon tail perhaps? Cloven hooves or glowing red eyes? No perhaps you are just basing everything you know about Commandos off of your unfortunate encounters with Benezia and the disciple Shila. I can assure you that I nor Shar are anything like that. Those that will come later I doubt will be either. We are, like you doing our part in a war where everything is at stake." She frowns and seeing he is not convinced goes on.

"One thing you must learn about Asari culture Major is that it is expected that a young Maidan study at the feet of a Matron after she has spent some time away from the home worlds. A thousand years of learning and experience takes decades if not centuries to understand. So when someone catches the eye of your Matron and sets things in motion that will change the entire galaxy you yourself need to know more. "She gives him an appraising smile before chuckling again at his discomfort.

"Aria did not assign me to come here Major. I volunteered. I saw dozens of my sisters and friends die when we lost Omega, I knew of the Reapers and Collectors but we never saw the true threat Cerberus possessed until it was too late. Aria can pull the strings to make Tevos dance, they have worked together for centuries but Shepard is another case all together. She is enough to make both Matron's pause as well as the Illusive Man. "

"But you are staying here not going back to Omega." Shepard had told the crew she would be leaving and he assumed the woman's employer had told them the specifics of the agreement.

"As I told you I volunteered to come here, where I feel I am most needed. The strategic planning that it will require to take back the Terrminus, the ground war in highly populated zones that is the domain of Aria and Shepard. You and I however should be here."

"Well I know Aria only takes the best "he said recalling her cutting remark to Shepard. "So I am curious what you can do aside from sneak in an airlock."

"Tell me Major are you a fan of skiing by chance?" She looks to Kaidan and then back again to the Normandy in the valley below.

"I used to be as a kid. It's been a while though…Why?"

He follows her gaze into the valley below and as he turns back he sees the Commando extending her arms out to either side, blue biotics flowing around her in a sphere as she winks at him with a grin and takes a charge off the edge.

Mindful of the edge Kaidan watches the woman slide down the edge of the slope, a blue light against the stark white. She does tumble once to twice but to her credit she manages to get down to the valley floor without any broken limbs. Putting his helmet back on Kaidan shakes his head. Just when he thought he had everything almost in place the galaxy sees fit to give him another wrench to play with.

"More crazy? I thought we were all filled up." Shaking his head and putting his helmet back on he heads back into the tunnels.

* * *

A/N I will be out of town the next week so I wanted to get a little chapter up in case I can't post more before I go. I will probably be unable to upload while away but I will most likely be writing so hopefully you will get several consecutive chapters upon my return. Huzzah! Also I admit I have a bunch of ideas for the next few chapters but they are being a bear so as always reviews and comments are much, MUCH loved even critical ones.


	60. Chapter 61

"You know Gabby is still buzzing about going out in the field with you." Kaidan grins as he hands Shepard a thermos. He had managed to track her down to a small overlook they had discovered halfway up the mountains where she had started reading some more of her data logs several hours ago.

Shepard looks up with a wry smile and accepts the mug gratefully. Her eyes were rimmed with red from staring at the screens to long and Kaidan congratulated himself on knowing she would need a break before she ripped her hair out of her head in some secluded corner of the planet.

"She's cute and if we take Tali out with an envirosuit I figured it would be good for her."

"But Tali uses a shotgun." Kaidan chuckles, wrapping his arm around Shep's waist. She leans into him and he waits for it. She takes a sip of the thermos and a surprised grin spreads across her face.

"Oh my God Kay. Where did you get hot chocolate from?!"

"It's only half chocolate. I wouldn't dare deprive you of your coffee."

"So it's an orgasmic Arnold Palmer."

"Well we are in the mountains. You are supposed to have hot chocolate in the mountains. And when you get back you can have the other half." He takes the thermos from Shepard and drinks the rest with a smirk.

"Oh you evil, evil man." She laughs. "Where did you learn such bullshit tactics?"

"Only from the best Ma'am. "

He dodges a half-hearted punch in the arm but he loved seeing the bridge of her nose crinkle as she laughed. Her cheeks pink from the cold and occasional snowflakes taking residence in her windblown hair. This was the Shepard he knew, that few others in the galaxy were allowed to see.

"Oh god you are going sappy on me again Alenko. I can read it all over your face." She pretends to look annoyed. Rolling her eyes and turning away from him, back over the mountains that they had claimed for base camp.

"And here I was ready to tell you how beautiful and stunning you look with your hair covered in snow. That I can't wait for all this to be over so I can take you to Earth and show you what real mountains look like. The Canadian Rockies wouldn't be on the Reapers radar."

"Sounds like you are making some serious plans Kaidan. "

"If it gives you something to look forward to besides kicking Harbinger back to hell why not? Seeing your face light up when we landed in the mountains made me realize there is a hell of a lot more than being a solder that you need to experience."

"I don't think I know how to be a civilian Kaidan. It always seemed like on to a bigger and better mission. If we get through this what do you think will be left?"

"_When _we get through this I will teach you how to ski and find some secluded place to teach you about downtime where you can be Jane or Shep or PJ and not The Commander Shepard all the time. " He pauses thoughtfully and runs a finger through her hair feeling the snowflakes melt on contact.

"Maybe even grow your hair out."

"Now you're going too far!" She says with a grin.

"So when do you call Hackett?"

"First thing in the morning. Well 0300 actually. Aria's got a small ship en route but it has to jump four times before heading here to avoid tracking. In the meantime I got plenty of nightmare material to keep me up." She motions to the datapads.

"The stuff Dr. Sanders gave you? I thought you knew about the stuff from your friend Jack?"

"Jack is not exactly a R&D kinda girl. And some of the stuff Sander's passed on is highly classified. We shouldn't even have our hands on it except for the whole chain of command kinda being shot thing."

"Forget that. We both know you are owed a few promotions let alone Alliance keeping everything deniable is what got us so screwed over when the Reapers hit Earth. So anything actually useful?"

"If we had months and scientists with labs to look into it maybe. Cerberus was throwing all they had at it and they figured out how to make their own people into husks." She shivers. "But there was one case Kahlee and David found. A former cerebrus agent that they tested on. He became indoctrinated to the Reapers but he also developed biotics. The Reapers were looking into biotics and human variability. That might be our clue."

"And what about the stuff Cerebrus brought to Omega? Any idea what you are dealing with there? The reports coming ou, what little there is don't match anything we have seen before."

She shakes her head. "Plava, the older Asari fought them before Aria ordered the evac. She gave me a briefing."

"Yea she seems like an….interesting one."

"I heard about her little dare devil act. She is alright as far as Aria's cronies go. The other one I would keep an eye and a tracker on."

"Is that were Samara is? I haven't seen her back at the Normandy yet."

"I had a feeling so I asked her to swing around. Turns out our Commandos don't trust each other as much as we don't trust them."

"Oh great. This is what you are leaving me with?"

"Welcome to the joys of command Major. You remember Williams and Pressley watching Wrex and Garrus when we brought them on board?"

"Fair point. How long before any other ships start showing up?"

"A day at the earliest and that will just be supplies before the people start coming in. Falare said most of the monastery is gone but with so many hands on deck you will at least have a head start. You still are going to have to keep populations of refugees small and spread out to avoid notice."

The sun dips below the mountains changing the sky to shades of purple as night fast approaches. With one last lingering sigh Kaidan pulls Shepard against him and waits for the first few stars to appear in the sky.

* * *

A/N Ok so this is not the whole chapter I had planned out but it turned out a bit more fluffy and a little less informative than I planned on it being. Also the rest is not edited anywhere near decent so expect an update this weekend!

Welcome to all the new readers, followers and lurkers. You guys have been so quiet with reviews I am beginning to wonder if I have just totally jumped the shark and everyone is just humoring me :)


	61. Chapter 60

The blinking orange light in the otherwise dark Normandy barely illuminated the hands in front of the XO's room panel that were trying to hack into the door. After several failed attempts the door turns an angry red and the muted glow of an omni illuminates an Asari face.

"For someone who has centuries left to live you seem to have a death wish." Plava steps toward the other Asari who curses in the native tongue. Straightening up Shar gives an annoyed glance at the red lock before turning away in disgust.

"Done making goo-goo eyes at the L2?" The younger asks with a grin.

"You sneak back aboard a ship with a fully intergraded AI, trying to break into the Shadow Brokers room and you are asking me if I am making moves on Shepard's second?. You are such a child."

"Ah. So didn't go well I take it." Shar grins to which Plava rolls her eyes. "Besides T'Soni is the new Shadow Broker imagine what kind of intel she had just behind that door."

"Which she is using to aid the war effort, remember? And she is a Matriarch's daughter it's not like she is going to have everything sitting open without layers and layers of security."

"Now you are just tempting me." Shar juts her lip out at the challenge.

"No I am warning you. You are going to get yourself in too deep and there are no second chances. Aria allowed you to come because she thought you might be useful. If you are so intent on learning secrets try the Traynor woman or the Quarian. Until more Asari start arriving and you can make yourself useful keep your fool head down."

"Okay Mom." She sneers and Plava wheels on her, grabbing the younger by the throat and lifting her off her feet.

"Need I remind you that half our crew got whipped out before we even made it off Omega? Sisters that I knew longer than you have been alive dropped like stones in front of those….things. And you got away because you can hack an instrument panel. So can half the humans on this ship, so if I think you are endangering this mission**"I will end you."** Blue biotics flow around Plava's hand and up her fingers, just enough to tighten around Shar's throat. Without another word she drops Shar who to her credit land on her feet without stumbling backward. She gives Plava a dangerous grin.

"About time you acted like on of Aria's. Might be some fight left in you yet, we will need that."

They exit the ship in silence and a pair of icy blue eyes fade back into the darkness unobserved.

* * *

A/N Just a little update to let you know I am kinda-sortof back. I hope to have a real chapter of substance up Thursday. Thanks to all the readers who favorite or follow I will probably be working on some other projects soon and more info to come :)


	62. Chapter 62

Plava? Is that what you are calling yourself now?"

Same as you calling yourself Shepard after hiding the name for years. One name is as good as another, the deeds behind it are what matter."

"Says the Commando who served T'Loak for how long? Most run back to Thessia or an outer colony as soon as they can."

"Don't be so hard on Aria, Shepard. I know you never saw eye-to-eye but she has been fighting back in her own way for the past few years. I stayed to be the devil's advocate as human's say. The voice of reason, after she lost you and then her Turrian lover she needed someone to balance her out."

Shepard snorts derisively "She never HAD me. She tried to use me as a pawn and it didn't work."

"Oh please, you think she would have allowed Liselle anywhere near you if you hadn't been trustworthy."

Shepard gives a noncommittal snort looking over the snowcapped mountains again, lost in thought. The Asari had known Shepard before she had been Shepard. The now Commander against the Reapers had been a starving little street urchin when the assistant to Aria had first seen her. The pit fights and tranning had been Shepard's idea not Aria's but the Pirate Queen was never one to pass up an opportunity.

"And the other one? Shar? Don't tell me she is a concert Soprano too?"

"No she is very young, eager to prove herself to Aria but has to learn to take orders. You remember Liselle at 60? Same thing."

"Sex, guns and drugs. Awesome So why is she here?"

"Because we are not in a position to turn away help? Why she volunteered is another question entirely but provided your Justicar does not kill her and I don't feel the need to she will come in handy."

Shepard nods " Aerytha will be sending more of her own Commando's in a few days. Maybe she can integrate there?" The Asari looks over to Shepard questioningly.

"That did not sound like a command."

"That's because it isn't. Ask Major Alenko what he thinks, As of 0500 tomorrow this is his show."

Shar was sitting on a set of crates, her knees pulled up and her arms firmly wrapped around them. She was looking at Tali with an expression of awe as the Quarrian programed. Kaidan had said the young Asari should make herself useful with Gabby and Tali and would assign her to biotics training once things got more regimented.

" If you have something to ask do it. Don't just sit there wide-eyed you look like a Vorcha." Tali said with wry amusement. It was unusual to not be the youngest member of the team anymore. True the Asari was probably decades older but everything about her demeanor reminded Tali of herself when she had first been on her Pilgrimage back in the early days.

"Actually Tali'Zorah I have like a hundred but I think you would throw me out datapads and all if I just started blabbering away."

"You are nervous. Lots of people blabber when they are nervous. Try a few and see." _God I sound like Auntie Raan. _

"How can you program so fast with only three fingers?!" Well that certainly wasn't what Tali had been expecting. This girl was so young and somehow she had made it off Omega during the onslaught.

"Years of practice. I started learning before I could read and write." She replied truthfully.

" your suit. Does it really have a Geth inside it?"

Shar looked to the datapades she had spread out in a semicircle in front of her and grabbed one Tali had given her with specs of the upgraded Geth. She then looked back to Tali straining her neck as if the Geth would actually be hanging off her somewhere like a shotgun. Tali chuckles and shakes her head, her fingers still flying over the keys.

"Read that part already I see. Yes my suit along with several other Quarian volunteers have active Geth intergraded into them. It was kind of weird at first and embarrassing but I think it is a learning experience for both of us."

The Asari nods and begins typing notes into the pad. With a final command, Tali's omnitool bings and she pulls up what the girl had sent her. The Asari had managed to upload several key specs of the Reaper tech that she had managed to scan while the evacuation was going on. Much of the information about the Cerberus controlled Adjectants was blank but Shar had cross filled the monsters with other Reaper types for comparision. She had also included several files she had lifted from Cerebrus officers that would come in handy. All in all impressive stuff.

"Very nice. You are very resourceful." High praise coming from a Quarian but the girl did not seem flattered.

"Dad was a Salarian. My mother always said I took after him in everything but skin color." She shrugged.

"Is that the woman you came with?" An asari that would rather tech around than practice biotics in a camp set up for training Commandos, the Ancestors really had a sense of humor.

"Plava? Goddess no! She is more like the super-strict Aunt who you can't get rid of. My mother got killed years back. She and my father were both Talons, she got killed during some turf war or drug heist gone bad. Plava knew my mom and stepped in so I didn't wind up like all the other orphans on Omega- an addict, a prostitute or dead. "She looks up at Tali, a sad expression crosses her face.

"You know, I was born on Omega. Plava used to tell me if I didn't start working on my biotics and stop messing around she would send me to a training camp on Thessia. Now I guess I'll never get to go."

"It will be rebuilt. Who knows maybe some of the stuff we are working on here, right now will go to the reconstruction effort for your people. We already have Tevos and Aria onboard." Tali says optimistically. Shepard had taught her that no matter what people had to keep a sense of hope alive or else the Reapers would win.

"I guess. But here I am going to have to start taking biotics classes under her like I'm a thirty year old all over again. " She lamented in that way that only teenaged girls can lament. Tali chuckled and decided she liked the girl.

"Hey have you ever tried uploading Geth into other platforms?" Shar asked suddenly grabbing a pad in each hand.

* * *

A/N Happy Weekend all :) It has been a killer few weeks but I am still here. I decided I needed to flesh out my two OC a bit more before story goes much further. Also somehow my chapters got switched around when I made a much needed edit to chap 60.

And if anyone reading just so happens to be a Dragon Age fan as well I have started a Jowan FF called Blood that you might enjoy if you are as bioware obsessed as I am. Cheers -Raven


	63. Chapter 63

Shepard left the next morning with minimal fanfare. She commed in Hackett and after getting an update it was clear that they needed the Terminus or else communication for the Alliance would become a severe liability across all theaters. As much as both Kaidan and Hackett had been against the idea originally it had become a necessity.

Transferring over the command codes was eerily for him but she had insisted. Communication would be difficult and all would go through their personal accounts, after all this was not an Alliance operation. Kaidan wondered if this was how Shepard had felt before the Alpha relay but he did not think it wise to ask.

The shuttle that arrived in the early morning was a nondescript Kodiak with only the Batarian pilot who Shepard apparently knew by name. This Bray character personified every stereotype Kaidan had come to think of with the Omega Station. Shady, self-centered and hostile for no apparent reason.

Shepard stepping out of the Normandy bay in Cerberus armor and putting on the phantom helmet is a memory burned into his mind. Her demeanor was tight and professionally distant even as he wanted to pull her to him and beg her to be careful; he knew she would not allow it. She had given him a salute and boarded the shuttle taking up the navigator chair.

That had been three days ago and still no word. Hackett had warned them that delays or black outs were more and more frequent and Shepard planned a route with several jumps to prevent anyone for discovering Lessus as their source. Luckily for Kaidan he had more work than he knew what to do with, so he had less time to worry about her. Samara and Falere were excellent teachers to the first waves of survivors. But neither had any logistic skills to speak of, Samara made a good deal of the Asari on edge and Falere had lived in mostly seclusion for the past few centuries so had limited people skills across the board. So Garrus and he were in charge of everything else in addition to the students Kaidan had been teaching.

"Major a word with you? " A voice from the doorway indicated he was not alone. It had been late and most of the crew had gone to bed so Kaidan had kept the door to the CIC open . Having adopted Shepard's bad habit of using the table after the scanner as a personal workspace he tended to lose track of time. He had not heard steps approaching but looked up to see Samara standing at parade rest.

"Samara, come in. I meant to catch up with you and talk about the students but I got caught up." He gestures to the data pads and blinking light on the terminal. How many hours had it been? Three? Four? He glances at the omni display. It was past 0200. It had been almost six. How did Shepard manage all this while running missions for Cerberus?

"That is precisely why I sought you out Major Alenko." She steps in and gives a warm smile. "I am sure Mrs. Traynor told you we will be having two more arrivals today. Bringing our numbers up to well over two hundred students and refuges."

No, he hadn't gotten to that one yet. He hadn't even seen Sam since she, Tali and the younger Asari Shar had taken up residency in the CIC trying to get some of the comm buoys up and running. He would have to change rotations again or convince Tevos to send more aid. The Justicar continued having seen his answer in his expression.

"I have a suggestion if I may."

"Of course this is going to be your show in a few weeks." He was almost counting the days. He missed Alliance where he could focus on training his kids and leave the background stuff to the pencil pushers.

"The reason Shepard is so effective with limited resources is she uses her people to their abilities. You and Garrus are both fine commanders but you both have other concerns. On top of that you wish to teach students like you did back on Earth."

"I'm not hearing your suggestion Samara..." He lets out a yawn in spite of himself.

"Share the responsibilities. Now that you have seen what people are capable of put them to use. I suggest you start by having Plava help you with all this." She waves a gloved hand at the mess.

"The one who Shepard had you tail? Didn't you both tell me not to trust her?"

"Yes and I have continued to do so. She is more than capable and while I do not know her motives her desire to help in any way she can is earnest."

While Kaidan was not one to nay say a thousand year old walking book of ethics he was not quick to trust someone who worked for the Pirate Queen for decades and suddenly had a change of heart. No matter how impressive her biotics may be, that did not mean she was capable in other fields.

"You know I care for Shepard as a daughter. In fact she reminds me very much of my daughter Mirala as a young girl. Bold, strong, but at times blinded by her own bias. I know Shepard has a past that she does not take pride in but I think in these dark days we cannot turn aside any ally. You are in charge Kaidan, it is ultimately your decision." She pats his hand affectionately (at least as much as he had seen her anyway) and exits.

"Put your backs into it! You look like off balanced water fowl!" The wind carries Plava's voice into the tunnels as Kaidan heads up to one of the exits that the Asari had been using to teach her classes. As much as he had seen Liara's class as well as Farele and Javik he had mostly avoided the other Asari. He couldn't put his finger on it but something about her made him uneasy. The fact that Samara had suggested he get more help had voiced the former Commando as a potential did not make him feel better.

Exiting the tunnels, he is briefly blinded by the reflection of the sun on the expanse of white. A group of ten Asari are assembled each with a small ball of anti-matter in front of them. They are shaping it as if it were some arcane spell he thinks. The wind up here is strong and cold and more than one of the girls look a bit bluer than when they arrived.

The young one Shar sees him and grins. Instantly her singularity becomes unstable and flings her off her feet. He had heard already from Tali as well as Javik that she was going to be a hard study. There was a reason many of these Asari had decided not to become Commandos and instead have left their home world to search the colonies. In all honestly many of them would not be here had they not.

Two of the others drop their own and help the girl to her feet which draws Plava's attention.

"If there was a Brute charging, all three of you would be dead. Do you ever see a Reaper stop to check on the person next to them? Do you think Cerberus has moral checks when they lose too many minons." Turning and seeing Kaidan she gives a nod. "Alright you've wasted enough time. Pair off and practice your dodges. If I think you are going easy on each other I'll jump in and see how well you do." She gives a grin and Kaidan can tell she is serious because the girls immediately jump to action.

They step inside the tunnel to cut the windy but Plava keeps her eye on the groups.

"Coming to check on the recruits or the teacher Major?" She smiles at him and suddenly he feels self-conscious. It was clear she was good with the girls and he had heard good things from the other teachers so why did he feel odd giving her more responsibilities?

"Uhh.. a little of both I guess. You know if you wanted to have them outside to train there is plently of room in the valley."

"Air is thinner up here. Your Letintunant Vega told me he had combat on Menae, much thinner atmos. If we are going to go against Reapers wherever they are we should be ready for anything."

"Ah. And here I was thinking you would have said something about the final test being straight down the mountain." She chuckles.

"We need them in fighting shape Major, not in traction. Beside I haven't seen you or the other teachers try it so I can't expect my girls to do it…yet."

"Well the reason I came up here was mostly to see how you are settling in. I know many of your classes are twice as big and we still have more on the way. They seem to be doing very well however." He motions outside to the small groups still engaged in hand to hand.

"After everything it took to get them here Major it is good to see they still have fight left in them. As for me it has been a while since I have had students of my own but old habits die hard or so they say." She crosses her arms and looks at him.

"Why didn't you tell me you had experience teaching?"

"If I had told you I taught biotics longer than your species has had biotics you would have assumed I was 1) bragging or 2) lying possibly both. And it would lead you to ask questions that you do not want to ask."

"Oh and aside from sneaking on a ship and skiing down mountains what kind of questions do I need to ask to know about you?" Something about her cool demeanor was putting him on edge. It gave the feeling that she was leading him around by the nose. Samara had watched the woman threaten the girl who she had taken charge of but still they really knew nothing about the motives of either one of the two minions of the Pirate Queen.

"That is up to you. It is clear that once you and the Normandy leave you are going to need people who can handle the military aspect of this school. It is clear that neither the Justicar nor her daughter fill that role. So unless you have more people in route and soon you need help."

"Are you volunteering?"

"Are you trying to tell me that is not what you came up here to talk about? Unless you wanted to ask one of the girls out while Shepard is away, you have made it perfectly clear that I make you…uncomfortable." She looks him up and down just to prove her point.

"Yes I want there to be more people involved in the set up so when we leave as you said the school can fend for itself." He admitted choosing to ignore her bait." Reconstruction is slow with such a small crew and will pick up when we get more people to switch out."

She nods thoughtfully . " And the Commandos that are arriving are more like battered refugees. Your doctor Chakwas as had me looking at some of the ones that saw combat."

Kaidan was unaware of that. He knew many of the Asari coming in were not ready for combat but Tevos seemed more the bleeding heart for her people than was porbally good for the early stages of this place.

"I don't want to have to turn away people." He admitted, surprising himself. Plava nods looking out over the recruits. Her eyes falling on the girl Shar.

"I know but this is not a colony, if to many people arrive we are bound to attract attention if not the Reapers, than Cerberus. It is not a risk we can take right now. I will help in any way you allow under two conditions."

"And those are?" Something about her serious demeanor and the quirk of her lip sparked his intrest.

"One Shar remains in my class. Anyone else might let her go easy and I won't. And two you tell the Justicar to stop tailing me at night. It is getting kind of creepy."

Kaidan laughs in spite of himself and agrees.


	64. Chapter 64

The sound of gunfire in the distance was so constant you could forget it meant there was a war going on. The dim lights of emergency power gave everything a more sinister glow. Large congealing pools of blood on the floor didn't help the décor either. Voices that Kaidan could not make out, indistinct in the background made him feel like he was working inside a metal canister that was about to depressurize.

A dark corridor, cramped and low he is crawling in the dark. Every sound bouncing back at him making him hold his breath for fear that those things would hear them and attack while they were most vulnerable in the tight quarters. His armor feels to heavy in the hot still air making his sweat. Finally they emerge from the tube they had been using to get across unnoticed when he looks up he sees a red outline of a square and vertical slash through the bottom. _Omega._

It was the middle of the night and Kaidan woke with him head feeling like it was tearing itself apart. The days efforts had been both rewarding and overwhelming at the same time. So much so that he had retreated to the loft to catch a few hours of sleep in blissful silence. Apparently someone somewhere had other plans.

Sitting up in bed he notices the display flashing in the darkened room insistent. Before bed he had shut off his official channels so he could get some sleep and would have dealt with all the reports from Hackett in the morning (or more likely ignore them until he absolutely had to). This had to be to his personal account, and he was sure he knew who it was. Crossing the darkened room in his briefs he logs in and rubs the bridge of his nose to try to make the room stay still damnit.

No sender info, no sender info but there was no doubt who had sent the line. The time stamp showed it had been sent less than an hour ago.

_Hey awake?_

Sitting at the desk and squinting at the screen he could visualize Shepard saying that to him. That half smirk on her lips as she tried to downplay the situation so he didn't worry. That always made him worry more but so was the nature of their relationship. Reaching to her stash of coffee in the dark with one hand he dashes off the reply with the other. As much as he needed sleep he knew it would be a few hours off now.

_Am now. Not sure how long of a delay we are getting._

Kaidan went to the bathroom to get water and dunked his head under the faucet. To his surprise before the coffee was done brewing he heard a light ding from the terminal.

_Not much. Had one of her techs Gerry rig something for me. I need you to do something for me that I never thought I would do._

_Don't leave me hanging. _He typed but a reply interrupted him. Yes there was a delay but considering how long he had to wait to talk to Hackett and the fleet someone had definitely reworked it for Shepard.

_Need Allers. Got something she would love._

Within a few hours Diana was doing whatever it is she was doing. EDI was more than gleeful to help spread the signal and encrypt data so it could not be tracked to them. Apparently the reporter was putting together an exclusive that there was a schism within Cerberus since the attack on the Citadel. She had gotten vids from Liara from Eden Prime of them attacking civilians and some from a source in the systems where the Phoenix units were operating with the Alliance fighting back Reapers.

Kaidan had arranged a meeting with the instructors that afternoon. Most of them had been so busy in the past few days he had not seen all of them together in a room since he took command. Javik was his usual ball of sunshine but reported that the primatives were showing progress however slowly (high praise) Liara nodded and Kaidan could see the doctor was exhausted. She had already given over her instruction to Falare and Plava but was working with a few students in addition to her Shadow work. He was not the only one pushing themselves to the limit. She was still recovering from Thessia and he made a mental note to check up on her later.

Samara and Plava were looking over some pads and nodding in agreement. Apparently Liara had tracked down some sencondary weapons and the Justicar had suggested they start training with those in addition to the biotics. Plava had agreed and made some scheduling adjustments. She also recommended Vega and the two Marines Campbell and Westmoreland. It was good to see the two working so well together and agreed with their assessments.

He dismissed them all but Plava hung around. Leaning against the railing with her arms crossed he knew she was evaluating him. She had taken up extra duties with a gusto he had not expected, managing to keep track of details and rosters that Kaidan had not bothered with. Between her and Cortez they probably had every weapon and person tagged and tracked across the whole facility.

Samara had been right to recommend her but that did not stop Kaidan from feeling an odd apprehension about the Commando. Aside from his students he had had limited interaction with the Asari who had made their way to the monastery and the fact that she seemed so at ease with everyone in her cool way just rubbed Kaidan the wrong way.

"I know that look. You have something on your mind don't you?"

"Nothing. You did good work; you and Samara make a good team." Kaidan looks up briefly before going back to the reports she had just gone over. She shrugs unimpressed but a small smile plays on her lips.

"Not what I meant. You were up early this morning. Something happened at home didn't it?" He hated when Asari did that. The images from his dream before Shepard had gotten in touch with him came back. His migraine had not entirely gone away only receding a bit but he could feel the heat in his amp tugging painfully. He must have flinched because he felt Plava put her hand on his arm.

"I'm fine. "He tries to wave her off, closing his eyes and rubbing his forehead. God he was tired. He feels cool hands rubbing the sides of his neck and he stiffens up.

"Calm down. I am not trying to seduce you on the bridge of your ship." She chuckles, a low musical tone. "Exhaustion and caffeine can wreak havoc on an amp. Trust someone who knows."

"That does feel better. " He admits somewhat guiltily. He steps away, bracing himself against the railing and she waves a hand over the displays so they dim and the datapads go to standby.

"But there is more to it than that. This place is buzzing ."

He looks over to her and she sighs rolling her eyes.

"If you think I am still reporting back to Aria you clearly haven't been paying attention. _Major._ Besides any communications would be picked up by your AI or Shar and neither would benefit me any."

He felt guilty because the Asari had been too busy to do much conspiring. Given the length of time it had taken Shepard to get in contact with him any intel she had wanted to send T'loak would be useless by the time the Pirate Queen had gotten it.

"Yeah, you're right. Last night I had this really weird dream about crawling in these dark tunnels and metallic rooms and then Shepard managed to get in touch with me. Whatever your former boss has planned, I think it will be happening soon."

She smiled and nods. "See, you said it was that so hard? My _former _boss. "Her expression changes to one of confusion. "Wait did you say tunnels? Like an airshaft?"

"I guess why? I have been getting some really weird dreams since well Thessia." He admitted. He didn't know why he was confiding in this woman but it didn't seem to faze her in the slightest.

"EDI pull up this map on the galaxy map please." Her head was tilted and she was punching in commands to her omni. An orange rendition of an elongated map jumps up and images are highlighted and enlarged. Vid images of rooms matching his dream come into view and she glances at him before proceeding.

"This was it wasn't it?" He nods and she highlights a route.

"What is that? Part of Omega I take it."

"That is the heart of Omega. The reactor and Aria's private tunnels to it."


	65. Chapter 65

Kaidan received a message on his omni as he was finishing up some reports to Hackett that he and Garrus had worked on earlier, the news was not good but it was better than bad news he supposed. It had been a week and a half and he had not heard much from Shepard and that concerned him more than he had been willing to admit. Instead he had done what she always did and burry himself in his work.

_"Major, Adlers has asked me to inform you that whatever she and Shepard had been working on will launch tonight. Liara has also asked that you view it with us. She has offered to play chaperone. I hope you will also tell me what that human term means since neither she nor Traynor will tell me. I think I have become the butt of a joke. –Plava_

Kaidan dashed off a reply, chuckling. He and Plava had developed a more open working relationship since she had given him information about the underbelly of Omega. Apparently she was also working well with Samara and Falare and Kaidan had been more than willing to scale back his own involvement . By their own estimates they first round of soldiers (not Commandos all Asari had insisted) would be ready for deployment within a few days.

The younger Asari Shar had also taken to spending all her free time with either Liara or Tali so was constantly somewhere on the Normandy when she wasn't being ground into the snow by Plava. It was interesting to see Tali treat the Asari as a little sister considering that is what so many of the crew had once considered the Quarrian. This war really was making them all old.

He actually had a meeting with the two in the afternoon. He liked that the Commando kept meticulous records even sending him a message request when she was going to see him in a few hours anyway. He wondered if that was for his or her own benefit.

Standing up and feeling his shoulders pop Kaidan can hear Karin scolding him for abusing himself . Or neglecting himself more truthfully.

Communications has been a mess. Honestly it was a blessing and a curse. The snow had keep up on and off since they had first arrived and while it helped hid their rapidly growing base camp it wrought havoc on EDI and Liara's correspondence. Tali and Gabby had requested Shar's help and it might have been the one disagreement Kaidan and Plava had had since her promotion.

Heading down to the Mess Kaidan wonders how Shepard is holding up. She had sent him a quick message letting him know she was still alive and on Omega a few nights back. The news that they were getting out of the Terminus was all bad but he knew worrying or worse telling her he was worrying would not help situations any.

Stepping out of the lift Kaidan notices the port observation door open and is surprised to see Samara sitting lotus style on the floor apparently meditating and watching the snow.

"You would think you would be sick of looking at it already." He chuckles as he comes up alongside her.

" Kaidan I have lived almost a thousand years. Many of those were going from colony to colony without taking time to admire the beauty of the worlds we live on. With the Reaper threat I find myself becoming more aware of what we have to lose. That or perhaps it is just my old age." She gives a light smile and motions for him to join her.

"So I had a curiosity and Dr. T'Soni was kind enough to look into it for me. Something I doubt you are aware of."

"Oh? Falare is going to start a Justicar appretence program for all biotics who leave here?"

"No. I know my way of life is dying. As far as either myself or Liara know I may still be the only full fledged Justicar left." She gave him a knowing look.

"I'm not sure I follow. Honestly I don't know that much about Asari culture aside from your order is one of the most respected in the galaxy."

"True enough. The trials of the Justicar are kept secret to prevent duplication in other races. Consider it another show of Asari ethnocentrism. But before one becomes a Justicar you must be a Commando. That I assume you know." He nods and she goes on.

"The training process has a 40% death rate. That is not something many know going into the order. But after you finish your training and before you take your final vows you are sent on a mission to test your knowledge of the code. Many Justicars choose where they wish to go."

"And I assume that leads to more deaths."

"That or what we call Initiates, those who were considered for the order but never took their final vows to the Code."

"Plava." Suddenly it made sense. Something about Plava had irked Shepard but Samara had not shyed away from the Asari. She must have seen something that made her wonder and asked Liara to look into.

Samara nods and takes a sip of tea before going on. "I am sure it is nothing of consequence. The woman has of course not said anything to me about it. But I thought you should know."

"I appreciate it. But tell me what would make someone spend all that time for training and then not become a Justicar?"

Samara gives a sad smile. "There are many things that a Justicar can't do under the Code Major. The Code is detailed but also very rigid that is why we are sent on a mission before taking our vows. One cannot harm an innocent, one cannot accept worldly possessions, one cannot have a family ."

"Where was her mission to? It was Omega wasn't it?" Privatly Kaidan had always wondered why a Commando would stay under Aria T'loak, now he was wondering what she had lost or gained on the station that made Plava think staying in that hellhole was a better alternative then returning to Asari space.

* * *

A/N Sorry for the long delay! I have been crazy busy and the muse has been running me all over the place. I decided I needed to flesh out my OC's a bit before the story goes on. Not sure how the younger one Shar will play out but all feedback is MUCH appreciated! -Raven


	66. Chapter 66

"You have no idea how lucky you are!"

Shar gripped as Tali and Samantha finished going over some intel she had received from Rannoch. The galaxy map had been updated and Tali turned her attention back to the Asari.

The young woman was exhausted. She was still in her training outfit and had wet marks from the snow up to her knees. She had offered to help the communication team try to get more tight beam communications and had shown up as soon as she had been allowed to sneak away from biotics training. Apparently Falare was a much more lenient teacher than any of the others and Shar had been scrapping by with the bare minimal effort.

"What is this now?" Tali had only half been paying attention. In truth she liked the young Asari, in one way she reminded Tali much of herself but on the other hand the girl could talk a geth to death.

" The Quarrians have the Pilgrimage. So you go and find something really important and you are an adult. No more being treated like a kid because you proved your use."

"Yes well in the Fleet things were a little more dire than I image Thessia would have been. Besides don't you have a period where you go out and learn about the universe and study with Matriarchs?" Tali remembered Samara mentioning her own youth had been very different than the now solemn life she lead as a Justicar.

" Kinda? But that doesn't mean you are suddenly seen as worthwhile. Hell I worked under Aria for a decade and she is the only Asari to ever treat me like I was more than a toddler." Her face was stormy and dark making Tali chuckle behind her mask. The girl certainly was acting like a moody teenager. Had she ever been that way? Somehow the daughter of an Admiral doubted it.

"You are talking about Plava again aren't you?" Sam cut in.

"She keeps calling me out in class. She is not even my mentor for Goddess sake! If she wanted an acolyte she has 60 to choose from" She waves a hand in the direction of the biotic camp. "Why does she even care?"

"Sometimes those who care about us the most take the longest to show us. Trust me when I say she is pushing you because she cares about you." Tali could remember feeling the same way about her father.

"You have that meeting with Kaidan soon don't you?" Tali looked at the time on her omni. Suddenly the girls desire to be working on anything in particular made much more sense. She was trying to wheasle her way out of going. No way Tali was getting involved in that one.

"If she wants to make nicey nice with the Major leave me out of it. I plan on going back to Omega if there is anything left once Shepard gets back." She huffed.

"Maybe she is trying to give you a chance at a new life? Omega is not known for its long-term plans. You said before you have never even been off the station before coming here."

"Wait did you hear that?"

The Asari tilted her head looking confused. Tali was about to assume the girl was once again trying to change the subject when she actually DID hear something. Sam was looking at the two as if they were up to something but Shar's fingers were already in motion on her omni . A few seconds of static and more silence and Tali was about to turn their attention back to the tight beam when a male voice came through over the deep space static.

"Repeat this is SSV Mikhalovich. We are locked on the dark side of Eden Prime holding off against Cerberus. Reapers knocked out our comm array. If anyone can hear us please respond."

Shar's eyes went wide and a grin appeared on her face. Samantha was not so hopeful.

"It's a loop. We have to see if we can tell who old it is. Bring this up to Kaidain while I look into it but it could be weeks old by now. I never even heard of the Mikhalovich."

Tali hmms and brings up the Alliance ship . This only further excited the youngest.

"Wait wait it is a carrier?! As in carries fighters and Tridents? That's perfect! "

"That is why the name sounded so familiar!"

Tali looked over the ships history. Or rather lack thereof, apparently the ship had been renamed and recommishioned after the Battle of the Citadel. Tali had been with Kaidan and Shepard when the Rear Admiral had inspected the Normandy. Now they were going to look into saving a ship named after the man who had died protecting the rest of the fleet during the attack.

But the ship had been undergoing repairs on Eden Prime when Cerebrus had arrived. If they were lucky the ship had half a crew. They must have had at least a skeleton crew to even have gotten out of orbit before Cerebrus took control of the whole planet. And that had been weeks ago. Sam was right the odds did not look good at all.

Tali exchanged a look with the Comm officer but she had a feeling Shar was not about to let this go. Eden Prime had managed to hold their own against Cerberus ( in no small part thanks to Shepard and Liaraa why couldn't Omega do the same?

"Sam is right Shar, we can look into it and pass word onto Liara when she is done teaching. Why don't you bring this over to your meeting. " She looks at her readout. "Which is starting in 5minets so you had better hurry.

"No." Plava was looking over some reports as Shar told the Major the good news. Shar was not even entirely sure the Matron was paying attention until she uttered her one syllable decree.

"What do you mean no?! It is not even your decision!" She turned back to Kaidan with hope and defiance in equal measure in her eyes.

"Regardless I know the answer will be no." She turned only slightly to look at Shar over the datapad. "It is the only logical decision."

Kaidan looked over the tiny amount of intel they had gathered. It killed him to think they had been there only a few months ago and had been so close to being able to help these soldiers but now it might be to late. Looking at the Asari only made it harder for him to tell her it was the right call.

_The joy of Command as Shepard would say._

"Unless we get more communication that there is someone still alive out there she is right Shar. The best we can do is pass this on to HQ." Kaidan tried to be diplomatic about it.

"Of course she says do nothing! She always says do nothing but you! I thought you would have wanted to help your fellow Marines. They have been fighting off Cerebrus for weeks now don't you at least owe them the deceny of reaching out?"

"This is not about Eden Prime to you Shar. And what would you have us do? Reach out only to find Cerebrus is using the ship to seek out more Alliance ships to take over? Give away our position while we still have more civilians than soldiers? " Plava was trying hard to keep her voice cool but Kaidan had gotten to know her well enough to know it was an effort. But Shar was not about to give up.

"No wonder you never made Justicar!" She was smiling a cruel grin that Kaidan had never seen before on the young girl. "You need to follow something to become One. You need to believe in something! You'd rather let everyone die than take action. You even let _her _die. Somehow you are still here by the Goddess I'll never know why when so many at least died fighting!"

"Enough!" Plava roared and with a flash of blue Shar was suddenly several centimeters off the floor and held in place by a biotic aura wrapping around Plava's fingers and constricting the younger's windpipe.

"I know that look Shar'laran. You will not do anything to endanger the people here for a foolish desire to prove yourself to a Matron who would have left you. ** .**"

Kaidan was about to intercede and order Plava to release the impetuous youth when he noticed the slick smile was back on her face. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed her fingers reaching toward her omni and was about to say something to Plava when the world exploded in pain and a ringing noise. Stumbling Kaidan grabs the rail to support himself.

Plava grunted and dropped the girl who bolted for the door. Strong hands help right Kaidan and he hears Plava activate her omni as the pounding in his teeth lessens. The same pain as when Aria had "scanned him" in Purgatory.

"Cortez lock down the hanger. Inform Vega that Shar might try something in the armory."

Kaidan was rubbing his amp trying to figure out something to say. As usual the Asari beat him to it.

"I am sorry for that…display. It was a bit too personal for my liking."

"And what the hell was that little ending."

"The reason Aria and I did not want Shar to remain on Omega. The little bitch invented that buzzer that interrupts biotics and we did not wish to see Cerebrus wind up with it."

"Wait you mean it is more than just a scanner?"

"Yes. It disrupts the energy field. It is much more painful if the target is actively using biotics at the time. I assure you." She flexes her hand and Kaidan notices for the first time she is actually shaking.

"Shit! Let's get you to Karin." He felt like an ass complaining about a migraine when the Asari had just had biotic explosion rupture in her arm.

"I am fine. In fact I would like to start searching for Shar." She went to turn and almost fell over. Reflexively Kaidan grabs her by her waist and leans her against him for support. Plava looks embarrassed but nods thanks.

"Perhaps the good doctor should be a quick stop first." She concedes.

* * *

A/N And again with the loonngg delay :( I have to say that somehow 3 chapters worth of my files got erased and after that I lost quit a bit of my desire to go back and rewrite them :*( But I am actually kind of happy with this result. Let me know what you think! -Raven


	67. Chapter 67

"15 stress fractures." Karin announced, obviously impressed.

"Well you never did strike me as a woman to do things half-way." Kaidan said looking over the scan cringing.

Plava sat on the cot looking at the readout with distain. She flexed her hand and Kaidan noticed the wince behind her green eyes that she had tried to hide.

"I also am ordering you to refrain from biotics for at least a few days. Your amp got well rattled by the feedback. That is a nasty bit of damage you took. Are you sure you are not going to tell me how it happened?"

" I told you Doctor I was skiing down the side of the mountain and hit a very large tree." Karin just chuckes and shakes her head.

"My dear, I have drank with Shepard. I have also been a doctor since the first contact war. In other words don't bullshit me."

"It's fine doc. I'll make sure she takes the time off. I know a thing or two about getting an amp rattled around in your skull. "

"I will not be relegated to a secretary! There is too much to do. If we cannot spare the medigel I shall just do without. I lived on Omega for decades I assure you I will survive."

"It's not the wrist I am worried about. It is the biotics. But what do I know obviously you have your own plans." Plava grumbled which made Kaidan chuckle. The death glare made him laugh even more. But now he was curious.

After thanking Karin they head down to the tunnels. It was well past meal time and biotics needed to keep their energy up. Besides they still had a few hours before Adlers would reveal her big project.

"So I have to admit my curiosity has gotten the better of me." He began.

"Oh this will be good." She gives a light smile as she makes them both some coffee.

"How does someone just decide not to become a Justicar. I mean I thought they were the ultimate honor in Asari culture."

Plava sighs and sits down with the two mugs between them.

"Of everything THAT is what you are most curious about?"

"Well Samara said she could be the last one. After all this is over maybe there could be two again."

Plava sighs looking into the cup without looking up.

" You are 1. Assuming I still want to live the life of a Justicar. 2. Assuming that I will survive this war. At present neither of those look very promising." She gives a smile that does not reach her eyes.

"So why didn't you? All that training. Everything you had to give up. Why did you just walk away?"

"Maybe I never planned on becoming one. Maybe I only wished to see if I could and simply walked away once I had."

"Bullcrap. I don't see you walking away from anything. Least of all making the universe more fair."

"Fair in whose eyes? Thessia? Illyum ? Planets who acted so superior but at heart were just as morally devoid as the outter systems. Did you ever wonder why Justicar's remain in motion, going from one mission to another without pause? It is because the powers that be feared what the Justicar's would uncover at home and what they would be compelled to do about it."

She looks away and wipes the emotion from her face. Kaidan reaches out and brushes her knuckles with his own. She was no Shepard but that didn't mean he hadn't come to respect this woman.

"Did you know you get this soulful look when you think about her?" She chuckles before taking a sip of coffee. He blinks suprised.

""What? I don't know what you are talking about?" He rubs his neck.

"How did the dear doctor say it. Don't bullshit me. I have been reading people's faces since before your species achieved flight."

"When you say it like that you really are a cradle robber."

She looked confused at the term and that made Kaidan laugh all the harder.

" When I was a child I had two elder sisters. When they left…well they never returned. By the time I was old enough my mothers were too old to want more daughters so they told me about my sisters, as a warning as grieving I don't know.

They had gotten involved in mercenary bands, Drug cartels, slave trading you name it. My father had fought in the Krogan wars went on and on about needing justice for my sisters. I was young, I could barely remember them but I wanted to avenge them. I dreamt of the day I would be old enough to sneak aboard a ship and hunt down the killers who had butchered my sisters.

"So I did. I tracked down what was left of the groups and ended them. But it did not feel like Justice, it felt like murder. Eventually I made my way back to Thessia and finished my training. By that point my biotics were fully developed and I had just to take my Oaths and finish my first mission. The drug Red Sand had just been introduced to humanity and Omega was making a killing with it. Literally. So I followed the trail there and found one of the Suns with it. A young arrogant Asari. At first she tried to fight but when I disarmed her she knew I would win so she begged. "Please I have a daughter. She will starve here I was just trying to find a way out of this place for us."

"Shar" Kaidan could see the troubled expression in the Asari's face as she nodded.

"By the code I should have killed the woman. The damn idiot brought her daughter to the warehouse with her. She was sniffling and looking at her mother. She couldn't have been older than I was when my sisters died. So if I was to kill this woman here as the Code demanded what would stop the girl when she was old enough from coming after me or my family all over again? The girl was innocent as far as I knew so I woudn't harm her. But there is no grey in the Code. No choice just submission to trust in an edict greater than ourselves." She paused and met Kaidan's eyes before continuing. "Isn't that right Samara?"

"We all have the choice to do what is right and just. We all follow the same path either in name or in spirt my friend." Samara steps out of the shadows and joins them.

"Regardless. It seems the cycle will continue regardless. I failed to save her mother and the daughter will try to find a way to pay me back for it."

"Well that is a bit morose even for you Plav. You said it yourself she is still a kid she will come around. There is a war going on after all."

"Yes but not before it may be to late. As you pointed out there is a war going on after all. But don't worry she will come out soon enough."

"Oh and why do you think that?"

"Because she already knows I can't use my biotics. I am sure she took records from the doctor since you were so insistent I go. I will be the bait." She smiles grimly.


	68. Chapter 68

"Come on we have a date to keep." Kaidan informed the Asari who managed to blush slightly as they headed down to the CIC.

"So this promotional vid is from Shepard correct? Do you know if there will be any ...recent video." Plava asked carefully. Again Kadian felt like a jerk totally forgetting that Omega had been the woman's home for who knows how long, maybe she wouldn't want to see what had become of it after the initial slaughter and occupation that she had never spoken of.

"Probably. If you don't feel up to it you can always take a miss. I will understand."

"That is unnecessary. I was on Omega during the plague and the initial attacks I doubt there will be anything I have not seen. Besides I could not miss our "date"" She gave a sly smile as they entered the room filled with most of the crew of the Normandy. EDI and Joker were sitting off to the side and the two joined them.

Diana was practically buzzing. Kaidan had not seen the reporter since Shepard had gotten in touch with them a few nights ago. Since communications had been so spotty he assumed the reporter must have been tearing her hair out trying to piece this thing together. Some sort of inside look at Cerebrus.

_The past two weeks there has been reports of a schism within the ranks of Cerberus. What was once a haven for disenfranched Alliance soliders has become a much more radical and deadly group since its attacks on the Citadel. Many have begun to defect in droves from the once popular human first group in the wake of the Reapers attacks. _

The screen cuts to a laboratory and Kaidan's blood runs cold. _It was the archives on Mars. _He realized. Shepard must have given Diana access to her helmet vid and even knowing what was coming he felt chilled._ His own glove removing the downed soldier's helmet to reveal the husk-like markings. _The Asari in the room look shocked. Apparently the methods Cerberus had gone to was not well known. Thankfully the argument that followed was not part of the vid but Kaidan can still remember the look of hurt and anger that had flashed in Shepard's face when he compared her to that thing.

He had been so angry at the time, so confused. God he had been an ass. He had seen her almost crumble when Anderson had ordered her off Earth. He had seen her push down her rage at Vega barely in the armory and he had thanked her by giving her shit. As they said hindsight was 20/20 and that was eactly where his point of view had been at the time.

"You are doing it again." Plava whispers. Her eyes still glued to the screen. Nothing in the vid had mentioned Shepard directly but the Asari much have noticed a change in Kaidan. No word from her for several days and it was enough to make Kaidan more than a little anxious.

_"You of all people should know what I'm about Kaidan. Please trust me." _That is what she had asked. All she had asked at the time and it had been the end of it until he had woken in a hospital on the Citadel and Dr. Mitchell bringing him up to speed.

He snaps out of his memory when he noticed Plava stiffen out of the corner of his eye. The footage on the screen is new to him but judging by her reaction he guesses it is Omega. That place was really even worse than he had imagined. How much of it was a result of the occupation and unrest against Cerebrus and how much of it was Aria's own doing he had no way of knowing.

Plava touches his arm lightly and he follows her gaze to the back of the room where he sees a doe-eyed Shar staring transfixed at the screen. Even at this distance he could tell the young Asari was shocked by what she had seen. Shaking her head in disbelief and turning to go Kaidan whispers to Plava.

"Should I have someone go after her?"

"No. She will go back to a hidden hole somewhere and determine how much of the vid is authentic. Then she will mourn her lost cause. And maybe in time she will come to see in a small way I was right." Her voice soft and sad.

The vid played on more images of Cerberus attacking civilians human and alien alike on the station. But now there were others defending groups of people against their brethren. One particularly violent individual lashes out with a biotic attack sending several troopers over an edge with a high pitched laugh. Another phantom grabs the first by the shoulder and shakes her head no. Something about this exchange grabs Kaidan's attention and he noticed Plava mouthing a name to him. She must have seen something or someone in vid that she knew.

"Aria." Was the name she was silently saying to him. Kaidan's eyes were back on the rebel Cerberus when he saw the smaller one pull out a sniper rifle and take a clean kill shot into the crowd below. That confirmed his suspicions. He knew how the Phantom moved, how it took the lead, giving silent commands ordering the others to minimalize causalities while still using strike and go guerrilla tactics.

_Shepard you crazy bitch._

Allers voice cuts in again over the vid telling about defectors from the group making their way back to earth and calling themselves phoenix. Images of Earth flash on the screen and Kaidan see the Asari in the room look shocked. As recent and painful as the fall of Thessia was, Earth was much worse. Kaidan noticed Vega clenching his fists over the images and wondered if the Lt was thinking back to his argument with Shepard too.

The images of Omega return and now the so called "Rebel group" was standing over what Kaidan could only assume was the reactor core of Omega. The camera panned back and the viewer can see Asari and Salarian strapping on fallen Cerebrus armor. The small group overlooking the reactor pull off their helmets one by one and sure enough the one shown throwing men around like rag dolls was the Pirate Queen herself.

"We got them on the run. Let's beat these bastards back into the black hole they crawled out of." The last phantom clipped her rifle on, looking into the abyss. With cinematic slowness she pulls her helmet off and flips her hair (something Kaidan was sure was added in for effect) Shepard looks back at the camera, violet eyes blazing before swinging over onto the ladder and the others follow.

The screen fades and for a few moments there is a stunned silence. Many of the Asari present had never been to Omega, surely had no connection to the pit but knew the necessity of taking Cereburs out of the war. Some might even have heard about the organizations impact on their home world's downfall. He hated to do it but Kaidan had to admit Aller's had done the Alliance and moral a major favor by releasing this.

As if all reaching the same conclusion all at once the room began to come alive. The Normandy crew and Asari all speaking at once. Shar had apparently voted not to return. A female voice clearing her throat drew his attention to the woman of the hour who had made her way to the various soldiers to gage their reactions. Thankfully the stupid hover cam was not at her side as she took down notes with various people.

"You know Major when this war is all wrapped up the Commander might have a future in movies."

"Oh sure but you tell her that. Selling war bonds and shaking hands. Maybe we can all take up tap dancing too." Kaidan agreed good-naturedly and gets an equally confused look from both Allers and Plava.

"Well in any case we have tons of intel coming in from all over now. I thought you would want to know and not listen to me gush over Shepard's good timing and flair for the dramatic which I'm sure you know all about."

" How old is the last video Miss Allers?" Plava cuts in.

"The last scene Shepard sent to me two days ago. We have almost everything else wrapped up."

Kaidan and Plava exchanged looks and the Asari excused herself to go talk to some of the others, pausing to talk to Falare and Samara before getting lost in the clusters of Commandos.

"…..Major…? Major Alenko? " Diana must have asked him a question as he zoned out watching the Commandos and crew slowly exit into the mountain tunnels. He looks at her surprised because he honestly had no idea what she had asked him or how long she had been waiting for an answer. That buzzer really must have had more of an impact on him than he had thought.

"I'm sorry Allers what was that?"

"I said Admiral Hackett will have the promo replaying for the next several days and we will gage the responses. Also Shepard asked me to give some of the edited footage from Earth to you." She hands him a vid card before bidding him goodnight and returning to the other groups.

"Great Shepard what are you up to now?" He mumbled to himself before pocketing the small drive. No sooner than he had done so than Garrus and Tali were besides him. The turrian looked at his friend and gestured for Tali to start. She was nervous, the telltale wringing of her hands making Kaidan smile.

"Come on Tal. Whatever it is say it we can't risk you putting a hole in your suit."

"Kaidan it's just that you know Garrus lived in Omega after the SR-1 and he met up with Shepard there. So while we were watching he knew some of the places shown and I ran some schematics that we got from Shar and we still have some Quarrians out there that never came home after their pilgrimage.

"Tali its okay just take a breath." Garrus put a protective arm around her waist. The Quarrian took a deep breath and continued.

"It's just that we got reports of the reactor overloading two days ago. The whole asteroid went dark and all we managed to get out was the infighting before we lost communications again."

Kaidan nods, understanding his friends concern. It was not like communications would come back all at once and the lack of current information had been wearing on him for days. Each one had become an ambassador of their races in the war and they could not help but worry both for the mission as well as for Shepard.

"I heard from Shepard a few nights ago." He tells the two in a low voice. " Allers said the vids were two days old. If I hear anything else tonight I'll let you know as soon as I get it alright?"

"Thanks Kaidan. I know this has to be hard on you too." Tali gives his arm an affectionate rub before the two leave.

Back in the loft Kaidan's eyes go to the soft glow of the fish tank. Settling down at the desk he puts in the drive Allers had handed him and begins rummanaging through the images. Most of it was hard to believe. Vids from helmet cams or the few geostationary satellites Earth had managed to keep aloft. Images of soldiers and milita all fighting back for their planet.

The images had begun to blur together when the familiar thrum of a biotic detonation caught his attention. He knew there were units specialized in biotic attacks and several groups of Cerebrus renegads as the promo Allers had just shown were indicative of that. But a few kids too young to be hardened soldiers caught his eye and he froze.

His students. The ones who he had not yet been able to tack down were fighting in Chicago. Allers didn't even know but Alenko was a Specter and now had acess to Alliance records and knew where to look. He had never mentioned it to the reporter and he knew Shepard wouldn't have either, her distaste for the brunette well known but she had traded a favor for a favor and now Kaidan knew that his students were still alive, still fighting.

And deep down he knew Shepard was too.

* * *

A/N Annddd I'm back. Time to get this story rolling again! As always all feedback is loved-Raven


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